


Pieces

by VampireHydeFTW



Category: LUNA SEA, Miyavi (Musician), Sugizo (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-18
Updated: 2017-06-09
Packaged: 2018-11-02 06:48:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 51,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10939191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VampireHydeFTW/pseuds/VampireHydeFTW
Summary: What do you do when your life falls apart around you and there is nothing left but broken pieces of what was? How do you rebuild, when the pieces left behind no longer create the same picture as before? Will the pieces that remain ever become anything of significance? You have to hope that the pieces can become a new whole, because otherwise there would be no reason to go on, but who said you had to reassemble your life alone?





	1. Chapter 1

It was strange how easily a smile could become a scowl, a twinkle of the eye, an icy glare. How a beautiful face, full of kindness and summer warmth, morphed into the harsh beauty of winter. It was bad enough to see anyone change like this, even worse to know you were the one who had made them this way. That you were the one who turned their love bitter.

He'd had it all, a beautiful wife, a well paid job, a modest home full of nice things and more friends than a man really needed. Yet he had thrown it all away. His poison? How about all of them? Surely there was not one substance that could ruin a man's life, that he hadn't tried. Usually he hid the evidence beneath long sleeves but today he let his scars show. It was important that she didn't think he was hiding something, important that she saw just how well the scars were healing and how some had already faded away. Even the worst ones, that had once been a row of angry red blisters , were now just a red blemish on his skin.

He didn't want to hide his progress at all. Still it was attracting more attention than his handsome face, and that made even Sugizo feel uncomfortable. OK, so he was still a narcissist. A man was allowed to keep one flaw, surely?

“You could have hidden the scars.” his friend and sponsor advised, seeing how uncomfortable Sugizo was with this kind of negative attention.

“No, I have to show them,” Sugizo tried to explain to Sakura, “She has to see. She has to know that everything is now in the open, that I've changed.”

“I know and I really hope you can convince her, not just for you but for Luna too.” Sakura replied, letting his friend overtake him and weave his way through the busy café to where a harsh looking woman and her equally weary friend were waiting to let Sugizo see his daughter for the first time. The girl looked around five and had the same dark hair and intelligent dark eyes as her father. There was no mistaking she was Sugizo's daughter and as her father approached her face lit up in a smile that Sakura could imagine matched her mother's exactly. There was nothing shy about Luna, as she confidentially looked Sugizo in the eye.

“Are you my Papa?” she knew the answer, that was obvious but she wanted confirmation none the less.

“Yes. I'm so sorry I couldn't be here for you.” Sugizo apologised to the child looking uncomfortable. How did you explain to such a young girl that the reason you had been absent for the first five years of her life was because you had absolutely no self control?

“It's OK, I know you were battling demons. Are they dead now?” Luna asked, not aware of the startled look that crossed her mothers face. What exactly had Luna been told? Clearly not this and yet it must have come from somewhere. Perhaps she'd overheard her mother talking to a friend or watched just a little bit too much anime.

“I hope so,” Sugizo replied, though he wasn't speaking to his daughter now, his gaze was entirely on his former partner. “Sometimes they try to come back but I stomp them down, Sakura helps.”

“You hunt demons too?” Luna demanded sounding surprised at this revelation.

“Luna come here.” her mother demanded and reluctantly Luna did as she was told, watching the two men take seats at the other end of the table with nothing but admiration for the brave demon slaying heroes. If only that was the truth, she'd realise one day, when she was older, but perhaps then she'd be old enough to understand. Maybe.

“I've bought you a present.” Sugizo informed his daughter taking a gift wrapped package out of a carrier bag and placing it on the table rightfully nervous as his ex was glaring daggers at him. Her look was clear 'don't even think about trying to buy your daughters love'.

“Ponies!” Luna exclaimed as she discovered the my little pony colouring book and box of crayons. “I'm going to colour them all pink because pink is the best colour.”

“It is.” Sugizo agreed, as his daughter began colouring the first pony a bright pink.

“You think a colouring book makes up for all the missed birthdays? The forgotten Christmases? Five years of child care?” Luna's mother asked, her voice cold.

“Nothing can make up for that, except I can pay back the child care, in instalments.” Sugizo responded placing a cheque on the table hoping it'd be enough to buy him some time. It was every yen he could afford to give up but even that didn't really dent the debt he owed.

“Where did this come from?” she asked, sounding surprised and a little less hostile.

“I managed to set up as an interior designer, like I always talked about,” Sugizo admitted. “Turns out nobody wanting to hire you, is a strong motivator to set up your own business. It's not that big, just myself and my assistant Koyomi, but it's a bringing in some money.”

“Well it's about time.” she replied sounding pleasantly surprised that Sugizo had finally made an effort to follow his dreams from long ago. Something he had never done while having a stable job.

“Papa, my dream is for a pink pony,” Luna informed him. “Can you buy me one?”

“You really like ponies then?” Sugizo asked.

“Yes! They're my all time favourite animals.” she announced proudly.

“Last week it was penguins, the week before frog,s you really lucked out getting her that book.” Luna's mother informed Sugizo, still terribly wary but no longer hostile. Her gaze kept flickering between her daughter, Sugizo's arms and the cheque in her hand. Perhaps Sugizo had a chance of watching his daughter grow up after all.

The rest of the agreed hour went without problem but was hardly the easiest hour of his life. Every time his former wife called him Sugihara, Sugizo cringed. Nobody called him Sugihara except strangers, it was always Sugizo or Sugi-chan to those who were close. Sometimes even Yasu from his given name Yasuhiro but that name was only ever used by girlfriends and even then usually in private.

Sugizo had done his very best to appear grown up and mature, sober and with his life together but he had messed up so badly so many times. Gotten over one addiction, only to fall into another, so many times he wondered if anything was enough to prove he was going to stay clean this time.

“Sugihara, I know how much you want to see Luna but to be honest I don't care about how you feel any more. Only Luna's feelings here matter. How can I trust you won't let her down?”

“By giving me a chance.” Sugizo begged.

“Yet another chance,” she sighed glancing at her daughter conflicted. “If you mess this up, you'll break her heart like you broke mine so many times.”

“I won't hurt her. I promise.” Sugizo replied startled to find his daughter hugging his leg not wanting him to go. Perhaps it was this that simple action that made her mother take the chance, perhaps the result would have been the same either way. Sugizo was touched by his daughter's loyalty none the less. The girl hardly knew him and had every right to hate him but here she was silently begging her mother not take her Father away.

“Your Mother can have visiting rights, if you happen to be there then I won't kick up a fuss.” came the final answer. Far from what Sugizo wanted but perhaps already more than he deserved.

 

“See I told you not to worry,” Sakura announced as happy as Sugizo should have been right now. “Everything is going fine, you can rebuild her trust and get to know your daughter and... why aren't you dancing in the rain in your underwear?” Typical Sakura to say something so crazy but Sugizo couldn't even raise a smile at his friends humour. Despite that being the reason he chose the other to be his sponsor in the first place and probably the reason Sakura had succeed where others had failed.

“My Mother is a hundred percent on her side, not mine. It's only a marginal improvement of today.” Sugizo admitted realising that after a year with Sakura he was going to have to finally reveal the one secret even drugs and alcohol hadn't gotten out of him.

“I thought you'd sorted out your addiction with your parents?” Sakura comment accusingly. “Man, it's one of the steps!”

“I did!” Sugizo exclaimed. “I went and apologised, my Dad forgave me and we went fishing. My Mother told me she hadn't expected anything better from my kind and everything went back to how it was before.”

“That's not fixed, that's seriously messed up. What the hell does she mean by your kind?” Sakura demanded.

“Bisexual,” Sugizo snapped irritated. “She despises me for not being straight, though I've never had a boyfriend, I've only dated women, kept the family image clean, ironic as I couldn't be clean myself.”

“And you didn't once think this was important to let out, while recovering from your addiction?” Sakura demanded.

“It's hardly related,” Sugizo replied frowning as he realised Sakura wasn't looking at him with disgust or shouting at him for breaking his trust. “It would have just pushed you away and I needed you. Not in a gay way, of course. Just to help me through this addiction.”

“Hardly related? You've been filled with all this self hate and lived your life ignoring part of who you are and you don't think it's even slightly related to your need to let go of reality? I told you on day one nothing you said would shock me, why the hell couldn't you have just trusted me!” Sakura exclaimed. “Seriously that's messed up!”

“I'm a self confessed narcissist,” Sugizo reminded Sakura. “I don't hate myself.”

“Do you hate the part of you that's attracted to men?” Sakura asked, letting the silence hang for a moment before adding. “That beautiful girl of yours is desperate to have her Papa in her life, so perhaps you should contact your Mother?”

“Perhaps.” Sugizo agreed walking past the entrance to the car park where he had left his car and making no effort to reach for his phone. He couldn't handle any more reality, he needed to escape and there was only one place left where he felt he could do that. One place in all the world where letting go of reality didn't hurt everyone around him, his very own personal heaven.

Sakura wasn't impressed as he watched Sugizo enter the cinema but he understood the others needs better than most. It had been his suggestion in the beginning to escape into fantasy and how he still battled his own addictive personality. He may have been sober for two years now but even he didn't feel free of his addiction. Without a word he followed and handed Sugizo some money to buy his ticket, wandering to the shop to buy some popcorn not caring what he watched as he was only here to make sure Sugizo didn't do something stupid.

 

The film hadn't been that great but Sugizo felt more at peace now, having forgotten his problems for the last two hours. He was in a calmer more complacent mood as he exited into the cinema lobby, beside him Sakura stopped to retie his shoe lace and it was then that he saw the man who was the perfect vision of his dreams and desires.

The young man was beautiful, young and tall and with the look of someone who had seen too much, the eyes of a man who had suffered. Sugizo recognised the look, he saw it in the mirror often enough. It was the look that caught his gaze but more than that it was the two young girls holding the man's hands. He was a Father too but unlike Sugizo he hadn't wasted his life with drugs and alcohol. Jealousy threatened to consume him, he wanted that life so badly. He wanted to take his daughter to the cinema on a Sunday afternoon, wanted to push Luna on the swings, teach her how to ride a bike and bake cookies together even if they turned out burnt and inedible. He wanted, no needed, to have a life that involved his daughter.

“You only have to call your Mother and that could be yours.” Sakura commented, realising what Sugizo was staring at and guessing what he was thinking.

“Just one little phone call.” Sugizo agreed though they both knew it was a lot more than that.

 


	2. Chapter 2

“Come along girls, let's go get pizza.” Miyavi encouraged his two daughters, wanting to get out of the cinema and away from the man staring at his children quickly. He didn't like that wishful look in the other's eyes. It was probably nothing, it usually was, but Miyavi was more than a little protective of his daughters. Ever since the incident, they were all that were keeping him from giving up entirely. No he wouldn't think about that, not here, not now, he had to stay strong for his girls, at least until he could put them to bed and let darkness hide his despair.

“Yay! Pizza!” Jewelie exclaimed, tugging on her father's hand to get him to hurry up. Well his words had the desired effect of getting his children to hurry and Miyavi was soon far from the cinema and the creepy man.

He should have forgotten him, passed him of as yet another indicator of his paranoia but he couldn't get the image of the man, with so much hope and pain in his eyes, out of his mind. He was sure his initial reaction had been wrong, now he had time to calm the panic that always gripped him when anyone paid more than idle curiosity toward his children. The other wasn't trying to kidnap his girls, or imagining unthinkable acts, he had been simply envious. The stranger was jealous of him, that's what Miyavi realised but the concept was completely ludicrous. How could anyone want this life, that was so incredibly messed up?

_“You did the right thing, nobody blames you.”_

_“You saved her at least. How could you have known?”_

_“Blames you.. Blame.... You're the one who could have saved her.”_

Great the voices were back, some memories, some his own guilt. As he had taught himself, he took the voices and imagined locking the speakers away in a sound proof room, so they couldn't hurt him any more. He couldn't change the past, he would have made the same choice no matter how many times he relived the event, but god he wished he could have saved them both.

“Daddy, you need to read the menu to us.” Lovelie complained pushing the menu into Miyavi's hands.

“I thought you were learning Hiragana at school?” he questioned.

“I can't read it.” Lovelie said pouting and feeling too down today to try and teach her Miyavi began to read out the various toppings she could choose to decorate her pizza. That was what he liked most about this restaurant, they let the children place the toppings on their pizza themselves and it gave them all something creative to keep busy. Being busy was the key, keep moving, keep focused, keep going, that was his new motto for life and the reason he wished he could find his old guitar. It'd been years since he played but his fingers still knew how, music ran through his mind the same way most people thought in words or pictures. He wished he had never given up playing but his job and children had taken away all his free time. He couldn't resent them for this, it had been his choice to be a father, at least the second time.

 

“Grandma! Grandma!” the two girls called as they ran into the house, desperate to share with their Grandma the events of the day. By this point Miyavi was exhausted and stared longing at the mattress and bedding in the corner, which had become his temporary bed until he got back on his feet. The house was small and with his daughters, mother and younger brother living here, it was cramped and often busy.

“Miyavi, Aoi did you have fun?” asked Miyavi's Mother, who insisted on calling her Grandchildren by their middle names and never their given ones. Having long given up trying to convince his Mother that Lovelie and Jewlie were perfectly acceptable names, Miyavi made no attempt to correct her and sat on the sofa besides his younger brother. Watching whatever sitcom was on the TV with a vacant expression. This was when things were most dangerous, when he was too tired to keep busy but he couldn't sleep. Without meaning to his mind slipped back to the past, to the event which he so longed to forget, but knew he never could.

 

_Miyavi groaned sleepily as the smoke alarm raised him from sleep and was about to curse the failing batteries when he smelt smoke. The house was on fire and quickly he got out of bed praying the children were all right. His wife, Melody, was ahead of him and called out for him to get Lovelie as she pushed open the door to Jewlie's room._

_“Daddy?” Lovelie asked as her father helped her out of bed and encouraged her downstairs. “I'm in my pajama's.”_

_“I know, it's OK.” Miyavi reassured her, glancing nervously up the stairs wondering why Melody wasn't following with their younger daughter. “We need to get out quickly, it's not safe.”_

_“Is Mummy and Jewelie coming?” Lovelie asked._

_“They're probably already outside.” Miyavi reassured her, feeling the heat from the flames now they were downstairs. Frustrated with his daughter's lack of speed he picked her up and ran into the fresh air, placing her safely on the pavement realising his wife and daughter were still inside. Already neighbours were gathering, as it was hard to miss the flaming house and Miyavi called out to a young woman to watch Lovelie before diving back inside. He couldn't lose them, not Lovelie, not Melody. This fire was his fault! He had wished a way out of this marriage so many times but he hadn't meant for his wife to die! He loved her! Just not in the way a husband should._

_“Melody! Jewlie!” Miyavi called bounding up the stairs to find the cause of delay. A burning bookcase had fallen, trapping his wife and daughter on the other side. There was a window but it often jammed and Melody never had been strong enough to open it when it got stuck._

_“Daddy!” Jewlie called tears and soot covering her face. Without thinking of the danger Miyavi grabbed a duvet cover and used it to smother the bookcase allowing himself access to the window. Behind him a wooden beam fell into the doorway trapping their retreat._

_“It won't open!” Melody gasped panicked as the soot in the air began to make her cough._

_“You just need to jiggle it a little.” Miyavi replied trying to sound confident but not sure it was enough. Why the hell had he not got this window fixed? With a shove it came open and he slipped through it, onto the garage roof._

_“Quick!” Melody begged helping Jewlie through the window and into her Father's arms. This was the worst moment. The moment Miyavi had to make his decision between helping his wife and getting Jewlie to safety but it didn't take much thought. He was already helping Jewlie down into a neighbours arms, when behind him the window collapsed trapping his wife inside._

_“Melody!” Miyavi screamed hysterically but the fire was so hot he couldn't get near to save her. He should have helped her! Then they would have all been safe but how was he to know she wouldn't make it? How was he suppose to know time was so short?_

_This was his fault, it was all his fault. The gods were answering his prayers for freedom but he no longer wanted it. He wanted death and the punishments of hell for his selfishness. How could this be happening? How could Melody be dead when just moments before she had been so alive?_

_He took a step towards the flames, planning to let himself burn up but a child's voice from below stopped him in his tracks. He had been selfish before but now he needed to be selfless, he needed to be there for the girl below begging the fireman to save her Daddy. With one last look at the tempting fire Miyavi turned and lowered himself from the roof before falling to the ground. Unable to talk as he sobbed uncontrollably for his lost wife._

 

“The girls will be in school soon,” Miyavi's mother commented that evening as she sat with her two sons in the lounge. She wore the expression she always got when she had a plan she was determined to see through. Miyavi had seen it many times as a child and even more as a teenager and he knew what was coming. “You'll have plenty of time to find a job then.”

“Mother I'm not ready,” Miyavi complained. “I lost my wife, my home...”

“And now you stay under my roof, a grown adult with kids of his own, sulking. You need to get your life back together. You're not a child any more and it's been three months.” Miyavi's Mother scolded. She wasn't trying to be cruel, she loved her son and had happily let him have time to recover but sometimes a Mother had to let her child face their own troubles.

“I'm not strong enough,” Miyavi informed her miserably. “I can't...”

“You can,” his Mother scolded. “And you will. I've seen how you keep it together for your girls. You have far more strength than you realise.”

“I was going to walk into that fire... when she died...” Miyavi admitted for the very first time. 

“But you didn't,” his Mother replied. “You did the right thing, you stuck by your children but now they need more. They need you to set an example. Besides you're the type who loves to be busy, the right job will do you wonders.”

“Whatever, I'll look.” Miyavi muttered but he should have known better as seconds later a newspaper was thrown in his hands with various middle level managerial jobs circled. He didn't want any of them, that had been who he was, not who he was going to be.

“You can start now,” his Mother informed him picking up a second copy of the same paper. “Now where is your Brother? He needs to be working too, use that degree of his.”

“You're on a mission tonight.” Miyavi commented and his Mother smiled kindly.

“Well someone has to get you boys to behave,” she replied. “Really I'm only trying to help you. Do you really want to waste the insurance settlement from your house paying me rent for the rest of your life?”

“I guess not.” Miyavi admitted glancing down at the paper again. He still didn't want any of the jobs his Mother had suggested but perhaps something here would take his fancy? He'd never admit it, not even to himself, but he was sick and tired of feeling guilty. Sick and tired of being alone. His wish hadn't meant to be cruel, to separate from his wife without hurting her feelings. He'd been a good husband, loving and faithful, always putting her first. But that in itself had been the reason part of him had grown to resent her, she was trapping him in a lie. He never would have married her, if she hadn't fallen pregnant with his child. He wondered if Melody every realised this? Perhaps she did because some nights, when she wanted to feel loved he had ignored her and lay silently, thinking of the life he craved. The life he could go for now, if only he could just stop hating himself.

 


	3. Chapter 3

“Hi Mama,” Sugizo greeted his Mother nervously. In the end he hadn't been able to talk to her over the phone and had arranged a meeting in person instead. His Mother could be marginally kinder when talking to him face to face, he supposed it was easier to be cruel to a machine than your actual son. It certainly had nothing to do with having his Father there as a neutral party to stop her going to far.

“Sugi-chan,” His Mother greeted him, the affectionate name being used merely as a force of habit than any display of real emotion. “Just tell me what it is you want this time. If it's money you can go home right now.”

Sugizo couldn't even bring himself to be offended by his Mothers words. It was true he only ever came when he needed something and after paying for his failed rehab it was no wonder she wasn't willing to lend him a single yen. He couldn't blame her, he'd been a terrible son.

“No not money,” Sugizo reassured her. “It's about Luna.”

“The Granddaughter you're behaviour has prevented me from ever seeing?” Sugizo's Mother demanded, angry and upset just hearing the child's name. It was always about her, the way she felt, who cared what Sugizo was feeling. Already Sugizo felt bitter and he just wanted to turn and leave but the memory of Luna's smile froze him in place. He had to do this, he had no other choice, certainly not seeing Luna wasn't an option.

“I went to discuss visitation rights and...” Sugizo began getting interrupted by an angry tirade of how a person would have to be insane or stupid to let him take care of a child. His Mother's words hurt, they always did, as what his Mother said reflected on his darkest fears. He was stronger today than he had ever been before and he let the words wash over him like cold rain. Unpleasant but this feeling wouldn't last. For once he was going to face his Mother instead of running to hide.

“Let the boy speak,” Sugizo's Father finally got in, looking tired and fed up with both of them, as he twisted an unlit cigar between his fingers. Sugizo wasn't the only one with an addiction in the family, though his Father's cigars were harmless in comparison to the rubbish he'd put in his own body. “How can our Sugi ever make amends, if all you do is shout at him?”

“I wouldn't have to shout at him if he just listened, but no he's too stupid to do that.” Sugizo's Mother complained. Again her son ignored the insults, he'd never be the son she wanted and he no longer wished to try.

“I got you visitation rights.” Sugizo finally informed his Mother, who stopped looking angry and took on a look of pleasured surprise.

“You did that? For me?” she asked pleased. Behind her Sugizo's Father was silently begging his son to play along with his wife's mistaken belief. Anything to stop her creating another scene.

“For us,” Sugizo relented, he might as well try and appease his Mother even though he knew it was hopeless “The deal is you can see Luna and if I happen to be there at the same time then it's OK.”

“I see, so that's what she said?” Sugizo's Mother asked with a smile that wasn't aimed so much at her son but at some unknown joke only she was aware of.

 

“Papa! Push me higher!” Luna begged as she swung on the swings, a huge smile on her face. It was a bright sunny day and Sugizo's Mother, or as Sugizo preferred to think of her 'The Dicatoress', had decided that she was taking Luna to the park to feed the ducks and play in the playground. It was only now she was physically exhausted that she had let Sugizo have any alone time with his child. She was sat on a park bench watching them like a Hawk. She certainly took her promise never to leave Sugizo responsible for Luna seriously.

The whole day had been rather awkward from the moment Luna had been dropped off at her Grandma's but Sugizo ignored it all grateful for the time he got to be with his daughter and delighted to realise Luna really didn't seem to like The Dicatoress very much.

“If I push you higher, you might fall off.” Sugizo warned. “And then you might hurt yourself.”

“Grandma is mean when you're hurt, she puts on ouch medicine that makes it worse.” Luna chimed in and Sugizo froze. He knew exactly what Luna meant, as his mother had a thing for an antiseptic solution that hurt like hell when applied to a cut. His quick mind put the pieces together in an instance and it all made sense.

“Luna, how many times have you been to your Grandma's before?” he asked.

“Never.” Luna replied after a long hesitation, she'd been sworn to secrecy, Sugizo could tell that from the way his daughter was acting.

“OK.” Sugizo replied carefully wanting to get the facts but unsure how.

“I don't like Grandma much. She's mean and smells bad,” Luna informed Sugizo. “Papa is much better.”

“Off course I am,” Sugizo agreed delighted by his daughters words, knowing they were his daughter's true feelings. He has already witness Luna not really wanting anything to do with her Grandmother. It was a silent victory over The Dictaoress. “Because I'm your Daddy.”

“Yes,” Luna agreed. “Push me higher!”

“Sure.” Sugizo agreed as he glanced over at his lying Mother. All these years off grieve that she had never met her Granddaughter were a lie. She'd always had access, of this Sugizo was sure, the only difference was now he was allowed to know and be there for his child. He had half a mind to storm over and confront her but he didn't want to cause a scene in front of his child and someone else had caught his eye.

A young man, no older than his late twenties, was walking into the playground with two young girls beside him, each holding one of his hands. His hair was long and black, tied back out of his face in a ponytail. He was beautiful with soft gentle features and unblemished skin. His eyes took in the world with a sadness that he was trying to hide. Sugizo knew this man, he'd seen him before at the cinema just over a week ago. He'd never expected to see him again but he was glad he had because there was just something about that sadness that drew him towards the younger man. He longed to wrap his arms around the other and reassure him all was OK. Instead he diverted his gaze away and made idle talk with Luna about the shapes of the clouds.

“Come on Daddy, I want the swings!” A girls voice encouraged her Father and risking a glance Sugizo saw the two girls dragging their Father in his direction. There were enough swings for them all, so he shouldn't have been worried but he couldn't help it. He realised, surprising himself, that he had already developed a crush on this man. He couldn't help it, he was everything Sugizo had ever longed for, everything he had secretly craved. Handsome and strong, with a gentle nature and the persona of someone who cared more about others than himself. Sugizo did consider he was seeing the personality that he wanted to be there, and so some of his opinions on the man may be based on fantasy and not reality.

“Hey, I'm Sugizo.” Sugizo greeted himself with a smile that showed off his perfectly straight white teeth. Fine this guy was probably straight but he was being friendly, not flirting, though this was the smile he normally wore when picking up women.

“You were at the cinema weren't you?” the man asked, as surprised to see Sugizo again as Sugizo was that he had been remembered.

“Yeah I remember.” Sugizo admitted beyond pleased he had been remembered but suspecting it might not be a good thing.

“You do?” Miyavi asked seeming surprised, as well as suspicious.

“Well it's pretty uncommon to see a man at the cinema alone with his kids,” Sugizo replied finding the truth leaving his mouth without any conscious decision to tell this man anything. “And I can't help but be envious of other fathers. I've never been able to spend time with my daughter until recently.” Damn. Why had he said that? Now the other really would think he was some kind of twisted freak with a ban from seeing young girls. Why was he such an idiot?

“That must be hard. I couldn't cope without seeing my girls. They're what keeps me going.” the stranger commented and Sugizo nodded in agreement. He knew all about the power of a Father's love for his child....

 

 _For once_ _Sugizo was sober and the one thing he hated most was being sober. It made him remember everything and reflect on his broken life and he didn't want that. He wanted escape, he needed heroin, booze or anything that could take him away from this life. Wasn't there some trend involving farmers fertiliser? Well if it got him high it would be OK but Heroin was what he craved._

_Heroin was the drug of the angels sent down to earth to keep his mind in a happy blur and fill him with love and warmth. Heroin loved him as much as he loved his own reflection in the mirror. Where the hell was Keito? It sucked that he was late._

_Finally a blue car pulled up on the crowded street and Sugizo but on a fake smile as he walked over to the window where Keito's friend, a blond who Sugizo had never bothered to ask the name of, sat holding the kind of envelope that usually contained photographs._

_“Hey bro, I picked up those photos for you.” the blond said with a smile._

_“Thanks, I don't suppose you could do me another favour?” Sugizo asked pulling out some money and making up some story about paying a workman at his house._

_“Sure, no problem.” the blond said and as easily as that the drugs were exchanged in pure daylight. An excuse about it being a bad parking spot, which it was, and a quick goodbye and his dealer was gone and Sugizo was set for the next week of bliss._

_It was then that he saw her, his former wife walking down the street with a young girl around three or four years old. It was only being sober that allowed Sugizo to put together the facts and he grew angry as he realised the truth, that child had to be his! How could he have not been told about this? Or maybe he had and he'd been too messed up to listen. Deep shame filled Sugizo and for the first time the drug in his hand didn't seem so tempting or heaven sent. In that moment Sugizo vowed he would become clean, he would become a real father to his child and he would make it through rehab. This time he had a real reason to succeed._

_In that moment Sugizo finally had the means to fight his addiction, it was the moment he could never forget._

 

“Luna-Chan it's time we left.” Sugizo mother called out and her son silently cursed. Just when he was about to really get to know this man, he was being called away. 

“Sorry we have to go.” Sugizo apologised feeling like a kid himself who had no choice but to leave the park because his Mother said so.

“No fair.” Luna said pouting in much the same way Sugizo wanted to. She got off the swings and headed towards her Grandmother, clearly knowing the woman well enough to know you had to do what you were told the second she said it.

“It's OK, maybe I’ll see you around.” The other man said with a smile but it was only much later Sugizo realised he didn't even know the other's name. Sure they had talked but only for a moment, they were still strangers and the chances of them actually meeting again were so slim that he was probably best to forget all about him. Why then, was this young man still on his mind plaguing his thoughts and refusing to let him go. Sugizo recognised these thought processes from his addictions and he wanted to scream. He couldn't afford another addiction, he had to be careful. He couldn't let thoughts of this man control his life. It was only a crush, just a physical attraction to a beautiful man but he wouldn't go there. He was bi and he would chose to love women to keep the peace. That had always been the way, though Sakura wouldn't agree. Sakura would want him to follow these feelings but Sakura was a fool. His addictions didn't come from denying his truth self. That was pure nonsense. He would forget the young man and work on his career and being a good father, just like he had originally planned.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

That had to be the worst job interview Miyavi had ever had the pleasure of being invited to. It was long and challenging and his heart wasn't in it. He really didn't want that job but he needed a good salary to provide for his daughters. His Mother was right, he couldn't live with her, paying rent from the insurance settlement, forever. The money would eventually disappear and he'd be the last person any sensible company would want to hire.

Not like he was particularity a good candidate for any job at the moment. The second he had entered that office block he had remembered the grief and misery he had felt in his old job after his wife died. The sympathetic words and kind gestures that were meant to make him feel better but only made his pain so much more intense. The words fed the guilt, until it was all consuming and he felt his only choice was to get out, through window or door depending on which was easiest.

“Is this post traumatic stress syndrome?” Miyavi wondered to himself as he walked through the unfamiliar neighbourhood towards the Metro station so he could go back to his Mother's home and explain exactly why he felt that his greatest achievement in his old job had been fixing the coffee machine. He had plenty of perfectly valid and impressive achievements but he had forgotten them all in favour of the time he realised the coffee machine was unplugged. He was an idiot. Or perhaps this was just a sign he wasn't ready to work? Deciding he could do with a coffee Miyavi took the turning towards some shops in search of a café. Perhaps the caffeine would help put his thoughts into some semblance of order?

As he passed a shop filled with toys Miyavi stopped to look in the window, absent mindedly thinking about how his children would react to the giant panda toy in the window. They would love it but it wasn't the kind of toy that he should bring back to the crowded house. It was far to big for the small bedroom. Well his children hadn't seen it, so it wasn't like he felt bad about not buying it. He wandered on, realising as he did that perhaps this wasn't the kind of neighbourhood he was going to find a coffee. Sure there were plenty of café's but they were Butler Cafés where the staff, all male, would dress up in suits and serve drinks and cakes to the 'princesses' that came there. Miyavi wasn't interested in Maid cafés and whilst a handsome man in a suit might be more interesting, these were the kind of places aimed at young women, not men. He'd stick out like a sore thumb.

Still he walked further and found himself stopping besides one café, jealousy looking in through the window. OK so maybe, just maybe, he wanted to be sat at one of those tables playfully flirting with a pretty boy in a handsome suit.

Reaching the corner he stopped and glanced up at the sky half expecting his guardian angel to be there smiling as he gave Miyavi the answer to all his problems. There it was, a A4 piece of paper in the window advertising his perfect job.

OK he didn't know what 'Behind the scenes manager' implied and he had no experience in arranging events but the rest of the job description suited him perfectly. Good with people? Before the event he had been popular in his work place and seen as caring and kind. Experience in managing a business? Off course he did. Able to do accounts and personnel? Yeah he could do that, he'd done it before. Flexible hours, a good salary, an easy commute and all in a business so different from what he'd been in before that he knew his memories wouldn't be trigged, like they had been this morning.

Gathering his confidence, he entered the café, glancing around for someone who might be in charge. Before he could find him, a butler was there greeting him to the café as if he was a customer. He almost played along with it but he needed this job, so he ignored the temptation and explained to this pretty brunette why he was here.

“The only job we have is in management.” the brunette explained then a moment later added. “Oh that's what you meant! Wait here, I'll find Maya.”

“Sure,” Miyavi agreed, stepping out of the way of the door and looking around the room. Surprised that whilst some of the men here were too gorgeous for words, others were not so much. Nobody was ugly but it was clear the butler nearest him was hired for his quick wit and another guy with glasses was probably there for girls who preferred the more studious type. Maya, if he was the boss, knew how to carefully select his staff. Miyavi prayed he would be accepted here. Though really he was applying to be these guys boss, not work beside them, the qualities a “Behind the scenes manager” needed would be significantly different to those needed to flirt with women and wait on tables.

“Hey, I'm Maya.” A friendly looking blond introduced himself. The poor guy looked exhausted but still he was happy and friendly and Miyavi felt a stab of jealousy. Life was cruel to make one person so happy, when he was so miserable and really his guardian angel who led him here was a poor excuse for a mentor. The angel probably didn't even exist, if he had a guardian angel his wife wouldn't be dead. It was just coincidence he had found this job. “You're after the management job?”

“Yes,” Miyavi replied forcing a smile that he hoped was friendly and not menacing in any way. “I just saw it in the window. I'm Miyavi”

“Well then, you better come into the office.” Maya replied leading Miyavi through the crowded café, blowing a few kisses at girls who called out his name, until they were in the back and his smile faded slightly. This poor guy was clearly working to the bone to keep this place together. “You may have noticed how busy it is out there.”

“This café is certainly doing well,” Miyavi agreed. “And you're running it alone?”

“For now. Since the last behind the scenes manager had to go.” Maya replied. “Turns out that if you want a successful business and a happy relationship, it's best not to work with your partner. Especially when he doesn't really want to work here.”

“Yeah, I can see that causing problems” Miyavi agreed as his brain registered the 'he' Maya had let slip. So this blond was gay? Part of Miyavi was surprised, though really he shouldn't have been. There was just something that little bit different about Maya that made him so likeable but also placed him outside of the normal boundaries of heterosexuality.

“Maya! The freezer is packing in again!” Called a guy who had just pushed open the office door to find his boss. “Oh you're busy...”

“No it's OK. Just get a towel, I'll be there in a minute.” Maya replied with a sigh. “Sorry it's always like this.” He apologised pulling open a filing cabinet and searching for a good few minutes until he finally found what he was looking for. “Here it is!” he declared placing an application form on the desk. “Can you fill this in while I sort out the ice freezer?”

“Shouldn't be a problem.” Miyavi agreed pulling a pen out from his pocket. This whole office was in chaos but he found a book to lean on, the desk was clearly out of the question as a writing surface, and began to fill in the standard questions about his education and past jobs spending a little more thought on some of the more complicated questions at the back. He certainly wasn't putting “Fixing the coffee machine” as an example of why he felt he was suitable for this role or even what made him a good people person. Though in this chaos, perhaps fixing coffee machines was a highly sort after skill.

The last page should have been easiest, a simple equality form asking about his age and gender among other things.

“What is your sexuality?” Miyavi read and he glared at the paper in front of him for asking such a difficult question. How was he supposed to answer this? He didn't want to circle that last box though he suspected it was the truth. With a frown he placed his pen over 'hetrosexual' but he couldn't tick that box either. That was a lie but as soon as Maya found out he had kids he'd assume he had a fake marriage or was lying to impress him if he ticked that other box, the one on the end.

'Homosexual' not that a menacing word but it carried so much weigh Miyavi couldn't tick it, not until he was sure. The truth was he didn't know what he was, only that he found men beautiful in ways no woman ever was. That might not even mean he was gay, it might just be nothing.

As Maya returned Miyavi hastily ticked 'prefer not to say' and handed the form back to the manager who looked over it quickly before suggesting Miyavi sat down to answer some questions.

“I see you have no event management experience.” Maya commented, sounding tired.

“I know but I'm a fast learner and..” Miyavi began.

“No, you're the first person to apply who I feel actually has enough about him to do the job.” Maya admitted, rather unprofessionally.

“Well I feel that this job would be perfect for me.” Miyavi replied. “This busy environment is what I feel I need.”

“And why is that?” Maya asked and without meaning to Miyavi found himself telling Maya about how he had lost his wife and been unable to continue working in the office due to his depression and how he needed to be there for his daughters. It felt strange to get everything of his chest, but also good. So he continued to talk.

He told Maya all of this knowing that he may be blowing this interview but needing to get it all out. It'd been so long since he had really talked about the event that it was like a damn bursting and Maya was neither sympathetic or cold, he was just listening quietly until it was all out in the open.

 

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to tell you so much.” Miyavi apologised, as he finished his story cursing himself for blowing the second interview of the day.

“No, I'm glad you shared.” Maya explained. “Look I'm interviewing someone else this afternoon but on paper you're clearly more suitable for the job so I'm going to offer it now.”

“Should you do that?” Miyavi asked, realising that perhaps Maya wasn't the most professional of bosses.

“My business, my rules.” Maya replied. “Besides you have the experience and personality I'm looking for. The only thing you're lacking is event management experience but you're smart enough to learn. Are you OK to start on Monday?”

“Yes. My Mother has already volunteered to help look after my daughters while I'm working.” Miyavi replied.

“I'll try and get you the weekends off,” Maya reassured him. “You'll have to work the odd one, when it's chaos but for the most part you'll be sorting out the books and things which might be better when it's quieter.”

“Well thank you. You have no idea how much this job means to me.” Miyavi commented truly grateful that Maya was giving him a chance.

“Don't thank me, you'll be cursing me for throwing you into chaos on Monday,” Maya informed Miyavi with a smile. “I pray you mean it about wanting to be busy because this place can be beyond chaos.”

“I can handle it.” Miyavi reassured Maya, feeling part of his old happy go lucky self waking up. “Chaos is just another name for fun.”

 


	5. Chapter 5

Every so often Sugizo would receive a call out of the blue, half asking and half demanding that he came over to Sakura's house for a pizza night. It hadn't taken long for Sugizo to figure out that this was Sakura's own cry for help. When Sakura wanted to use, he craved distractions and Sugizo was it. Though why Sakura's hardly ever called his own sponsor, who was perfectly alive and well and able to help, was a mystery. Perhaps he just felt Sugizo was a better friend?

More than once Sugizo had debated using this weakness to drag them both back into using but so far these times had only come when he was feeling strong enough to withstand the temptation. There was something about seeing Sakura weak that gave him strength to stay clean. Neither of them wanted to go back into that darkness, to trick the other there would be an unimaginable crime.

The other problem with pizza night, other than Sakura's love for pineapple which Sugizo hated on pizza, was that when Sakura was weak he became more determined to keep Sugizo sober. It was a strange contradiction that balanced out Sugizo's mental need to give in and throw his life away yet again.

“So I've been thinking, about you being bi,” Sakura announced once the pizza had arrived and they had eaten their fill. “And how it's the route of your problems.”

“It's not the route of my problems.” Sugizo replied tiredly, Sakura really wasn't letting this one go.

“I think that you need to find a man and get this desire out of your system. Your life is far too much about self denial.” Sakura scolded Sugizo, who didn't so much listen to the advice but laugh out loud.

“Self denial? I wish. I wouldn't have an addictive personality if that was what controlled me.” Sugizo said, wondering what Sakura had been taking, secretly wanting some his self and then feeling guilty about it. He was supposed to be trying to stay clean.

“Well take your Heroin addiction. You were clean and then you took just enough to get hooked again for awhile. How much off these last six years have you spent in rehab?” Sakura questioned as if he had made his point. Sugizo was slowly becoming convinced that Sakura was mental.

“Maybe half?” Sugizo suggested. “It never lasted long before this last year though.”

“Because you always let yourself get re-addicted, so you could give up on it again.” Sakura replied realising, he was loosing his point he continued. “OK so let's say that I'm wrong here, and you fail because you're weak, though I really believe you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. Tell me, what did you want to study at University?”

“Astrophysics,” Sugizo replied. “But Mother made me take Law.”

“Who was the first girl you asked out on a date?” Sakura continued.

“Suzaki,” Sugizo replied. “But it was really because I knew she liked me and I was trying to resist falling in love with someone else. Yes a guy, before you ask.”

“See evidence I didn't even know about!” Sakura declared triumphantly. “I was going to continue with 'and who was the first girl you seriously dated.'”

“Mei, she was the girl my Mum half forced me to date,” Sugizo replied. “The theme here is my Mother, who we agreed was the reason for my addiction, remember? We can't go back on that now.”

“Sure we can,” Sakura replied. “You've let your whole life be controlled by her, or more yourself. You feel like self denial is the only way to be good but, except for rehab, I really don't think this is the problem. Look just find a man, have your way with him and report back to me if it makes your addiction worse or better.”

“Bend over then.” Sugizo replied with a menacing glint in his eyes, Sakura was really pushing his patience right now.

“Yeah right, I'm not gay,” Sakura responded. “Whatever, do your own thing. I just worry that with only one thing keeping you sober you may just relapse. If anything should happen to Luna...”

“I'd be devastated,” Sugizo admitted. “If it was too bad then yes, I probably would use again. Or worse.”

“Nothing else is keeping you clean. For most addicts giving up is a decision that came from within, for you it's an external factor,” Sakura replied. “So we need to create more in your life. A boyfriend would be great.”

“A girlfriend would be better.” Sugizo corrected him, though he wouldn't admit it the first option sounded good too.

“Fine, or a girlfriend. Just promise me that the next person you like, you'll try and form a relationship with, no matter the gender.” Sakura demanded and Sugizo hesitated as he considered his options. This was a gamble as he might just find a pretty girl in the next few days who swept him off his feet, but in a way that was cheating as they were supposed to be testing if allowing himself to love a man would help him sort his life out for good this time.

And then there was always the option it would be a man and he'd have to let go of his fear of the worlds opinion and go with his instincts. It was a fifty/fifty gamble who he'd fall in love with next, no the odds were undeniably in the favour of him falling for a man as he remembered the pretty guy he'd met at the cinema and park. He didn't even know his name but he wanted him bad.

“I accept.” Sugizo replied finding a weight being lifted off his chest, now no matter what happened on his next date, it was Sakura's fault.

“Good.” Sakura replied with a smile.

“As much as I hate you right now,” Sugizo began, having told Sakura many times he hated his guts. The other was used to such sentiments and worse and didn't react. “I do have to admit that putting more in my life to stay clean for, does seem like a good idea. Which raises the question, where's your girlfriend?”

“In my fantasies,” Sakura replied. “She's a dirty girl.”

“You should date too.” Sugizo suggested.

“My sobriety comes from within,” Sakura retorted before he sighed. “But you know, I really would like a girl. What man doesn't, unless they're like you or something. Then they might want a guy.”

“You just need more confidence. I know you hurt women before but this is different. You're sober now and still alone. That's not right,” Sugizo replied feeling guilty as he said it, as it was clear he had hit a nerve. Maybe this was what was bringing Sakura down tonight? The feeling of overwhelming loneliness and rejection. “If you were gay I'd totally be yours.”

“Liar,” Sakura retorted. “I know you, you like the glamorous type, the kind without self control or self denial. Wild and crazy.”

“The glamorous type,” Sugizo repeated, picturing his crush in his head who was beautiful but in a less conventional way than the standard pretty boys you saw all the time on TV. “Maybe with girls but with men I think I like them a little bit more unique.”

“Unique?” Sakura repeated, having had many talks about the kind of girl Sugizo liked but this was new territory . The truth was, he had no idea what kind of guy was attractive to his friend.

“Yes. Tall with long dark hair and eyes that tell of stolen dreams.” Sugizo descried, before blushing as he realised his description was very specifically aimed towards the guy in the park.

 

Sugizo had left Sakura's house that night, sure he would never see the pretty guy again. How could he find someone when he didn't even know his name? Still, feeling like a stalker, he spent so much of his free time in the park where they had met for the second time, that he felt like he knew the place better than his own home. For almost two weeks he walked the gravel paths in hope that the other would return but he never did.

Sakura was growing impatient with him for not trying to keep the agreement and he had gone on a date with a girl he liked just to get his sponsor of his back. The date was nothing special and it was clear to both of them they should just be friends.

Then Sakura had announced he'd found a woman at long last and Sugizo was happy for him but more than a little jealous. He didn't want to be alone. He wanted more reasons to stay sober, just in case. Maybe Luna would grow up and reject him, or one day move away. Perhaps his love for her wasn't enough. No the last part was totally wrong, the more time he spent with Luna the closer they grew and the more determined he was to stay clean for her. Sugizo had quickly realised Luna was a lot like him in many ways and it was endearing to realise he might finally love someone more than he cared for himself.

 

The phone rang in his pocket and Sugizo answered, pleased to find he had received another client. His business was slowly growing and he was starting to get clients through recommendations. He felt so proud that they had being praising his work and he was smiling in delight as he realised the client on the phone now had been recommended by a friend to employ him.

Interior decorating hadn't always been his dream, at first he wanted to be an astrophysicists but his Mother had destroyed any hope of this and made his study Law. He'd hated that degree and had quit before the first year of university was even complete. He'd ended up working in admin and had worked his way up but the whole thing had made him miserable. That was when he had first started using, an escape from the mundane life of working in an office. He had longed to express his creative side, to be his own boss and he should have given up his job then but he hadn't. He liked the stability of money far more than he had hated such an ordinary life.

“So I need something fresh,” the client was saying and Sugizo silently scolded himself for letting his mind wander. He was supposed to be a professional here. “Something different. Perhaps a little crazy? But mainly easy to change. This might sound insane but I want my café to look different every month but it has to be cheap to keep that up. Really it's up to you. I know it's a big job.”

“No. I'll take it.” Sugizo agreed, delighted at this opportunity. It would fill up a few days to a week of every month with regular stable work and what's more he could express himself so much more than working to someone else's ideas. It was like the job from heaven, little did he know just how much. “Can I take you name again. It was Maya?”

“Yes Maya.” Maya agreed unaware that he had just become the connection between two destined lovers. Perhaps Maya himself was cupid because he was the driving force between more than a few couples, or perhaps it was just fate that wanted Sugizo to finally have a break in life and had given him this unexpected gift, a gift Sugizo hadn't realised he'd just received.

 


	6. Chapter 6

Miyavi had adapted to his job quickly, mainly because his job was to manage the café whilst Maya hung around the front pretending to be the manager and causing mayhem in his wake. Daily employees would come complaining to Miyavi that Maya was doing something insane and daily Miyavi had to leave his work to get Maya under control. It was hard, it was stressful and it was obviously why Aiji, Maya's boyfriend, had quit this role. He loved every minute of it. Chaos was where he seemed to thrive and Maya wasn't entirely clueless to the situation. He had admitted he wasn't very good at actually running a business from the start but he was kind and generous and employees and customers loved him.   
“Oh and Meev.” Maya added at the end of his employee meeting which he had every morning before the shop opened. Meev was the nickname he had given Miyavi within the first hour of working here and now it seemed to be his name among all the staff with no input from Miyavi himself into what he was called. Maya was a train on a collision course, nothing could ever stop his will and only Miyavi was foolish enough to try. “You need to give the decorator a tour of the shop.”  
“What decorator?” Miyavi asked confused but Maya was already opening the doors inviting a giggling group of girls into the café and business had begun. With a sigh Miyavi headed over to the kitchens to discuss with one of the chefs an alternative source of the fruit used for some of the cakes.  
He was just finishing in the kitchens, when Sugizo entered the café. Miyavi's heart fluttered in excitement at just seeing him again. His mind instantly pictured the two of them together holding hands, kissing and some more stuff that only belonged in porn. Surely Sugizo coming into a Butler Café was a sign he liked men?   
Miyavi watched Sugizo talk to Haruto, one of the Butlers who worked in the café, and then Maya who gestured towards the kitchens where Miyavi was standing. With fear, excitement and then disappointment, as his hope Sugizo liked men died a little inside him as it was clear Sugizo wasn't a customer. He was debating what to do now, stay and stare or get on with his work when he realised Sugizo had been sent to talk to him.   
“You work here?” Sugizo asked with a friendly professional smile that sent Miyavi's heart racing at a thousand beats a minute. Clearly Sugizo didn't feel the same way, he was far too calm and laid back to be feeling anything close to what he was feeling. “We never got to properly meet before. So you're Meev?”  
“Miyavi but Meev is fine,” Miyavi corrected, trying to act as calm and professional as Sugizo. “And you're Sugizo, from the park.”  
“Yeah, Sugizo from the park.” Sugizo agreed with a smile that suggested he was laughing at some private joke. “But if we're being informal enough to be using nicknames already, you can call me Sugi.”   
“Well if it's what you like,” Miyavi replied warily, as if this might be some kind of test.   
“It's what my friends call me anyway.” Sugizo explained making Miyavi wonder if he was saying they were friends, how could they be when they didn't know each other? He was probably just being nice which complimented things, when it came to what to call Sugizo.   
“So Sugi,” Miyavi began deciding to go with the name he wanted to call Sugizo, he had permission to call him Sugi so why not use it? “Is there something I can help you with.”  
“I'm the designer, Maya said to report to you?” Sugizo asked, glancing over at the blond in question as if he wasn't entirely convinced Maya had any authority here. It was natural to be sceptical, but Miyavi was already sure he wanted Sugizo to decorate this cafe. A chance to work with, and get to know, this guy who was so incredibly beautiful? Who the hell would turn that down unless Sugizo had a horrible personality. Miyavi hadn't seen a single indicator of this and he was usually good at judging people. He didn't even care that Sugizo was straight, or that he wasn't even sure he himself was gay, he just wanted to be with him in any way. Work colleague, friend, lover anything that didn't keep them apart.   
“Yeah, he said something about that this morning. 'Give the decorator a guided tour' is about all he told me.” Miyavi admitted. “I'm afraid you're going to have to fill me in.”  
“I'm not so much the decorator, as the interior designer,” Sugizo explained. “I do some of the physical work, painting mainly, but I employee someone to help. Maya called me and asked me to do monthly redesigns of this place, change the theme for cheap?”  
“He was serious?” Miyavi muttered.   
“I think so,” Sugizo agreed. “Seeing as he hired me.”  
“Well it's his money.” Miyavi said with a shrug, sure Maya was crazy but that was that he liked most about the guy, insanity was just another form of having fun.

The tour took up most of the morning as Sugizo spent a lot of time in each room mapping out a floor plan, making notes and checking behind furniture to locate plug sockets and the like. Really Miyavi would have been best to leave him to it, he had work to do, but he couldn't bring himself to move away. Not when Sugizo was so easy to talk to, capable of just the right balance of sensible, intelligent observations and jokes.   
Besides, he wasn't entirely glued to Sugizo's side. More often than he liked he'd had to leave to deal with one of the many issues he had on a daily basis. It wasn't easy being a manager at the best of times and this was even harder but Miyavi was perfectly able to adapt to this crazy life style. He needed to be busy so his dark thoughts were kept at bay.  
“OK done,” Sugizo announced, finally satisfied with his notes of the building. He'd already gone back three times to check the main shop, which was the only room he was going to be doing monthly. Miyavi wasn't going to let Maya decorate the whole building more than this once, it just didn't make any form of business sense and as Miyavi pointed out, Maya had only vaguely said 'his café' which didn't include all the back rooms or kitchens. “I should be able to get some sketches to you tomorrow. At least for the café which we agreed was priority, and the office.”   
“That would be good.” Miyavi agreed feeling happy Sugizo was coming back but also sad that he was going already. It was silly but he had kind of wanted to spend all day following the older man around. “If you want some lunch, feel free to ask the chef, on the house.”  
“I could.” Sugizo agreed thoughtfully, not looking that keen on the idea of eating sandwiches and cakes for his lunch.   
“Or there's a nice place a few streets over,” Miyavi suggested, having found the place recently and often going there when he fancied something other than bread. “If you want Japanese.”  
“I'd probably get lost,” Sugizo commented. “I don't suppose you want to eat with me, my treat? It's rather lame eating alone and we could discuss ideas. If you're not busy that is...”  
“No I’ll come.” Miyavi agreed quickly, mentally ignoring the pile of neglected work he had to do. 

The café was busy but not crowded and they settled into a booth ordering drinks before letting the waitress leave them to choose their food. Miyavi had chosen a half pint of beer but despite his lead Sugizo had only ordered water. Perhaps he was just the kind of person who watched what he ate and drank? He hadn't wanted to eat a high calorie lunch back at the butler café.  
When the drinks arrived Sugizo ordered miso soup, which again suggested he was a careful eater but Miyavi noticed Sugizo looking at his beer with something between longing and jealousy.   
“If you wanted a beer you could have just ordered one,” Miyavi commented. “I wouldn't have minded.”  
“Want and having shouldn’t always go together,” Sugizo commented looking frustrated for a minute, like he was fighting an internal conflict before making his confession. “To be honest I'm a recovering alcoholic. It wouldn't be one drink if my will broke.”  
“I'm so sorry I ordered a beer then.” Miyavi apologised overwhelmed by guilt. Though how was he supposed to have known that Sugizo was struggling with such a demon?   
“Oh no. You shouldn't change to suit me,” Sugizo reassured him. “And know I’ve been sober for over a year now. I won't get drunk and mess up this job.”   
“I hadn't even considered that,” Miyavi replied instantly. “To be honest, you seem so together I never thought anything would mess you up.”  
“I have a friend, he says self denial is in my nature. That I let myself get addicted just so I can give something up. I think he's crazy, he makes Maya seem sane even, but anyway my point is I’ve not been together for a long time. I've just got very good at acting that way.”  
Alarm bells should have rang in Miyavi's head right then, loud and clear warning him that their was more to Sugizo than an alcohol addiction but he liked the other so much the bells rang no louder than wind chimes. Easy to ignore though Miyavi still found himself wondering.  
“Sugi, have you had anorexia too?” there was something more to him than an alcohol addiction, a darker secret hidden beneath but Miyavi didn't want to pry too hard. He didn't want to send the other running away.  
“Anorexia?” Sugizo asked sounding confused and then amused as he added. “Why do you think that?”  
“Just, you were so reluctant to eat bread and now only ordered soup...” Miyavi said blushing as he realised perhaps he had jumped to quickly to this conclusion.  
“I'm just careful with what I eat but I’ve never starved myself,” Sugizo replied, noticing Miyavi looking at him sceptically he added “Really I'm far too narcissistic to ruin my body through starvation, or even to think I'm fat. Perhaps that's why I never got anorexia? If Sakura is right, about me adoring self denial, then you'd think I would have suffered from some sort of eating disorder.”  
“So you're in love with yourself?” Miyavi asked. “Or just think you're handsome?”  
“I love myself, it's why I hurt so many around me, while suffering from my addiction.” Sugizo explained. “Nobody was important to me as myself. And then my daughter Luna came along. I never thought it was possible to care about somebody else so much, but it is and it scares me because I could lose her so easily. If just once I gave into temptation...”  
“You won't,” Miyavi reassured Sugizo. “Not if she's so important to you.”  
“Do you think less of me, for admitting I love myself?” Sugizo asked.  
“No,” Miyavi admitted. “Narcissism is a curse though, it blinds you to those around you so you can only see your reflection, but it seems you broke Nemesis' curse. You found someone you can love more.”  
“Nemesis' curse?” Sugizo repeated and Miyavi blushed.  
“It was a story Melody told me once,” Miyavi explained feeling the familiar grief wash over him at the mention of his lost wife but continuing anyway. “In ancient Greece there was a man named Narcissus, who was a skilled and beautiful hunter. Many girls loved him but he treated them terribly, a womaniser and flirt. His behaviour was so bad that the goddess of revenge, Nemesis, noticed him and cast a spell over him, a curse really. Narcissus fell in love with himself and eventually died after spending too long staring at his own reflection in a pond.”   
“Perhaps Nemesis cursed me too,” Sugizo wondered. “Though that just feels like an excuse for my own behaviour. I've heard that story before but I never really thought it applied to me. Dying while staring at my own reflection? There was a time when that could have happened.”  
“Let's blame Nemesis,” Miyavi decided. “It's so much easier than blaming ourselves.”  
“Yes Nemesis,” Sugizo agreed. “Everything is her fault.”  
“Totally. Like when you lose your keys, Nemesis.” Miyavi suggested.  
“Or when you end up caught in a storm without an umbrella.” Sugizo suggested.  
“If someone robs you, or calls you names.” Miyavi continued.  
“Or when you find yourself falling in love with someone who couldn't possibly love you back.” Sugizo suggested, his words breaking the joyful mood like a pin popping a balloon.  
“I know how that feels.” Miyavi admitted, it was how he felt right now, being here with Sugizo in a small café sitting so close and yet feeling so terribly far apart from everything he had ever wanted.  
“Bitter sweet.” Sugizo explained, the word summarising this moment perfectly.


	7. Chapter 7

Sugizo felt like he was in a drug endorsed dream. He stared upon this angel with raven hair and a smile that could melt even Scrooge's heart. Miyavi was perfect in every way, not just physically but mentally too, he was smart and kind and so funny without even trying. Sugizo had felt this light headed and blissful many times whilst taking heroin but he was pretty sure this time he was sober. This wasn't a delusion caused by narcotics, it was simply a very dangerous crush and his promise to Sakura taunted him over and over. The next person he liked was clearly Miyavi but how could he try and form a relationship with him, when the other was straight? OK all he had to do was find out without a doubt that the other wasn't interested in men, right? That was trying to form a relationship with the other, it'd just failed very early on and then he was free to carry on life as he pleased. Again this was cheating but Sugizo didn't care. He wasn't letting anything, or anyone, control his decisions any more.

“Have you ever heard of the story of Apollo and Hycainthus?” Sugizo asked who was interested in all religions, especially those that didn't condemn homosexual love.

“No,” Miyavi admitted. “Is this another story about your narcissism?”

“No, jealousy.” Sugizo corrected. “You see Hycainthus was in some ways like Narcissus, handsome and strong but he was kind too. He attracted the attention of the god Apollo and they fell madly in love. Apollo even came down from Olympus to live a human life with his lover. But Hycainthus was special I guess, he must have been because Zephyros, the west wind, fell in love with him too. In a fit of jealousy he caused a discus that Apollo had thrown to hit Hycainthus in the head. Maybe he was just trying to cause an argument but Hycainthus died and Apollo turned him into a flower.”

“Wanting what you can't have, tends to get people hurt.” Miyavi replied looking so miserable Sugizo just had to hug him. It was a awkward hug and he pulled back embarrassed, relieved that the waitress came just in time with their food. He ate quietly, staring down at his meal unable to look at Miyavi. He shouldn't have done that, it was reckless and stupid, but he couldn't help it. The other had looked grieved beyond anything he had ever seen before and he had to do something to take away from that pain. It'd been the wrong story to tell, his aim only to be to see Miyavi's reaction to homosexual relationships, and now he felt stupid for telling it. What must Miyavi be thinking and what was it about the story that was causing the other so much anguish?

“Do you know a lot of Greek stories?” Miyavi asked, his face an unreadable mask, though his body language suggested he'd chosen to ignore recent events and carry on as if nothing had happened.

“Some, I just like studying religion,” Sugizo replied. “There's just so many out there, so many different gods and every religious person believes their religion is the correct one, or at very least their preferred way to worship the same god.

“I'm not overly religious but I do have a Buddhist sutra tattooed to my back.” Miyavi admitted. Sugizo had noticed Miyavi had tattoo's, it was hard to miss the ones on his fingers, but he had chosen to ignore them trusting that a man like Miyavi wouldn't be in the Yakuza. The topic was out in the open now and Sugizo realised more than making sure Miyavi wasn't gay, he really should find out if the other had connections to the criminal underworld, who were well known to show their loyalty to each other through body art.

“Do you have a lot of tattoos?” Sugizo asked carefully but curious.

“Phrases that are important to me,” Miyavi replied. “Like on my left arm I have (一生涯凡人也) 'All my life, I'm just a man' to remind myself of my own limits, I don't want to ever become the kind of person who gets a ego and forgets that he's no different to everyone else out there. No better, no worse.”

“So humble,” Sugizo replied genuinely inspired by Miyavi's selfless nature, there was no way this man was connected to the Yakuza, he was too sweet, too kind and far too innocent to be connected to such people. Sugizo had met the Yakuza before, what drug addict in Japan hadn't, and Miyavi was nothing like them. Love might be blind, it might be stupid and so his crush might cloud his judgement of Miyavi but in this he had no doubt, Miyavi was good.

“Perhaps,” Miyavi commented doubtfully. “But sometimes I just feel so incredibly, selfish.”

“Selfishness is the base of human nature,” Sugizo replied. “We want food, love and attention right from the very moment we're born, perhaps even before. Selfishness is learned but to forget your own needs causes problems.” He found himself remembering Sakura's comments about self denial being in his nature. For a second he actually got what Sakura was saying, when he suggested that Sugizo had caused his problems by denying his true nature. Then the moment was gone and Sugizo felt a little silly for even thinking like that.

“Maybe,” Miyavi replied. “But it changes when you have kids, I've found. I'd happily lay down and die if it meant my daughters happiness, I'd go hungry just to feed them, naked so they had clothes.”

“Kids do that.” Sugizo agreed, feeling like a fraud. He'd only been a Father for a few weeks, when it should have been over five years, but he got what Miyavi was saying. Luna was everything to him and yes he would die for her. The thought startled him as he hadn't realised his emotions were that strong but he couldn't take it back. Luna was what mattered to him most, but that didn't mean he couldn't find love too? Love, he hadn't done well in checking Miyavi was out of the question but part of him didn't want to know. If he didn't know for sure, then he still had a chance, right? If he didn't know for sure then he'd just have to keep seeing Miyavi until he found out. So it was best never to know. Sugizo already suspected it was too late to abandon Miyavi, he already felt like they were good friends.

 

That day Sugizo knew he'd found something special in Miyavi and despite the age gap, what were years really, they quickly became best friends. There was just something about their personalities that connected so perfectly. Sugizo's life became increasingly pleasant as he spent more and more time with Miyavi. The other starting to deliberately turn up when he was with Luna, so their kids could play together, much to Sugizo's Mother's annoyance. The third time this happen she reported events to Luna's Mother, who for the first time in what felt like forever, took Sugizo's side. If Sugizo had a friend with daughters who Luna got on with, it was good that they should get to play together. As Sugizo listened to her take his side, he felt pleased. It was a small step towards rebuilding the trust between them, though he knew that if his Mother found some kind of reason to dislike Miyavi, other than him being Sugizo's friend, the situation could turn out incredibly difficult.

A couple of months passed and Sugizo never got over his crush, or made any effort to find another outlet for his affections, but his feelings were under control now. He could see Miyavi as a friend and ignore the part of him that wanted more. Self denial was horrible, there was nothing enjoyable about being in love with someone who would never love you back. Sugizo was now sure Sakura's brain had been damaged by the drugs he had previously taken, to come up with such an insane theory.

Despite their friendship Sugizo never told Miyavi about his drug addictions and the other had never told him about the pain that was sometimes reflected in his eyes. Sugizo guessed it was from the loss of his wife, Melody.

 

“Sugi-chan, you know a lot about houses,” Miyavi commented one evening, when the two of them were hanging out in the home Miyavi shared with his mother, children and brother. Miyavi had made it clear to Sugizo it was a temporary thing but the other had never judged Miyavi for this. He'd lost his wife and had two children to raise alone, in such a time anyone might need their family for support. “Which of these houses do you prefer?” he asked placing two property details on the table for Sugizo to study.

“They're both far out from the city,” Sugizo commented, reading the addresses and feeling sad. If Miyavi moved this far away how would they be able to hang out so easily and frequently?

“Not that far,” Miyavi corrected. “You can get to the café in half an hour on the trains and here in twenty minutes.”

“I suppose that's true,” Sugizo agreed. “I was thinking about it from my apartment.”

“I didn't think of that. Forget these then, neither feel right anyway.” Miyavi explained.

“We could house hunt this weekend if you like?” Sugizo suggested. “Perhaps somewhere near my side of town?”

“Well I wouldn't want to move too far from you,” Miyavi admitted. “You've become one of my closest friends, you're so easy to talk to. That's why I think I need to let you know just how messed up I am. I don't want to continue this friendship built on a lie.”

“What lie?” Sugizo asked caught off guard, he'd never thought Miyavi might have a dark secret that might affect their friendship. Could this be connected to the grief Miyavi held inside?

“Before I married Melody, I was going to leave her,” Miyavi explained. “But she fell pregnant just before I could and I liked her so I thought things might turn out OK. They kind of did, when she wanted a second child I was happy to go along with it but my entire marriage, I felt resentful of her. I loved her but I hated her too, for trapping me in a marriage I didn't want. I wished she was dead and then she was and the guilt is all consuming.” The young man explained, his eyes filling up with tears. “I killed her, didn't I?”

“No!” Sugizo exclaimed shocked that Miyavi had been living with such guilt. “You didn't kill her, it was the fire.”

“But what if my wish caused the fire?” Miyavi asked, clearly longing for freedom from this guilt but unable to find it in Sugizo's words.

“No. It had nothing to do with your feelings. It was just a terrible thing to happen. Random.” Sugizo replied firmly but Miyavi didn't look convinced. “Trust me, I know about self caused destruction, a fire isn't it.”

“I'm dark and twisted inside,” Miyavi continued. “Even my love is tainted.”

“How can love be tainted?” Sugizo demanded.

“Because my love is directed at men not women,” Miyavi explained and loosing all ability to control himself Sugizo leant over the table and kissed Miyavi fiercely on the lips.

“I'm sorry...” Sugizo began to apologise but Miyavi interrupted him with their second kiss, which was followed with a third and then a fourth before the two men pulled apart. Very much aware that at any moment someone might enter the kitchen from the lounge across the hall.

“You're the sexiest man I've ever met.” Miyavi told Sugizo, this confession coming easily now that he knew his feelings were returned.

“You're so beautiful, I've wanted you from the moment I laid eyes on you at the cinema.” Sugizo admitted. “But how was I supposed to know a man with two children would be into this kind of thing?”

“You're one to talk, you have a daughter yourself. Were you trapped in a marriage too?” Miyavi asked sympathetically.

“For me, I could go either way, I've never considered dating a man before. It was easier to ignore this part of myself,” Sugizo explained. “But I don't want to ignore it when I'm around you.”

“So what, we're dating now?” Miyavi asked, his eyes filled up with so much hope and longing. Sugizo felt bad that he wasn't ready to say yes.

“We'll see how this goes,” He replied picking up one of the house details and looking it over. “Though I do agree a garden is important.” he added. For a moment Miyavi looked confused but then he too saw his brother entering the room and the conversation moved onto what kind of house he should buy, both wishing they could just be alone together and experimental with this new found aspect of their relationship. Sugizo wasn't ready for a boyfriend but that didn't mean he didn't want Miyavi. He'd give this relationship a try, see if it was for him. At the very least they could have some fun.

 


	8. Chapter 8

Miyavi was in two minds about the events of the night they had kissed. On the one hand Sugizo's reaction to his confession to being gay was not to run away in revulsion, or to console him with kinds words. It hadn't even been to be cool about it, which was all Miyavi had hoped for. No Sugizo's reaction had been to kiss him and then to tell him that he was beautiful. Clearly Sugizo had feelings for him, or did he? After the grand confession things had just gone back to how they had been before, an easy friendship with Sugizo still keeping everything reserved and locked away. This was totally contradictory to how easily Sugizo had admitted to his narcissism, something Miyavi had no doubt existed. Then there was his alcoholism that he had confessed too easily enough and yet he was incredibly secretive about other aspects of his life. Miyavi had never been to Sugizo's apartment, never met any of Sugizo's friends, not even Sakura who Sugizo had mentioned on more than a few occasions. Something wasn't quite right about the other man.Miyavi hated himself for doubting his friend but the doubt was there all the same.

Maybe he was just bitter that Sugizo hadn't just gone with the flow and suggested they started dating, the other was reluctant to start a relationship though Miyavi could understand that. If he could chose between men and women would he have really been here chasing after a man? Sugizo had an unfair advantage here and Miyavi was just as convinced the other had only kissed him due to physical attraction, as he was that Sugizo must want him as badly as he wanted him.

'I have to take this matter into my own hands.' Miyavi decided. He would invite Sugizo on a date and hope it went well. Last night had been a difficult time to discuss anything with constant interruptions. He really needed to find a new home where he could get some kind of privacy, though he was kind of scared to do that. It felt too much like moving on too fast and Miyavi felt incredibly guilty that dating Sugizo didn't make him feel like that. Clearly yet another sign that Melody had never been anything more than his closest friend.

Sugizo wasn't working at the café today, so Miyavi waited until his morning break to call Sugizo silently praying he wouldn't get the answering machine. His heart pounded in his chest but outwardly he knew he was calm, confident and friendly, he'd always been good at flirting.

“Hey Meev.” Sugizo answered the phone and Miyavi smiled in relief pushing away his nerves and going for the plunge.

“So Sugi, after last night I think it's time you and I went out for a date. Friday OK?” Miyavi asked, disappointed by the moment of silence while Sugizo thought things over.

“Meev, I'm not ready to openly date a man,” Sugizo admitted. “I just couldn't stand the judging eyes right now.”

“Well it doesn't have to be openly a date. Don't men hang out together for fun?” Miyavi asked.

“A secret date,” Sugizo commented. “Do you even have time?”

“I could ask my Mother to look after my girls,” Miyavi explained. “I was thinking we could just have dinner and then go to see the Tokyo tower all lit up or something like that.”

“That wouldn't feel like a date to me,” Sugizo replied. “Not if we couldn't hold hands.”

“Sugi, do you even want to go on a date?” Miyavi demanded, getting annoyed by Sugizo's excuses and reluctance to form any plans. His confidence was starting to fade and he was beginning to wonder how he could be friends with Sugizo, when clearly what they wanted from this relationship was so different. He could have handled Sugizo being straight, but this was becoming unbearable.

“Yes,” Sugizo replied. “I want a date, which isn't two guys just chilling one night. Come to my apartment, let me know when, and I'll cook for you and rent a DVD or something. If you're serious about the Tokyo tower we could always go before the meal but if I can't touch you, if we can't hold hands, if I can't kiss you, it's not a date. I don't want to have to pretend, I’ve spent far too long hiding how I really feel for you.”

Miyavi couldn't believe what he'd just heard, he felt like he was floating and he could barely answer to agree that this sounded all right. It was better than all right and it was only after he hung up the phone and called his Mother to arrange a night to himself that his mind filled in a few of the gaps. Hugging led to kissing, kissing led to sex and Sugizo had deliberately arranged for them to be in his apartment alone together with no interruptions.

 

Miyavi had been a little panicked when he had first thought Sugizo wanted a physical relationship from now on. He had no idea what he was doing in bed with a man for one thing, but now he was just looking forward to it. He'd seen enough gay porn over the years to not be entirely clueless and he'd made sure to buy condoms and lube on his way over to Sugizo's apartment. His Mother had always told him that it was the man's responsibility to bring protection, something he didn't agree with entirely but always made sure he brought it just in case she was right. Whilst this relationship was different and he was sure Sugizo wouldn't over look such an obvious thing, he wouldn't turn up unprepared. He hadn't used a condom once and he had ended up married to a woman he saw only as a friend. Sure neither he or Sugizo could fall pregnant, at least he really hoped not because that would just be weird, but there were plenty of other things that could go wrong if they weren’t careful.

Knocking on Sugizo's door Miyavi felt his excitement grow and he was smiling like a happy moron when Sugizo appeared to let him in. Trying not to stare, Miyavi took in the tight black jeans and red form fitting shirt Sugizo was wearing and felt the overwhelming desire to rip them off the other, throw him down and have his wicked way with him. “Later” Miyavi scolded himself, though he knew his intentions must be visible on his face. It was a good thing he no longer had to hide how he felt towards the other because right now it simply wasn't possible. The door shut behind them and Sugizo placed a gentle kiss on Miyavi's lips, nothing more than a hello but it was sweet and tender and spoke of Sugizo's affection for him.

“Shall I give you a guided tour?” Sugizo asked, knowing this was Miyavi's first time here. “It's not that big but it suits me.”

“I'd like to see where you live,” Miyavi admitted and Sugizo led the way into his living room, which was simply decorated and consisting of not much more than a sofa and TV on one end and a small dining table at the other. The dining table was already laid out with an unlit candle in the middle and though everything was simple, it all seemed very much like Sugizo. This was a house of someone making a fresh start after discarding much from his past, it's secrets hidden out of sight.

“You probably expected more from me,” Sugizo admitted. “but recently I’ve been trying to go back to basics, I don't want to own a bunch of stuff I don't need.”

“No, I understand.” Miyavi replied, it all came down to self denial just like Sakura said. He could see exactly where Sugizo's friend was coming from but he didn't dare tell Sugizo that he agreed. He didn't want Sugizo to think he was crazy too. “I lost everything in that fire, I know how it feels to have to start again and whilst I didn't chose it, it's refreshing to have a clean slate. Like a second chance to get things right.”

“Second chances are nice,” Sugizo agreed. “But I blew mine. I've lost count of how many chances I've had. It was only when I’d run out that I decided that actually I did want to change. It's so much harder now than it would have been if I’d just sorted out things the first time.”

“Sugi?” Miyavi asked nervously.

“Let me show you the kitchen,” Sugizo announced, walking through a door and leaving Miyavi behind to collect his thoughts together. Clearly Sugizo was talking about his addiction, a subject he never waned to discuss, and now wanted to forget it had ever been brought up. It was best to not upset him Miyavi decided, heading into the other room to continue the tour.

 

Dinner had been delicious and Miyavi had enjoyed every bite, especially knowing Sugizo must have spent all day cooking for him. They'd kept conversation light and easy, nerves making Miyavi fall back to the friendship he knew worked between them. Now that they were sat on the sofa and the film was coming to an end, he realised that it was the time to act. If they weren't careful their friendship would graduate into nothing more than a few kisses but it wasn't what Miyavi wanted.

“Thanks for tonight,” Miyavi thanked Sugizo leaning over to kiss him gently on the lips. The other didn't answer, though he did kiss Miyavi back and taking this as a sign that it was OK to continue Miyavi straddled Sugizo's lap and kissed him again with more confidence. All the months since he'd slept with Melody, all the years he had ignored the fact it was a man he wanted, seemed to come together and demanded he slept with Sugizo now. He wasn't even worried about ruining their friendship, it just felt so much like bringing everything to a higher level, a better place.

Sugizo's arms wrapped around him and Miyavi grinded himself lightly against Sugizo as they kissed, feeling the other's body respond. It felt so natural, so right to be doing this and he had been so sure that it was why Sugizo had invited him here that he never once stopped to think he was moving too fast. Not until he began to unbutton Sugizo's shirt and the other pushed him away.

“Sugi, I'm sorry.” Miyavi apologised, seeing how agitated the other looked. What on earth had just gone wrong? Sugizo had been keen and now, all of a sudden, the other was cold.

“I can't go further, not yet,” Sugizo admitted and Miyavi realised that as sure as he was that he liked guys, perhaps Sugizo was not.

“It's OK, I shouldn't have just assumed...” Miyavi began, blushing as he realised Sugizo was staring at the erection that now pushed against his jeans wanting to be free.

“You're so beautiful in every way,” Sugizo practically purred, fighting some unseen inner conflict. “At very least let me help you have some fun.”

“With nothing in return?” Miyavi asked but the older man only smiled as he slid of the sofa and knelt on the floor between Miyavi's legs, leaving his partner more confused that ever. Everything Sugizo did seemed to contradict the last thing he said and Miyavi knew that the other was keeping something secret, something big but also something he didn't want to know about right now.

Silently Miyavi leant back and shut his eyes, just going with what was on offer, lips descended over his crotch, kissing him gently though the fabric, teasing but also hesitant. This was Sugizo's first time with a man too, they'd admitted as much to each other over dinner, so Miyavi was going to be a patient and kind partner tonight.

Sugizo's hand shook against him as he unfastened Miyavi's jeans but the other made no sign of slowing down and before Miyavi could even suggest that he didn't have to do this, he felt the others warm mouth wrap around his length and his words became a silent gasp of surprised pleasure. For his first time with a man, Sugizo seemed to know exactly what he was doing and Miyavi couldn't remain silent for long. Despite the other's previous nerves he was confident now and for the first time Miyavi wasn't picturing anyone else pleasuring him. Sugizo was everything he had ever desired.

“Sugi, I'm about to cum,” Miyavi got out in between gasps but the other only pleasured him harder and feeling a little out of control Miyavi came just as Sugizo pulled back. He should have been embarrassed but as he opened his eyes and saw Sugizo with cum trickling over his lips and onto his chin he was only turned on. At least Sugizo didn't seem angry as he got up and headed into his bathroom.

Refastening his clothes Miyavi wondered what he was supposed to do now but Sugizo returned quickly not showing any visible signs of being turned on, perhaps nerves had killed his desire?

“Cum tastes really strange,” Sugizo admitted, as he sat back down on the sofa pulling Miyavi into a hug as his free hand reaching for the remote control for the TV. Beneath the peaceful scene lust and desire bubbles beneath the surface but for whatever reason Sugizo was refusing to let events go any further and, as was becoming frequently common, Miyavi was confused by Sugizo's actions. Had the other just sucked him off to keep him quiet? Why then agree to a date in the first place. Miyavi had to find out Sugizo's secret. He just didn't know how to ask.

 


	9. Chapter 9

“Well, you didn't give him food poisoning,” Sakura commented, sounding almost disappointed. “I ruined a date once by making a girl throw up. I found out later that was due to an allergic reaction, not my cooking.”

“I'm a good cook and you know it!” Sugizo exclaimed, annoyance temporarily breaking through his depression. He'd ruined everything the other night and wanting a fix so badly that nothing could distract him, not tonight. He'd ended up at Sakura's in the early hours of the morning curled up on the sofa sulking. Sakura was slowly prying the information from him and Sugizo had to admit he felt a little bit better just having Sakura's unwavering support. Nothing he did or said would scare his mentor away, Sakura had already seen him at his worse.

“OK, so after the meal?” Sakura asked.

“We watched a film and then he kissed me,” Sugizo admitted. “And it was so good and he was so keen, I think I could have done anything I wanted to him right then but I messed up.”

“You farted?” Sakura asked, making Sugizo smile.

“He was unbuttoning my shirt and I panicked. He can't see my scars,” Sugizo admitted. “I haven't told him and he'll ask where they came from and I can't lie to him. The second he finds out I took heroin it'll be over.”

“So you left him horny?” Sakura asked, surprised to find his usually over confident friend blushed. Clearly Sugizo's wasn't as confident describing his personal moments with men like he was when he'd been with a woman.

“I blew him,” Sugizo admitted. “Bought myself some time.”

“So you were his bitch,” Sakura teased. Sugizo ignored the dig and continued.

“It was strange at first but it feels really natural after awhile,” Sugizo admitted. “It's not unpleasant at least, or degrading despite you're attempts to make me feel like it should be. If anything it was empowering to make him that happy. His face is the most beautiful when consumed by sexual desire.”

“I sucked a man once, for drugs,” Sakura admitted. “Now that was degrading.”

“For me men were always off limits,” Sugizo explained. “It's strange that I never went gay for drugs and you did. Kind of mind blowing.”

“No what's mind blowing is that you sucked a man to avoid sex,” Sakura retorted. “So now what? You're not going to get away with this again.”

“No. I've already hurt and confused him by being so hot and cold with him,” Sugizo sighed feeling terrible for this but not sure how he could have done anything and different.

“If you want to be more than friends then he's going to find out. You need to tell him,” Sakura advised never one to shield the harsh truth.

“He'll hate me, think I'm too dangerous for his kids to be around. It'll be over.” Sugizo complained.

“Fine don't tell him, lead him on and then tell him you can only be friends,” Sakura replied. “Are you that cruel?”

“Can't you make the scars just go away?” Sugizo begged.

“Sure. All you need is milk from a virgin cow, honey from a bee that cannot sting and a tear from a golden unicorn,” Sakura teased making Sugizo glare angrily.

“Idiot,” he scolded.

“Homo,” Sakura retorted, the word meant very much as an insult, yet Sugizo knew the other really didn't care what he did in the bedroom or with who. Sakura was the least judgemental man he had ever met, but that didn't mean he was getting away with such an insult!

 

Sugizo in the end had decided he was going to have to tell Miyavi the truth the next time he saw him and then done the mature and sensible thing of trying to avoid seeing the other in any situation where they would be alone. It was a good plan that was blown a few nights later when Miyavi turned up unannounced at his apartment holding what appeared to be a CD or DVD.

“What is this?” Miyavi demanded sounding annoyed.

“Huh?” Sugizo replied intelligently, knowing that Miyavi wouldn't like his answer of 'A disk'. The other didn't wait for him to reply as he let himself into the others lounge and so Sugizo followed Miyavi into the other room and watched him put the DVD into the player. His wide screen TV brought up a familiar image and Sugizo's heart sank, so Miyavi had found this? Yet another secret but not one he had ever thought he would have to share with Miyavi.

“Miyavi...” Sugizo began as he stared at the image of a jewellery shop on the TV. He knew what came next but he couldn't look away as the camera gave a few token shots up the store girl's skirt before the burglar broke into the shop. By now anyone would have figured it was porn but it wouldn't be for a few more minutes before the burglar pulled off his mask. Sugizo still remembered wearing that, it had been hot and itchy and stuck to his hair giving it terrible static. The hair lady had to fix that before they could continue the scene, which involved the girl begging him not to steal from her. The burglar, Sugizo, had happily agreed and taken her body instead giving the viewer a good twenty minutes of watching the girl be taken in multiple positions and clearly enjoying every minute of this 'attack.'

“How much have you watched?” Sugizo asked knowing Miyavi must be aware that it was him in the mask to have brought the video here.

“Enough,” Came the answer.

“It was just this one video,” Sugizo tried to explain, pausing the video. It was a dangerous thing to do in porn but he'd been lucky and just got a close up of the girls face. There was something about her expression that silently mocked Sugizo for his secrets. “I needed money.”

“I know that, at least the money part,” Miyavi replied. “Shinji told me as much.”

“Shinji?” Sugizo repeated confused. Who the hell was Shinji?

“He started working at the café last week, he saw you come in and recognised you.” Miyavi explained and suddenly Sugizo remembered the boy, the other had looked familiar but it was only now that he was able to remember where from. Shinji had been his friend once, if someone who you shared your alcoholism with could be called a friend.

“Do you hate me, for being in porn?” Sugizo asked. “It was a long time ago.”

“Not for being in porn,” Miyavi responded. “For lying to me! You're no alcoholic!”

“I was going to tell you!” Sugizo declared but it was clear Miyavi didn't believe him. “I swear I was.”

“Tell me now then. I want to hear it from you.” Miyavi snapped angrily.

“I dropped out of university to become a rock star,” Sugizo explained. “But it failed and I ended up experimenting with various drugs. Moving from one to the next, until I ended up hooked on cocaine. My parent's money stopped coming so I did some things I'm not proud of to fund my habit. That video was one of them, prostituting myself to girls was another. I love sex so it didn't seem like a bad life. Until my addiction almost killed me. So I eventually quit after a couple of rehab sessions, funded by my parents. Turns out they would pay for me to get better.”

“You told me it was alcohol,” Miyavi accused.

“It was!” Sugizo exclaimed. “I swear I haven't lied to you. The alcoholism grew as a way to deal with the lack of drugs. I couldn't live while sober.”

“I suppose he could have got confused between cocaine and heroin but it sounded recent...” Miyavi commented puzzled and Sugizo realised that he'd just confessed to an addiction he didn't need to. He'd never planned to let Miyavi know about the rest, fearing cocaine alone was bad enough but he'd laid that card on the table and it was time to show his full hand.

“Heroin came later,” Sugizo admitted. “I battled that addiction for seven years before giving up fifteen months ago.”

“How can I even believe you're sober now?” Miyavi demanded. “All you seem to do is go from one addiction to the next! I've let you near my children, I trusted you and all this time you were lying. I was worried about letting an alcoholic into my life but I trusted you. I can't now, this is too much.”

“I swear it's over.” Sugizo promised feeling desperate. He couldn't let their friendship end like this, couldn't give up on the other without a fight.

“I don't see how it can be,” Miyavi sceptically replied looking stunned as he realised Sugizo was stripping away his clothes.

“Look at me,” Sugizo demanded. “Find just one scar that looks recent, just one sign that you think I've taken recently and I'll let you walk out that door and never bother you again. But I'm clean, I have to be for Luna.” His voice broke at the mention of his daughter's name and he felt tears begin to fall from his eyes. He had to be sober for her, couldn't Miyavi see that?

“I need time to think,” Miyavi finally replied, seeming torn before he walked out of the room, leaving Sugizo to his misery.

Sugizo didn't chase after the other, he couldn't even if he had been dressed. What else could he say? Miyavi was right not to trust him, he'd let people down before. What was the point of his existence? How could he make anyone happy?

He was supposed to call Sakura when he felt like this but he couldn't bare the others frank honesty right now. Instead he curled up and pulled the sofa's throw over his body like a blanket and sobbed as he clutched a picture of Luna in his hands. She was all he had, the one person he would never hurt. That was his point, to be a father to this girl. Even when life made him feel like he should just die, he had to be strong. That was the promise he'd made to himself the day he had seen his daughter for the first time.

Eventually his sorrow subsided and Sugizo slid into the shower, turning the water on hot and just standing there silently. Hardly moving, except the rise and fall of his chest He realised that this was the very first time since he had given up heroin that depression hadn't made him crave the drug. The realisation was enough to lift his spirits slightly and give him some hope. Heroin's hold was failing now, he was making progress and he could be strong but that didn't mean he didn't hurt any less for having lost Miyavi. He was a fool, but at least now he was an honest one.

 

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

Miyavi knew he had over reacted to Sugizo's confession but once again the thought of something bad happening to his children had sent him into a state of panic. He'd said things to Sugizo he now regretted terribly. Of course Sugizo had been sober the entire time they'd been together, he'd been battling his demons so well that Miyavi hadn't even suspected they were there. It all fell into place now, especially Sugizo's unusual child care arrangement where he could only see his daughter when his mother was around. Miyavi had been cruel and judgemental and he feared he had sent Sugizo into a relapse.

It had been Shinji's fault, filling his head with tales of the man Sugizo had been, as if that was who he was now and Miyavi hadn't tried to defend Sugizo because Shinji's words had somehow rung true. Some friend he was, he should have defended Sugizo but instead he'd turned everything into a terrible mess. The only good thing that had come out of last night had been seeing Sugizo naked but the memory was bitter and he couldn't appreciate it.

Miyavi owed Sugizo an apology and the chance to talk calmly about how this might affect things. He didn't want to give up on the other but he had his children to think about as well. What if Sugizo let him down?

“Something is bothering you Mi-chan,” Miyavi mother commented as she sat at the breakfast table beside him looking concerned.

“I'm just ill,” Miyavi lied, his excuse for being off work that day.

“Yes, a sickness of the heart,” his mother concluded and Miyavi sighed, there really were no secrets from his Mother.

“Sugizo and I argued last night,” he admitted. “I found out some things about him I didn't want to know.”

“Secrets have their way out into the open,” the old lady said. “Tell your old Mother what's so terrible that it would ruin your friendship.”

“He's an addict,” Miyavi found himself admitting. “Alcohol and drugs.”

“He takes them now?” she asked.

“He says he's been sober over a year.” Miyavi explained.

“Then he's not an addict,” she replied firmly. “You can't make someone suffer eternally for their past.”

“You think I'm wrong to be upset?” Miyavi asked.

“Not if you truly don't want to be his friend, but you're not that judgemental. You're open and loving and full of forgiveness,” his Mother reminded him.

“But it's not about me, it's about the girls too, Miyavi worried. “I can't let him hurt them.”

“Then don't leave your girls alone with him. Nobody said he was to be a babysitter.” she scolded and Miyavi sighed. If only he could have been as accepting as his Mother.

 

The phone rang just two rings before Sugizo picked up, warily saying hi and waiting to hear what Miyavi had to say. It broke Miyavi's heart he had hurt the other so badly but he needed to let go of the past, his and Sugizo's, so they could move forward.

“Sugi, I'm sorry.” Miyavi apologised. “I should have listened to you and judged you by your present not your past.”

“It was a natural reaction,” Sugizo said sounding tired. Had he been up all night? “Why do you think I tried to keep it secret?”

“Sugi, where are you? I need to see you,” Miyavi begged, he knew he sounded desperate but he had to talk to his friend face to face. Had to know things between them were OK and, though he wouldn't admit it, he wanted to make sure Sugizo had kept his sobriety.

“At home,” Sugizo admitted. “But you don't need to come. I get that you feel bad about the way you reacted, I can't blame you, so I won't accept your apology. There's nothing to forgive but I don't think we should be friends.”

“Sugi?” Miyavi stammered, had he really blown things this badly. “Why?”

“I'm not the man you deserve. I can't be openly in love with you, I have a dark past that's only going to throw up more dirt the longer you know me. No more addictions by the way, but so much trouble I caused because I had no control. I'm not safe to be around, all the time my resolve to stay sober wavers. I can't be your lover and don't tell me we can be friends because I couldn't stand to be around you, knowing you weren't mine.”

“Sugi, you idiot,” Miyavi snapped. “You think I'd be calling now begging forgiveness if I wasn't aware that you'd made mistakes? I reacted badly, don't hold that against me.”

“Meev, you're important to me and that's why I have to let you go.” Sugizo confessed.

“Don't be an idiot!” Miyavi snapped again. “You have no say in who's good enough for me!” There was silence and it was then that Miyavi realised Sugizo had hung up, probably hadn't even heard his last words. Well that was too bad, he wasn't going to let Sugizo go, not this easily.

 

Miyavi waited only long enough for Sugizo to unlock the door to his apartment before flinging it open and slamming it shut behind him still angry from the phone call. If Sugizo hadn't accepted his apology, if Sugizo had told him he didn't care, if Sugizo had sounded anything but sober, things would have been different but that wasn't reality. Sugizo had accepted his reaction and forgiven him because Sugizo cared about him, this Miyavi now knew for sure. Only someone in love could be this stupid.

“You think I'm fucking ready to come out?” Miyavi snapped angrily. “You think I don't come with my own secrets? My own mistakes? Melody was sixteen when I got her pregnant, I was six years older than her and should have known better. I led her on, married her and if she hadn't died would have broken her heart into a thousand shreds. So don't you dare be thinking I'm better than you!”

“Meev...” Sugizo tried to interject but Miyavi was too angry to listen.

“I'm messed up, broken inside, I don't even know if I can be a decent boyfriend but hell I want to try!” Miyavi vented. “Call it an experiment, call it a bit of fun, whatever, but unless you can tell me you don't want me, that you don't like me, then I'm here to stay.”

“Off course I want you,” Sugizo admitted somewhat stunned by Miyavi's outburst.

“Then let me in, tell me your secrets,” Miyavi begged. “Stop trying to push me away.”

“They might hurt you,” Sugizo warned.

“Not as much as not having you,” Miyavi replied stubbornly. His anger was gone and he was left vulnerable and exposed, far more so than when Sugizo had stripped before him and begged him to find just one sign that he'd been taking drugs.

“I could lose Luna, if we get found out,” Sugizo complained.

“We won't be found out,” Miyavi promised and seeming to accept that promise Sugizo wrapped his arms protectively around Miyavi.

“I can't promise my love,” He warned. “I can't give you my heart and soul but we can try to be together, you and me. If you will accept the twisted mess that I am.”

“We can help repair each other,” Miyavi suggested and Sugizo nodded, placing his lips over Miyavi's briefly, more than a touch but not really a kiss either.

“Does it bother you my naked ass is on the internet for all to see?” Sugizo asked as he simply held onto Miyavi, too emotionally drained to do anything else. For the first time since Miyavi had met Sugizo he was seeing the real man beneath who Sugizo presented himself as. Sugizo wasn't together, he wasn't cool and confident, he was weak and could easily make mistakes and so very sensitive that Miyavi, despite being younger, knew he was going to have to take control, at least emotionally. He couldn't lose his cool with Sugizo again, he needed to be patient and understanding and strangely that also involved letting go. He didn't have to be a strong man for Sugizo, he didn't have to be fearless or confident, he just had to listen and try his best to understand.

“It's OK, the world hasn't seen your scars,” Miyavi replied referring to more than just the ones on Sugizo's arms. “Also the world doesn't get to grope it.” he added wickedly placing his hands on Sugizo's ass, giving the cheeks a gentle squeeze.

“That's all you wanted, a chance to feel me up,” Sugizo teased and Miyavi gave his most evil of smiles.

“Off course,” He answered laughing as Sugizo slapped him lightly on his own ass.

“Do you want something to eat?” Sugizo asked out of the blue. “I'm starving. I haven't ate all day.”

“Is that sexual?” Miyavi teased.

“No literally, I'm starving.” Sugizo announced. “Which means breakfast date.”

“It's half eleven,” Miyavi replied feeling his stomach react to the concept of food, he'd only had a little bit of toast for breakfast and now he realised he was hungry. “It'll be lunch by the time you cook anything.”

“Breakfast is the beginning,” Sugizo retorted. “And pretty much the only food I have in is eggs.”

“Eggs then,” Miyavi agreed following Sugizo into the kitchen, watching him prepare the quick meal. If this was their second date it was a lot more relaxed than the first. Sugizo wasn't putting a lot of time and effort into the food, he was only wearing loose fitting jeans and a faded band t-shirt and the kitchen wasn't tidy but Miyavi found this a lot more honest and easy. They'd pulled away the veil of pretence and that had hurt but now he felt like they were finally starting to really get to know each other.

Miyavi hadn't been in Sugizo's kitchen long before, so he took this opportunity to take in some of the luxury this room contained, every appliance was brand name, the odd product on display appeared to be a luxury label and everything look pristine and new. Sugizo might be into self denial but it certainly didn't cross over to this room.

“Oh, I have something for you,” Sugizo remembered, pulling some papers out of a drawer. He seemed nervous as he handed it over, worried to how Miyavi would react. Picking up on Sugizo's mood Miyavi nervously took in what he was seeing, relieved, and then pleased as he realised these were details for various houses and apartments in the local area.

“You went and got these for me?” Miyavi asked.

“I'm sorry if I crossed a line,” Sugizo apologised but he obviously hadn't as Miyavi gave him a hug and began studying the brochures with genuine enthusiasm. They weren't all what he liked but at least two stood out as the perfect home.

“When did you find the time to get these?” Miyavi asked.

“One afternoon last week,” Sugizo replied. “It didn't take long, I’d found the properties online and just went in the branches to get the ones I needed.”

“Well thank you,” Miyavi replied clearly touched by Sugizo doing him a favour without being asked. It was rare that anyone was that thoughtful when it came to him.

“Breakfast is served,” Sugizo announced and Miyavi smiled as he accepted the eggs, realising that he was going to have to be careful never to argue with Sugizo again, how would he cope without the other in his life?

Hungrily he dug in, complimenting Sugizo as he ate the meal and making idle observations over the properties, just feeling happy to be here with his closest friend. No longer so many secrets stood between them. Once they had finished Sugizo cleared up and turned to Miyavi with a confident smile, something about his mood had changed but Miyavi couldn't quite catch what it was.

“Can I show you my bedroom?” Sugizo asked. “I feel I have some things to finish with you, that would be best done there.”

“Well you did cook me breakfast.” Miyavi replied with a shy smile as he took Sugizo's hand and allowed the other to lead him out of the kitchen. So today was going to be the day he learned for sure if he could love a man in an intimate way, it was only a couple of decades too late!

 


	11. Chapter 11

Sugizo felt his heart race as Miyavi waited on all fours on the bed. They'd fooled around a bit first, getting used to being together and just seeing each other naked but now they were ready for the next step and it was a big one. Here Miyavi was, on his bed naked and eager and Sugizo felt like the happiest man in the world. Somehow this was easier than giving Miyavi a blow job, maybe because he'd had a few girls who had bent over for him like this before. Well at least he had some idea what he was doing and so carefully he slid his lube coated middle finger into Miyavi, slowly moving it around realising already Miyavi was going to be tighter than any girl he had taken before. Well clearly the girls he had weren't anal virgins, though one had claimed as much. Sugizo felt a thrill he hadn't had since he was a teenager, he was going to take Miyavi's virginity.

“Let me know when you're ready for more,” Sugizo whispered running his free hand lightly down Miyavi's spine, smiling as the other trembled in anticipation.

“Tease,” Miyavi complained, making Sugizo laugh. Here he was trying to be gentle but Miyavi was having none of it. Well this was the last time he was going to treat the other like a girl and without hesitation Sugizo slid in a second finger instantly beginning to scissor his fingers apart, stretching his younger partner and making him groan. Even despite his vocal protests, Miyavi's hips came up craving more and so Sugizo began to thrust his fingers with quick strong movements totally hypnotised by the way Miyavi's body reacted to this intrusion.

“More... please...” Miyavi got out between gasps of pleasure and eager to please Sugizo slid in a third finger aware of just how tight Miyavi was. The other must be in pain, he was even groaning from it, and yet he seemed to love this intrusion. Sugizo could hardly understand this but if it got Miyavi going, then so be it. He was damn sexy like this, desperate for anal pleasure.

Sugizo too was desperate and unable to wait he stopped his preparation and pulled on a condom sensing Miyavi's eyes on him as he liberally coated his desperate erection with lube. This had been what he wanted all this time, all these years he had known he was bisexual and yet resisted his instincts, but now he was going to take it.

Feeling like a horny teenager Sugizo slid his length into Miyavi, moaning as the tight heat wet from lube surrounded his sensitive flesh making both men moan. This was it, they'd crossed a line but neither of them seemed bothered and Sugizo happily accepted the part of him that was loving this.

“Mmm Sugizo, don't be too gentle.” Miyavi warned and smirking almost cruelly Sugizo grabbed Miyavi's hips and slammed into his partner making the other groan.

“I won't be gentle unless you ask.” Sugizo promised taking up a comfortable pace as he got used to being inside his friend. It took a few minutes but Sugizo found the spot which really made Miyavi lose control and he aimed for it with every forward thrust. Feeling the other tremble and shake, hearing his moans that now seemed to contain far more pleasure than pain. Yet it was the visuals that got him, that tanned, tattoo covered skin glistening with sweat, Miyavi's long black ponytail falling to one side, the way Miyavi's ass looked so smooth and perfect before him. All these sensations seemed to wrap around Sugizo and then he was coming filling the condom with his seed. He pulled out rather reluctantly.

“That was great.” Miyavi gasped grinning as Sugizo pulled off the rubber, his eyes lit up with a devilish glint as he pushed Sugizo down onto the bed and parted the others thighs. Now this was something he hadn't signed up for and wasn't sure he wanted. It was one thing taking Miyavi up the ass but now it was the other way round he wanted to refuse. He didn't though, that would hardly be fair and so he made no protest as Miyavi reached for the lube and began preparing him.

It felt strange at first, having a foreign object where it didn't belong, but it was strange in a nice way and Sugizo settled back deciding he kind of liked this. Sure it did feel like loosing some of his masculinity but he realised he no longer cared about that kind of thing.

His eyes shut as Miyavi worked on him and he realised he was letting out soft moans, barely audible but certainly there. This was more than nice, it was amazing and Sugizo felt like the luckiest man in the world. To be here with Miyavi right now was bliss, and then Miyavi found his prostrate.

How to describe that sensation? It was like being in terrible pain only to suddenly have it been taken away, being exhausted to the point of collapse and then being rejuvenated in an instance, like being starving and then offered your favourite meal. No wonder Miyavi had loved this so much and Sugizo realised he was being as eager as Miyavi had been before.

“Is it wrong that I'm jealous?” Miyavi teased.

“Totally, you had your turn.” Sugizo replied and Miyavi laughed before kissing him.

“Is that how it is?” Miyavi asked, reach for the box of condoms and pulling one out. He tore open the packet with the teeth, another visual memory that would visit Sugizo in many long lonely showers to come.

Sugizo took the condom from Miyavi, admiring the other's length that was perfectly proportioned to the others height before sliding the condom on, finding absolutely no embarrassment in his desire to touch Miyavi in this most intimate place. There simply were no rules or boundaries between them any more and so when Miyavi penetrated him he found no shame in his moan of pleasure.

Sugizo was a lot quieter than Miyavi had been but that didn't mean it wasn't obvious he was enjoying himself. Whenever Miyavi slowed, Sugizo told him to go quicker and his hands never stopped running over Miyavi's body, feeling the smooth skin and realising that he was already ready to penetrate the other again.

Miyavi must have been thinking similar thoughts because his hand was reaching for the condoms and taking the last he slid it onto Sugizo's eager length before pulling out and pushing himself down over his somewhat stunned partner. Just this was enough to finish Miyavi off and he came before he could even begin moving, taking the other slowly but with such need in his eyes Sugizo would have felt bad not to give the other exactly what he craved.

“Mmm Sugi, I swear I was born to be riding you like this.” Miyavi got out as he used Sugizo for his own pleasure, his movements slow but every one hitting his prostrate and filling him with intense joy that was clearly visible to Sugizo.

“Well I won't complain,” Sugizo replied. He took in this scene, locking it in his memory for a life time. Together they lasted a long time, until Sugizo finally came, all his trapped desires spilling out and filling the condom as Miyavi collapsed onto the bed beside him clearly exhausted.

Gently removing the condom on his length Sugizo quickly finished Miyavi off before removing the condom that still coated his length and threw them into his bin. He lay beside Miyavi finally content to be beside the other without the constant cry to touch him, to make love to him. For once his sexual desire was sated but that wouldn't last. It never did.

“Sugi?” Miyavi asked. “Is everything OK?”

“Of course,” Sugizo replied before realising he was just lying here, grinning at the ceiling as his partner lay beside him confused. Perhaps because he hadn't vocally enjoyed this in the same way Miyavi had. He never had been the type to hug someone after sex, only participating in this ritual when a girl moved against him, and he didn't really want to start doing this with Miyavi. He needed his space after such intimate contact but Miyavi was clearly hurt by thi,s so he reached down and took Miyavi's hand in his, just to let the other know he cared.

“Sugi, do you think less of me... for loving anal so much?” Miyavi asked, his confidence from before gone.

“No, I get it. I let you take me didn't I?” Sugizo asked.

“Yes but..” Miyavi began before trailing off.

“I like fucking your ass, you like taking it. To me that sounds perfect,” Sugizo described, a little too matter of fact perhaps but that was how he tended to be in such matters.

“It just feels so damn good,” Miyavi explained.

“Well it is nice,” Sugizo agreed. “I never thought I could enjoy another man inside me like that, but I was surprised at just how good it feels.”

“Can it only be you who knows I'm your girl?” Miyavi asked and Sugizo was startled to realise just how insecure Miyavi was feeling right now. “Even if we come out to the world.”

“Nothing that happens between us gets shared, not even that,” Sugizo promised, rolling onto his side so he could give Miyavi a gentle kiss. “I won't do anything that risks loosing you. You're perfect in every way and don't even care about my past.”

“No. I do care,” Miyavi admitted. “I worry you might relapse, that we'll both get hurt. But I decided to trust that won't happen. To not care about your past would be to not care about you. What you did was stupid, but you're not that Sugizo any more. That's why I can be with you now.”

“I'll stay this Sugizo,” Sugizo found himself promising. “For Luna and now for you.”

“But not yourself?” Miyavi asked.

“I always love myself,” Sugizo admitted.

“I wish I had that confidence.” Miyavi sighed, as he sat up and stretched before realising how late it had got. “Damn, I'll have to leave to pick my girls up from school in twenty minutes.”

“So soon?” Sugizo complained but Miyavi was right, the last few hours really had just disappeared. “Well let's get you showed off.”

“Really, I don't have time for that kind of thing.” Miyavi complained but as it turned out it was possible for two men to shower and get each other off in twenty minutes, even leaving them just enough time to get dressed and rush out of the door.

 

Sugizo should have let Miyavi leave and get his girls but he couldn't. He wanted to be with Miyavi permanently and so he had invited himself along to collect the two girls, embracing the cold wet day as if it was the most beautiful day in the world. Miyavi seemed happy to have him here and whilst he couldn't touch the other, couldn't talk to him as anything more than a friend, to Sugizo this was enough. He realised that Miyavi was his friend first, his lover second and this was rather startling to the older man, who had always kept his lovers and friends separate. Perhaps it was because he'd been such good friends with Miyavi first that made the difference or maybe just because they were both guys made it so easy to just hang out.

Lovelie and Jewelie were delighted to see him, especially after Sugizo told them he was treating everyone to a trip to the shops to buy art supplies for Lovelie's school project and then an early dinner. This he hadn't shared with Miyavi and the other was bound to put up a protest about him buying him a meal but that was just tough. If you slept with Sugizo you got dinner and Miyavi would soon learn his new lover didn't take no as an answer.

 


	12. Chapter 12

Miyavi was glad for the distractions his children caused around the mall because he suspected without them he would have ended up just stood still staring at Sugizo with drool hanging from his mouth. As it was, he still stole more than the odd glance in his lover's direction, his eyes undressing the other far too easily. His sexual desire should have been sated but he felt like he'd only been teased earlier and was now left far from satisfied. He needed and wanted the other and it was made all the worse for the simple fact being alone together was going to be a rare luxury.

Miyavi pushed the thought aside and realised while he was distracted Sugizo had managed to sneak off to pay for the art supplies Miyavi had been determined he wasn't going to let the other buy. It was too late now and short of sneaking money into Sugizo's wallet he knew it would be hard to pay the other back. Hard but not impossible.

“Can we have dinner now?” Jewelie asked her father pouting. She always got cranky when tired or hungry and Miyavi decided for the sake of peace they might as well go and eat.

“Sure, when Sugi gets back,” Miyavi replied calling out to Lovelie to not wander off.

“Come on Lovelie,” Sugizo ordered, getting the girls attention after she had ignored her father completely. Well at least she was listening to someone Miyavi thought, watching Sugizo hold hands with his daughter and fighting off the irrational stab of jealousy. If it was caused by the fact Lovelie had listened to Sugizo and not him, or because she was holding his hand in public, he wasn't sure.

“Jewelie and I have agreed it's dinner time,” Miyavi explained, and after a brief discussion they picked a nearby restaurant and headed in that direction. Sugizo kept both girls entertained and Miyavi followed silently missing this kind of scene. The last time he had been to the shops like this, he'd been with Melody and whilst the memories were painful and made him feel guilty, he also felt happy to be able to experience a family outing again, although Sugizo wasn't technically family.

They were seated quickly in a booth with the children one side and Sugizo and Miyavi on the other and the girls became quickly engrossed looking at the pictures in the children's menu as they decided what to eat, giving the adults a chance to talk to each other.

“I told you not to buy the art things,” Miyavi complained.

“Really it's no big deal,” Sugizo replied opening his own menu. “For the record I'm paying for this meal as well.”

“Sugizo really...” Miyavi began to protest, feeling a hand move over his thigh and resting tantalising close to his crotch.

“You can pay me back some other time,” Came the casual reply and then the hand was gone. Miyavi had very much got the message the other was trying to convey.

“Some other time,” Miyavi agreed, though he was thinking more along the lines of gifts, than what Sugizo was trying to suggest.

“Daddy!” a voice shouted out from the doors to the restaurant, Miyavi hadn't recognised the voice at first, not until a young girl was joining them hugging Sugizo tightly.

“Luna, what are you doing here?” Sugizo asked, looking surprised and then a little wary as he saw the two women who had arrived with Luna, one of which was walking in their direction with a forced neutral expression on her face. She must be Luna's mother and Miyavi instantly felt inferior in every way. If Sugizo had once ha a woman as beautiful as she was in his life, then he could find another, why would he bother keeping Miyavi around? No wonder the other was reluctant to commit to anything.

“Mummy and I went to get shoes,” Luna announced proudly as she lifted her feet up for her father to admire the black leather shoes.

“The shoes of a princess,” Sugizo confirmed, making the girl smile.

“Do you like my shoes?” Lovelie asked and Luna moved around to look, sitting besides Miyavi's children and talking about shoes like they were three teenagers and not young children.

“This is Miyavi,” Sugizo eventually said looking guilty for even being in the restaurant, which was ridiculous. Except maybe not, with the strict rules to seeing his daughter forced upon him, perhaps seeing her now really was against the rules.

“Hi Miyavi,” the woman said carefully, glancing at the three girls and then back at Sugizo as if weighing up the situation. She must have recognised the name as she didn't seem surprised that Luna had recognised his daughters but she didn't seem entirely impressed either. Why should she be impressed that her former drug addict partner had a tattoo covered friend. Miyavi had never felt so insignificant and he felt ridiculous as he greeted the woman, like a child being judged by a teacher and not coming up to the right standards.

“Luna seems to like your children,” the woman commented thoughtfully and then shocking both men she added. “If you like, why don't you let her eat with you?”

“You mean...” Sugizo stammered.

“I have Koyomi, and I'll only be over there.” She explained. “It'd be a shame to separate Luna from her friends.”

“My best friends!” Luna corrected. “Please Daddy, can I stay with you?”

“Of course,” Sugizo replied glancing over at Miyavi who nodded his consent. This was an important moment and he wouldn't break it, for the first time Sugizo was going to be able to spend time with his daughter without his mother present. Sure he was being watched, and far from alone but he was still in charge of looking after his child and only the most heartless would take this away from him. Even if there had been no significance to this, Miyavi wouldn't have minded another child joining them. If anything it kept his children happy giving him more time to talk to Sugizo.

 

Much later that night, when the girls had gone to sleep and Miyavi and Sugizo had left for a walk, leaving Miyavi's mother at home just in case one of the girls woke up they finally got a chance to really talk.

“This has to be the best day I've had in years,” Sugizo commented as he sat on the park bench beside Miyavi, staring up at the few stars that were still visible despite the light pollution of the city.

“I think you really impressed her today,” Miyavi replied. “You're a natural father and I hope she can see that.”

“I'm only good with children because I'm a child myself.” Sugizo replied but Miyavi knew it was more than this.

“No, you have a gift.” Miyavi replied earnestly.

“Yeah, he's called Miyavi,” Sugizo replied making his partner smile.

“Seriously though, how is this going to work?” Miyavi asked. “I'm always working, or with my children.”

“We'll find moments like this,” Sugizo replied confidently.

“This weekend I'm going to look around some of those houses you found,” Miyavi announced. “At the very least we won't have to sit in dark parks to talk. But moving out will take so much time and what if it upsets the girls? They love their Grandma so much.”

“They'll see her daily,” Sugizo replied. “And it's natural for them to live with you. I wouldn't worry, those girls are resistant.”

“Jewlie has nightmares and Lovelie comes to me crying for no reason sometimes,” Miyavi replied. “They're not even close to dealing with the death of their mother, can I shake up their life again?”

“Do you really want to move?” Sugizo asked.

“I'm afraid,” Miyavi admitted. “Of having to carry on alone. I want my freedom but at the same time I'm not sure how I will cope. I miss her, and no matter how many times people say it's not my fault, I wished her out of my life.”

“It wasn't your fault,” Sugizo replied firmly. “But you're not going to listen to me are you?”

“Not on this one.” Miyavi admitted.

“Then let's forget what you want,” Sugizo replied. “What would Melody want?”

“What would Melody want?” Miyavi repeated. “She'd want her children to grow up to be strong and healthy but most importantly happy. She had big dreams for the girls.”

“And for you?” Sugizo asked. “What did she want for you?”

“She...” Miyavi began realising that he did know this answer, though he had never though about it. “She wanted to know what was missing in my life. Good job, loving wife, two beautiful children and I wasn't happy and she could see it. Sometimes she'd ask if I'd be happy with another woman and I could always say no with such honesty that she dropped that theory straight away. What Melody wanted was for me to find what was missing in my life.”

“And that was?” Sugizo asked.

“The love of a man. Maybe it was always you.” Miyavi admitted. “But Melody wouldn't be happy if I had left her.”

“No, but she left you, in the end. She had her chance for the perfect life and to me it sounds like she was happy but she's gone now. It's your turn. So if she wanted you to find your missing happiness, if she wanted you to be with me, then where's the problem?” Sugizo asked. “Is this what you want?”

“It's getting there,” Miyavi admitted. “I don't have you completely.”

“What do you mean?” Sugizo asked, finally his turn to be confused.

“Well it's early days. I won't scare you away.” Miyavi admitted. “For now I want my freedom, to regain my life without the protection of my Mother. I want to build a home, but this time I'm doing it my way. No false marriages, no pretence, forgive my selfishness but it's time I thought about myself.”

“You say that but the idea of a selfish Miyavi makes me laugh,” Sugizo admitted. “Because even as we're sat here talking about your freedom, your mind is wondering how your children are.”

“Well I wouldn't be a father if they didn't come first.” Miyavi argued and as he glanced over at Sugizo, he could see the other was thinking exactly the same thing.

“You can have some of my selfishness,” Sugizo decided. “Perhaps then we'll both balance out.”

“Maybe,” Miyavi agreed shivering slightly. “It's getting cold, shall we head back?”

“Just let me do something first,” Sugizo requested, glancing around the park before he quickly gave Miyavi a kiss. “There, now we're done.”

“Or just beginning.” Miyavi replied as he got up off the bench and began to head home with Sugizo by his side, his jealousy of Sugizo's ex all but forgotten. Sugizo wanted him, as crazy as that was, Miyavi was going to accept things as they were. From now on he was going to become selfish and work on his dream, a happy home with his children and his lover Sugizo sharing his bed. It might be an impossible, Sugizo certainly didn't want to admit he was with a man to the world, but what was the point of having a dream that was easy to obtain?

 


	13. Chapter 13

They said a man only cared about one thing, sex, and for Sugizo lately that was hundred percent true. He longed to ravish Miyavi in every waking moment and whilst they'd managed to have sex several times in the last few weeks, usually rushed on lunch breaks, it wasn't enough. Their intimate relations were just a quick release of the pressure growing within him and he needed more. Miyavi was no different, he caught the other undressing him with his eyes more than a few times, which made keeping his distance all the more difficult. This was why he couldn't wait for the weekend when he'd be spending the entire time with just Miyavi, finally allowed to be alone together without a time limit or prying eyes.

It had been his idea, Luna was going away with her mother, his parents had decided to use that chance for a holiday of their own which meant his family home would be empty. There wasn't a chance his Mother would trust him to be their alone but his father had given him the key and the code for the burglar alarm in a act of trust that had touched Sugizo. It'd been a long time since he had felt like his Father was proud of him but lately that feeling had returned and he wasn't going to betray that reinstated trust.

For Miyavi the plans had been a little harder to form but as always his Mother was more than willing to take care of his children giving Miyavi the time off he deserved. He'd spent the last few weeks working hard in the café and had even bought a house though he had to wait until the current owners moved out for it to be officially his. That would be next week and then Miyavi would have to buy furniture and all sorts of things that had been lost in the fire. Sugizo had argued with Miyavi over this one night as the other was far too stubborn to accept his help. He would have willingly sorted out all the decoration at cost but Miyavi was too stubborn to allow that. In the end Sugizo had only managed to get permission too decorate the two children's rooms, having used some underhand tactics to get the kids wanting this, and he planned to go full out with those.

 

Having met Miyavi on the Friday evening and eating a lovely dinner together in a friendly restaurant Sugizo felt more nervous than excited. There were many things he was holding back from Miyavi, mainly bad and whilst this wasn't one of them he really wasn't sure how Miyavi was going to react. He wasn't trying to show off, simply show Miyavi a part of himself that the other hadn't seen before. He worried Miyavi might take it the wrong way.

“It's this one,” Sugizo remarked as he slid the key into the familiar brass gate and unlocked the lock that kept passers by wandering onto the gravel driveway.

“This one?” Miyavi repeated stunned as he stared at the impressive home Sugizo had grown up in. “You're rich?”

“My parents are rich. I've been cut off.” Sugizo explained. “But yes, this is my childhood home.”

“No wonder you have such expensive tastes.” Miyavi commented as he continued to stare.

“Expensive tastes?” Sugizo repeated confused, he thought his choices had been quite humble.

“The food in your cupboards, all your designer clothes, the expensive TV...” Miyavi began to list.

“So I have a few nice things, I'm no longer rich Miyavi.” Sugizo argued.

“I just meant you liked nice things, don't get angry.” Miyavi complained catching Sugizo off guard. Had he been angry? Perhaps he had but it was only the irrational fear that Miyavi wanted him for his money that had made him feel like that. He really was stupid, Miyavi wasn't that kind of person at all.

“I'm not angry,” Sugizo promised. “Not at you. Maybe myself, I had so much then went to nothing.”

“And now you're perfectly in the middle, neither rich or poor which puts you on my level.” Miyavi replied making Sugizo smile, that was one way to put it.

“Let's go in, before a neighbour sees us,” Sugizo warned. “Only my Father gave me permission to be here.”

“Like thieves in the night.” Miyavi replied winking at Sugizo before making a show of sneaking to the door. Laughing Sugizo followed picking the lock to the front door with the key that fit the lock perfectly and disarming the burglar alarm with the security code.

“Do you want a tour?” Sugizo asked after they had taken off their shoes.

“Can it start and end in the bedroom?” Miyavi asked cheekily, though underneath that confidence it was clear he wasn't sure how Sugizo would react. They hardly talked about the sexual side of their relationship and neither was entirely sure how far they could push it.

“If you like,” Sugizo agreed. “My rooms are this way.”

“Rooms?” Miyavi repeated but Sugizo had already started up the stairs and wasn't answering the question. Not actually caring, Miyavi followed Sugizo admiring the house a little and Sugizo's ass a lot more until they reached a door that Sugizo pushed open revealing a living space with doors leading to a bathroom and bedroom. There were apartments smaller than this but Miyavi said nothing and followed Sugizo into the bedroom, realising that even here there was a door leading to yet another room.

“What's through there?” Miyavi asked.

“Just the dressing room,” Sugizo replied as he sat down on the king sized bed waiting for Miyavi to join him. His lover however was far too distracted as he walked over to a cork board covered with photographs from Sugizo's high school days.

“You seem popular.” Miyavi replied as he looked at the pictures.

“Rich, pretty, smart,” Sugizo said as if ticking of a check list. “And the right kind of personality. I was popular, but maybe not with the right crowd.”

“You were a rebel?” Miyavi asked.

“No, I wasn't bad back then. Just a free spirit somewhere in the middle,” Sugizo explained. “What were you like in high school?”

“I was the kid who meant well but ended up in trouble anyway,” Miyavi explained. “I had a close group of friends and worked hard but I've never been good at just sitting still.”

“I think we would have got on, even back then.” Sugizo replied smiling as he watched Miyavi look through more of his things. This whole room was like a shrine to his old self, the kid who had left for university planning to come back but never had. He had a lot of things that remained here, but they all belonged in his past.

“You can play violin?” Miyavi asked as he read the description on an award Sugizo had won. First place in a local violin competition when he was in middle school. He'd given it up when he had started high school, there was nothing cool about violin, though he had never entirely abandoned the instrument. It had meant to much to his father that he could play and so he continued to practise in private just for those moments when his father wanted to watch him perform.

“It's been awhile, but I doubt I could have forgotten.” Sugizo replied getting off the bed and retrieving his violin from one of the drawers beneath. The instruments case had escaped dust being locked away and he carefully opened it and pulled out the black violin from inside. He had demanded a black one as a kid, wanting to be different, and his parents had happily agreed wanting him to continue down this path. What was a few extra thousand yen when you were this rich?

Bringing the violin into position Sugizo began to play, making a few mistakes at first until it all came back to him. It was his natural gift to play the violin and his Father had been devastated that he had given it up. That had been his first rebellion against his parents and one he was neither proud or ashamed off. There was no point continuing playing if it didn't make him happy, but he hadn't liked upsetting his parents. The music that he played now sent him straight back to his youth, when he had been his parents pride and joy, a time when life was simple and everything came easily to him. He'd been happy then and he realised that he was happy now. He had a loving boyfriend, his Father's trust and was working hard towards being allowed to look after his daughter. Even his relationship with his Mother was improving, she still hated him but she was no longer as cold. Maybe there was hope there too.

As he played Sugizo lost sense of his surroundings and it was as he finished the song and opened his eyes he remembered he had an audience. Lowering the instrument he waited for a response not expecting Miyavi to actually applaud.

“That was amazing.” Miyavi complimented Sugizo, obviously meaning exactly what he said. Blushing slightly Sugizo put his violin away not sure how to respond to that.

“Well it's all about the composer.” He muttered but Miyavi wasn't listening and began to kiss him expressing his joy. Sugizo allowed his hands to wander as they kissed but then Miyavi pulled back and began to explore the room once more.

“I didn't know you were that nosy.” Sugizo teased.

“Your fault for being so secretive.” Miyavi retorted.

“I just don't like talking about the past,” Sugizo explained. “Because it's not who I am any more.”

“Sugihara Yasuhiro,” Miyavi read from one of Sugizo's many violin trophies. “That boy is still you, if he wasn't, you couldn't play the violin so well now.”

“By that logic the drug addict in me is still here as well.” Sugizo warned.

“I won't deny that,” Miyavi replied. “I know you still have cravings, I can see part of you is still addicted but you're strong enough to over come that.”

“Not always, more often than you know my sponsor has had to come to stop me doing something stupid,” Sugizo explained. “I'd be lost without Sakura.”

“You have the sense to call him though,” Miyavi replied. “And you can talk to me you know. I want you to be honest. I won't run from the demons inside you.”

“Perhaps you should,” Sugizo suggested uncomfortable with the idea of sharing his darkest secrets with the one man he was so desperate to impress.

“It'll take more than demons to scare me away.” Miyavi replied finally approaching the bed to settle down beside Sugizo.

“Then you're very brave.” Sugizo praised him.

“Anything for my Yasu.” Miyavi replied testing the name as if to see if he liked it.

“Oh it's Yasu now?” Sugizo teased. “I think Sugi is better.”

“Yasu feels like a stranger,” Miyavi agreed. “And tonight I want to belong to you.”

“You already do.” Sugizo agreed and then they were kissing without rush or fear of getting caught and without any inhibitions because now both men finally felt like they were beginning to truly get to know each other. Many secrets existed between them, but time would reveal them all.

 


	14. Chapter 14

Despite having grown somewhat used to the sensation, Miyavi realised that it never ceased to feel any less amazing. Every time Sugizo was inside him it felt like the rest of the world had disappeared leaving just the two of them and intense pleasure that filled every part of him and remained even after Sugizo was gone. He never grew tired of being with Sugizo, had never felt like he was just going along with this to please the other and was never made to feel used. It was frightening how much he adored his lover, but he felt that perhaps he had the upper hand in this relationship because as much as he needed Sugizo, the other needed him even more.

A light moan escaped Miyavi's lips as Sugizo hit his sweet spot and he reached up dragging Sugizo down into a hug, wrapping his legs around the other as he did so. They'd been in bed together for god knew how long and this was the fourth time Sugizo had been inside him. They were tiring now, their lust finally subsiding but somehow that made this time the best.

“You're so beautiful,” Sugizo whispered as he kept his pace, despite how exhausted the other clearly was. “Like an angel.”

“As beautiful as you?” Miyavi asked staring at his others face, hardly believing that this guy could be his.

“Almost,” came the answer Miyavi had expected. Sugizo had warned him he was narcissistic but Miyavi hadn't realised at the time how much Sugizo meant it. The other looked in the mirror and loved what he saw. If he really thought he was the most beautiful man on earth Miyavi wasn't sure, but the other really was in love with himself.

Now really wasn't the time to talk, not when their stamina was running out and so Miyavi stopped thinking. He felt the other inside him, unaware of the sounds that were escaping his lips making the other smile. When Sugizo came Miyavi allowed himself to cum too, loving the fact they had finished together and hardly aware that Sugizo was gone, lying on the bed beside him with the same distance he had kept on that first time.

Not wanting to ruin everything by complaining, Miyavi reached down and took Sugizo hand knowing it was going to be like this forever, unless he did something about it. Sugizo was clearly the type who liked his personal space and Miyavi decided he'd respect that. You couldn't have everything and not hugging after sex was only a small sacrifice.

“Sugi, are you still awake?” Miyavi asked, a few minutes later after rolling over and finding Sugizo lying still with his eyes shut and a smile on his lips.

“Yes,” Came the answer as Sugizo opened his eyes but made no more effort to move.

“Do you see me as your boyfriend?” Miyavi asked. “I mean, is this relationship serious to you?”

“Far more than I wanted,” Sugizo admitted. “I know it was supposed to just be a test but...”

“Don't apologise, I want it to be real,” Miyavi admitted. “My biggest worry is that you don't feel the same way.”

“Then stop worrying, idiot,” Sugizo teased. “Be my boyfriend for real, if it's what you want.”

“Is it what you want?” Miyavi asked.

“Stop being an idiot,” Sugizo muttered sleepily.

“Then it's OK if I tell my Mum?” Miyavi asked, this time getting Sugizo's full attention.

“You want to tell her?” He asked sitting up and staring at Miyavi with surprise.

“I don't want to hide things from her. If I tell her I'm with a man she'll know it's you. Even if I tell her it's not. She might already know, my Mother has this habit off seeing things about me before I even know them myself.” Miyavi explained, thinking about how his mother had smiled knowingly when he said he was going on holiday with Sugizo for the weekend. She knew all right and if he didn't tell her soon she was going to be hurt he was keeping secrets.

“If you think your Mother can keep it secret, then I won't complain.” Sugizo decided, after a long moment when he looked like he would say no. Even now he didn't sound sure but he had given his consent which was enough for Miyavi.

“She'll keep it secret.” Miyavi promised with a smile.

“OK.” Sugizo replied lying back down and this time Miyavi was sure he had fallen asleep.

 

Morning came and Miyavi woke up surprised that he had actually fallen asleep. He'd laid awake for ages just thinking but he must have slept because it was morning now and he was alone in the bed. Not sure where Sugizo was, Miyavi sat up and looked around the room once more taken back by just how rich Sugizo's family was. That had come as a shock and he couldn't help but picture the other in his fancy school uniform surprised at just how sexy he found the image. He'd never been one to have such a fetish but when it came to Sugizo anything made him appear sexy. Speak, or at least think, of the devil and he would appear. Sure enough Sugizo returned, still naked from the night before and holding a bottle of water in his hand.

“Sleep well?” Sugizo asked as he got back into the bed and opened his drink, bringing it to his lips.

“Surprisingly well,” Miyavi admitted. “Considering the distraction.” He added, taking the water out of Sugizo's hand and helping himself.

“And what distraction was that?” Sugizo asked, though he knew the real answer.

“There was this bird...” Miyavi began but Sugizo was kissing him now and his lie remained unfinished.

“Have you ever tried archery?” Sugizo asked. “You'd be sexy with a bow and we have archery equipment here. I used to do a bit of it, sometimes. Not competitive but I liked pretending the target was people who had pissed me off.”

“No, I've never tried. But I'm pro.” Miyavi informed Sugizo who laughed.

“Off course you are, after my lessons,” Sugizo agreed. “We can go after breakfast, if you like?”

“Sounds fun,” Miyavi agreed. “But I need a shower. You made me sleep in a filthy bed all night.”

“I made you?” Sugizo repeated. “Who was it screaming “Harder” every two seconds?”

“That was you,” Miyavi replied, slipping out of the bed and opening the door to what he hoped was the en-suite bathroom.

 

He'd been in the shower maybe two minutes before Sugizo was behind him, holding him close and simply feeling him up. It was nice and Miyavi allowed the other to rub soap all over him and even shampoo his hair. He hadn't been this pampered for a long time and really there was no need for Sugizo to kneel on the floor and begin licking his erection so eagerly. Not that he was complaining, far from it and with a moan Miyavi shut his eyes resisting his urge to force Sugizo to take in his entire length all at once.

Two fingers pushed at his entrance sliding in easily lubed with shower gel and Miyavi moaned louder, loving this more than words could ever explain. He knew this was fuel for Sugizo's ego and found himself not caring at all. In Sugizo's eyes he was worthy to be with him and as much as Sugizo loved himself that stood for a lot. Miyavi couldn't help wonder just how many people Sugizo had dated that he had felt so strongly about. Properly not a lot, the other had admitted he hadn't truly loved many of his past partners. Was he any different? He liked to think so but he couldn't push it. Sugizo was far from ready to confess his full feelings. It had been awkward just figuring out if they were really a couple now.

Sugizo's fingers began to thrust into him and Miyavi found himself clutching onto the shower fitting for balance, as his legs just didn't seem enough to support him. He could hardly stand such intense pleasure and it only took a few minutes before he was warning Sugizo he was about to cum. The other had only just moved his lips away when he did and cum landed over Sugizo's chin washed away quickly by the powerful jet stream of the shower, leaving them both deceptively clean. Miyavi wanted to return the favour but the other wasn't hard and even when he reached towards him Sugizo only stepped away with a smile.

“Today is your day,” Sugizo explained. Before Miyavi could respond, he was grabbing a towel and leaving Miyavi alone in the bathroom in the hot water that didn't seem so nice now Sugizo was gone. Deciding the shower was over Miyavi turned off the stream and grabbed a towel of his own, glad Sugizo had arranged for there too be two and finding pleasure in just how warm and soft it was. Returning to the bedroom Miyavi found the dressing room door was open and Sugizo was inside the large room opening up his suitcase. There were still clothes hanging up here and Miyavi ignored his own suitcase and began looking through the clothes with the same unreserved curiosity he had shown the night before. He found what he was looking for quickly, the other's old school uniform just as fancy as it was shown in the pictures.

“You need too model this for me one day,” Miyavi informed Sugizo who was busy pulling on a pair of jeans.

“Why, is that your fetish?” Sugizo asked not even teasing, just curious.

“Somehow when it's you anything can be my fetish,” Miyavi complained, making Sugizo laugh.

“Well what's your fetish when you're not with me?” Sugizo asked. “If you don't mind sharing?”

His fetish? That made Miyavi think. With Melody he had always wanted her to put on strap on and pleasure him that way but he had never asked and that wasn't really a fetish when what he had already done with Sugizo wasn't much different.

“I guess I just like seeing you in sexy outfits.” Miyavi answered.

“So no toys? Bondage? Cream?” Sugizo asked, all three sounding tempting to Miyavi.

“We could try toys,” Miyavi suggested blushing slightly, he wasn't entirely comfortable admitting how much he loved things inside him, though he knew Sugizo could tell.

“Later we'll go to the shops, I was going to treat you to dinner again anyway. I'll buy a few secret things for later.” Sugizo replied with a cocky grin. He was planning something but Miyavi didn't want to know, it would ruin the surprise.

“I'll buy dinner,” Miyavi corrected and Sugizo didn't argue. “Do you have a fetish?”

“Yes.” Sugizo replied. “That's really why I was asking you. I need your permission to be comfortable acting on mine.”

“Is it bad?” Miyavi asked.

“Depends,” Sugizo replied. “How do you feel about someone touching you without you knowing? I like to make my partners orgasm while they sleep, without waking them. It's like a game really and I've been told it makes people have the most erotic dreams. Some of the things people dream while I play with them are insane. But I need your permission. So don't worry, I haven't done this to you.”

“You have my permission,” Miyavi replied easily. “I trust you.”

“It'll be no more than what I did in the shower.” Sugizo promised. “But you have to tell me what you dreamed about, especially if it's erotic. People have the most interesting secret fantasies.”

“If I have a erotic dream, I'll let you know.” Miyavi promised a little uncomfortable and a little excited about what Sugizo had planned for him. Sugizo was obviously far more sexually confident than he was but he kind of liked that. It somehow made it easier to admit to what he wanted, if only he could decide what that was.

 


	15. Chapter 15

Sugizo hadn't been expecting to feel genuinely scared of Miyavi, who's claims at being pro at archery were so far from the truth it was now laughable he had even said it. He wasn't just missing the target, he was missing with style and so far his best shot had been the only arrow to have actually hit the board at all. Even that had bounced off and now lay on the ground waiting to be collected later.

“Miyavi, I think perhaps we should give up,” Sugizo suggested tactfully, having run out of ideas to improve his partner's aim.

“No, I'll get it this time,” Miyavi declared firing an arrow that made it about four meters in front of him before lodging into the lawn.

“You've said that about every arrow you've fired,” Sugizo scolded. “I don't think this is your thing.”

“But it makes me sexy right?” Miyavi asked, with a cheeky smile.

“Well it was at first, now it's terrifying. You're going to break something eventually.” Sugizo scolded.

“You're just a rubbish teacher,” Miyavi complained, pushing the bow into Sugizo's hands and going to collect the arrows from around the archery range. Sugizo felt bad that this activity had failed so spectacularly but these things happened. At least Miyavi had fun for a bit, before he realised he wasn't picking this up at all.

Sugizo went to help collect the arrows and when they were done he wrapped his arm around Miyavi and gave him a gentle kiss concerned that the other was feeling bad. Today was supposed to be about making Miyavi happy. He was beginning to wonder if there was anything he could do to achieve this goal.

“Shall we go for a walk?” Sugizo suggested.

“OK.” Miyavi agreed quietly, walking beside Sugizo frustrated by his failure. This was far from what Sugizo had wanted for this day but his other activities were for later. What could he and Miyavi talk about that would make the other feel better? Well there was one thing that Miyavi wanted, his secrets, but which one could he share when Miyavi was sulking?

“You know, you're not the first man to have been in my bed,” Sugizo commented, knowing this was a risky strategy and hoping this wouldn't back fire on him.

“Oh?” Miyavi asked, curious and not jealous which was a good start.

“I had my first boyfriend when I was sixteen,” Sugizo explained. “Though it was an innocent love really. It just kind of happened, like us he was my friend and then it became more. He was my first love and one night he was over for a sleepover. Nobody thought anything of two guys sharing a bed, my parents didn't know I was bi at the time. Really we were both so young and the relationship was so tentative I wonder if it would have gone anywhere at all. As it was my Mother walked in on us kissing and was so angry that the guy was too scared to be around me ever again. I don't blame him, she scared me too and on that night I promised her I'd never date a man. I'd never bring shame on the family. I'd always pick a girl as my date. Through it all I never broke that promise, until now. You're special in every way. I just wanted you to know this.”

“That's the first time you've shared anything without being asked.” Miyavi commented.

“Well you were miserable, I needed to cheer you up somehow,” Sugizo explained. “I promised today was about making you happy and I failed horribly.”

“You didn't!” Miyavi exclaimed. “I had fun for a bit, it's not your fault I was so bad. Is this because I called you a bad teacher?”

“No.” Sugizo replied even though it was, just a little.

“Well anyway, I'm going to continue to sulk so you'll tell me more,” Miyavi declared. “I want another story.”

“What about?” Sugizo asked.

“I don't know, something important.” Miyavi declared.

“Let's see...” Sugizo said thoughtfully. “My first male crush was on the rock star hide. Did you see the poster on my wall?”

“Yeah, he's a sexy man,” Miyavi agreed. “You have good taste there.”

“I liked him from when I was young, around eleven but I only realised what my feelings were at about thirteen,” Sugizo replied. “Even then I ignored them because I was brought up to believe these feelings were wrong, even evil.”

“Do you feel that way now?” Miyavi asked.

“If it's wrong, it's one of my most harmless sins,” Sugizo decided. “If it's evil then I shall be a demon, I won't give you up.”

“Because you love me?” Miyavi asked startling Sugizo. Did he love Miyavi? As a friend there was no doubt. That wasn't what Miyavi was asking.

“Maybe, I don't know,” Sugizo admitted. “I know I love and care for you, but in love is a different matter.”

“I love you.” Miyavi admitted making Sugizo feel like the luckiest man on earth. How could he be with Miyavi, when he was so selfish and cruel? He wasn't even sure he loved Miyavi and yet here the other was, confessing to him, meaning exactly what he said. “But if you don't love me yet, that's OK.”

“It's not OK. You deserve to be with someone who loves and adores you.” Sugizo complained.

“You love and adore me,” Miyavi replied confidentially. “And you might not be sure but I am, it's romantic.”

 

The couple left the house around late afternoon, heading for a shopping centre where Sugizo could visit a sex shop and Miyavi could find something to buy his girls who expected a present from him. Their choice of shops couldn't be any more different and they split up as Sugizo really wanted his purchases to be a surprise. He wasn't at all ashamed to be browsing the dildos section but this wasn't really what he wanted. He had his own body to pleasure Miyavi in that way, why use anything artificial? He wanted something he himself couldn't do and his eyes soon fell on the perfect toy. Now that he could use. He picked it up adding some lube, they'd been getting through that quickly, some flavoured condoms and cleaning wipes into his small pile of things to buy. Really he could stay here all day but Miyavi was waiting for him so he went to pay, idly picking up some handcuffs on his way to the till though he wasn't sure if Miyavi would allow him to use them.

The shop girl was young and not as tactful as she should be, clearly having some dirty thoughts about what Sugizo was planning to get up to. He deliberately played along, asking questions until she was blushing bright red. He could be so cruel but if you weren't comfortable talking about sex, you shouldn't be working here.

Leaving the shop he saw Miyavi waiting about fifty meters away and he headed over carrying the plain black bag as if it contained nothing out of the ordinary at all. He could tell Miyavi was curious but he didn't ask and Sugizo wouldn't show, not yet.

“Did you get something?” Sugizo asked and Miyavi nodded pulling out a stuffed unicorn and a tiger from the bag he was now carrying. “Cute.”

“Problem is, even so young they both know exactly how to get what they want out of me.” Miyavi complained.

“Oh?” Sugizo asked. “Perhaps I should ask them for lessons.”

“Like you need them,” Miyavi complained. “You're as bad as they are.”

“Then where's my toy?” Sugizo asked. “I feel like everyone is getting one but me.”

“You're too old for toys.” Miyavi teased his eyes falling once again on the bag.

“Don't be silly,” Sugizo argued. “You're never too old.”

“Yeah, I'm never too old, but you are.” Miyavi declared.

“Respect your elders!” Sugizo complained, realising Miyavi wasn't listening, his eyes were glued to a shop window.

“I'll buy you that.” Miyavi declared though Sugizo wasn't sure entirely what Miyavi was planning. He followed warily, surprised when a leather jacket was offered to him. He studied it realising that it was exactly the kind of coat he would have bought himself, stylish and elegant and fitted like a woman’s jacket would be but still managing to remain it's masculinity. He tried it on staring at the mirror, admiring himself and catching Miyavi's gaze in the mirror smiling. This coat was perfect and expensive.

“Meev, I can't let you buy this.” Sugizo complained.

“Well it's not like you can stop me.” Miyavi declared, grabbing a second coat of the same size and heading towards the register. With a sigh Sugizo returned the original coat to the shelf and accepted the gift with a smile.

“Really, what have I done to deserve this?” Sugizo complained though he felt more than pleased by this surprise gift.

“You know why. But more than that I owe you so much, you're always treating me and buying me things. It's about time I paid something back.” Miyavi explained.

“Well, don't even think about paying for dinner.” Sugizo warned, clutching his two shopping bags tightly. One contained a gift that he would cherish always, the other contained the means to truly thank Miyavi for the present. It was a shame he couldn't thank Miyavi here, he couldn't even kiss him. Whilst he knew those were his restrictions and not his lover's, he was frustrated that they were even there. Life wasn't fair but sometimes it could be kind, he had Miyavi in his life which was more than he believed he deserved.

 


	16. Chapter 16

Miyavi stretched in the heated pool with a happy grin on his face. This wasn't quite the same as the natural hot springs he had visited a few times as a child but it was just as good. The water was warm and the smell of flowers from the surrounding plants made for a pleasant aroma. It was convenient too, as the house was only the shortest walk away should they need anything. Despite all this, the artificial hot spring was only so amazing due to the company. It was easier to truly appreciate Sugizo, now his sexual attraction had died down to more manageable levels. Sure he wanted Sugizo and sitting here naked together was tempting but he certainly didn't need to jump his bones the second they were alone, like he had felt for so long.

“I really don't need a book when you're here,” Sugizo commented as he sat behind Miyavi with a amused grin on his face. He'd insisted he read every one of Miyavi's tattoo's and had questioned the meaning of every one. With the stories involved behind some of them it had taken a good hour for Sugizo to finally finish, ending with the Buddhist mantra on Miyavi's back.

“My tattoos are no different to your scars, only yours tell a much darker story.” Miyavi commented, knowing this was a touchy subject but so wishing Sugizo would just open up. All he got was snippets about his lovers past. Even now they were so close Sugizo wouldn't share more.

“You choose yours,” Sugizo began with a sigh, in a way he has chose his too. “Anyway, shall we go in. If I remember right I bought you something.”

“Sure,” Miyavi agreed getting up and accepting the towel Sugizo offered him, the night air was growing cold now so he was grateful for the warmth. He longed to truly talk to Sugizo but not wanting to upset the other made him go along with the others obvious distraction technique. Now wasn't the time to make Sugizo admit to past crimes. Perhaps there would never be such a time, but Miyavi would he there for him if the other ever wanted to talk.

 

Inside was warmer but Miyavi didn't feel any more comfortable. He still felt like they were breaking into someone's home to have fun. The house was so unlike Sugizo that Miyavi couldn't imagine a time he had belonged here, though he had once. At least in Sugizo's rooms things felt more familiar, though now he couldn't help but glare at the poster of hide.

“What's the matter?” Sugizo asked, somewhere between amused and concerned.

“Is he your usual type?” Miyavi asked.

“I'm bi, I don't have a type.” Sugizo reminded Miyavi.

“I'm nothing like him.” Miyavi commented.

“Sure you are, you're both able to freely express yourselves, your hobbies, your personality, things that you enjoy, nobody can control what you do or what you like. I only learned to do this as an adult, I'm still learning, but that, other than the pretty face, was what attracts me to hide. It's part of what attracts me to you.” Sugizo tried to explain.

“You're saying hide and I are alike?” Miyavi asked, staring at the poster unable to see it. hide was nothing like him but for whatever reason Sugizo saw something there that he didn't.

“No, you're better,” Sugizo promised. “Now don't you want your presents?”

“I don't even know, depends what you bought,” Miyavi replied, though he followed Sugizo's ordered and sat in the middle of the bed, back propped up against the pillows. Sugizo had changed the bedding now so it was clean and soft. Miyavi was soon comfy and fully exposed as the towel that had covered him now lay discarded on the bedroom floor.

“I'll start with the essentials,” Sugizo decided, handing Miyavi two tubs of lube, one regular and one cherry flavoured. “Scary?”

“Terrifying.” Miyavi agreed, placing them beside him as he eyed up the box that had been put in his hand, flavoured condoms in a variety of flavours.

“I thought these would make sucking your dick more entertaining, unless you decided you want to try mine?” Sugizo asked. There was hope in his voice, as Miyavi had never once taken him in his mouth. The young man stared down at the box a moment, while he made up his mind.

“If you get me to cum first, then this can be your prize,” Miyavi teased and Sugizo smiled silently accepting the challenge. His hand reached into the bag once more and before Miyavi could even register what he was holding, he heard a click and felt cold metal around his wrist. He'd been handcuffed and startled he started at Sugizo not sure if he liked this.

“How much do you trust me?” Sugizo asked, making no attempt to connect the other end to anything until he got Miyavi's answer. Still surprised Miyavi remained quiet but that seemed to answer Sugizo's question as he felt his wrist being pulled up and the other end click around the bedpost.

“I'll keep the key close,” Sugizo promised, placing the key on the bedside table where Miyavi could reach if he really wanted to, but was just far enough away to need some effort.

“What's the point?” Miyavi asked confused to why Sugizo had done this.

“Nothing like someone chained up and begging beneath you,” Sugizo explained. “But I can see your not ready for that, or don't want to, so we'll go with this. You have your freedom and I have my visuals. Is that OK?”

“Sure,” Miyavi agreed, relieved that Sugizo didn't seem to mind he didn't want to be tied up for real. It was fine if it was just pretend but to really give everything to the other like that? He didn't have that kind of trust and as bad as that was, he realised that Sugizo didn't truly trust him either. Why else was he keeping secrets? It wasn't a problem in the relationship, not yet, they were still too new a couple to demand such trust from each other, but it was something to consider in the future. Would there be a day when he trusted Sugizo that completely? Possibly, but it would require Sugizo opening up first.

“Don't worry,” Sugizo gently scolded, crawling onto the bed and simply kissing Miyavi for awhile as the other relaxed. After some time had passed he began to prepare Miyavi, their kisses growing more demanding, moving from sweet to passionate and approaching pure desperation as Sugizo pleasured Miyavi with three fingers. At this point Sugizo broke the kiss and pulled the final item out of the shopping bag, allowing Miyavi to see his real present.

It wasn't big or stupidly long but Miyavi grinned like a idiot as he realised what he was looking at, anal beads featured quite a bit in the gay porn he liked to watch but he had never considered trying them himself.

“You'll love this,” Sugizo promised as he moved down the bed a little and pressed the first bead against Miyavi's eager body. The young man could feel it slid in easily, really it was slightly thinner than Sugizo's own girth which Miyavi could now take easily. “How does it feel?”

“Good,” Miyavi whispered, laying back and spreading his legs further as he felt the second bead slid into him. He was eager and horny and he knew Sugizo knew it. Even so, it didn't even cross his mind to be embarrassed.

“Tell me what you want baby,” Sugizo half demanded and half begged, seeming to have come just a little bit sadistic now he was growing comfortable around Miyavi. It was actually a pleasant twist from the originally over cautious lover and Miyavi found himself admitting his demands.

“I want them to fill me,” Miyavi whispered. “While you suck my length like a whore.”

“Then beg for it,” Sugizo ordered actually pulling a bead out, making Miyavi groan in disappointment.

“No, more,” Miyavi begged relieved when the toy entered him again.

“How does it feel?” Sugizo asked.

“Good,” Miyavi admitted, then scared to lose the bead again he added. “I adore being filled this way.”

“I bet you do,” Sugizo replied, giving Miyavi not one but two beads for his confession. He took some sympathy now and moved his mouth over Miyavi's length. Licking eagerly as he twisted the toy a little, making the beads shift inside Miyavi. He didn't demand any more verbal confirmation, as he filled Miyavi one bead at a time, knowing he had got the others special spot when Miyavi began to moan softly. Wrapping his mouth around Miyavi's length he began to suck eagerly. Knowing how to please Miyavi this way was almost second nature now. All the time the toy was teased inside Miyavi, sometimes allowing a bead or two to fall out, only to push them in again. His own cock demanded pleasure but he ignored it in favour of keeping Miyavi entertained.

“Sugi,” Miyavi gasped clutching the bed with one hand and pulling on the handcuffs with the other. He couldn't believe how good this had felt and he needed to cum. He threw his head back into the pillows and felt his self-control stolen by the pleasure. He was spinning out of control and as the toy was suddenly pulled entirely out of his ass he let himself cum. With a soft moan he opened his eyes and realised Sugizo hadn't even been sucking him when his orgasm had hit. He was almost ashamed of himself for being too into it.

“You're a delight to watch,” Sugizo purred.

“It just feels so good,” Miyavi complained.

“It was supposed too,” Sugizo replied, laughing. “But now it's time to try something else new.”  
“I did agree,” Miyavi replied, picking up a chocolate flavoured condom and ripping it open with his teeth. If anything this was more nerve wrecking than letting Sugizo play with his ass but the other had sucked him off so many times and never complained. It was time he returned that favour.

Once Sugizo's length was in his mouth he found it wasn't too hard to please him. The condom was surprisingly delicious and Miyavi shut his eyes and eagerly sucked and licked at it, knowing he was pleasing Sugizo at the same time and trying to focus on where he could suck to make Sugizo enjoy this even more. It'd been a great idea buying these, as not only did it make him keen and eager, it also meant he had no fear of actually tasting the other's cum. Though even that Sugizo had admitted he was starting to like the taste of. In some ways Sugizo was more gay than he was, despite the fact it was almost always Miyavi who spread his legs for the other man.

Sugizo had some staying power and the condom was loosing it's flavour pretty badly when his lover finally came, falling back against the bed with a smug smile on his lips. For once just this kind of foreplay was enough for both men and Miyavi released his now aching wrist and decided that if tonight was going to be more about pleasure than passionate love making, then he was going to silently demand the one thing he now craved from Sugizo more than anything else. Except off course the secrets of Sugizo's past.

Gently curling up against Sugizo and laying his head against the others chest Miyavi felt a little like a scared child. What if Sugizo rejected this? Pushed him away? Thankfully Sugizo moved an arm over Miyavi's shoulders holding him agreeably and without complaint. It wasn't what Sugizo liked but it was what Miyavi wanted and he felt it was his right to claim this, if only once in awhile.

“I'm going to play with you again. Tonight,” Sugizo warned. “That's still OK with you?”

“At a price,” Miyavi replied feeling rather devilish right now. “I want to know something about your past, the past you won't tell me.”

“Meev...” Sugizo warned.

“How about how you met your sponsor?” Miyavi asked. “That can't be too bad right?”  
“No, I can share that,” Sugizo agreed, stroking Miyavi's hair softly. “We met at a meeting for addicts, like alcoholics anonymous. It was a government funded program, my parents refusing to pay for rehab again, but I suppose that just shows how serious I was. I was still a spoilt brat back then. To go to something free like that, well to be honest part of me felt it was beneath me. Anyway Sakura had been going for around a year at this point and he recognised me when I came in, from that little video you found.”

“The porn?” Miyavi asked, glad Sugizo couldn't see his face. He'd told Sugizo he'd binned it and whilst that was true, he also had the URL saved in his computer, not sure if the other would mind him watching or not.

“That's the one,” Sugizo agreed. “I suppose that made him curious about me but truth be told I hated him at first. He was so preachy, always trying to tell me how I should quit and, yes I'll admit this, beneath what I arrogantly believed was my social station. A joke really because I was broke at the time, whilst he had a paying job and his own home. For whatever reason, why he liked me then I'll never know, he decided he was my sponsor without my agreement and he was really over the top about doing it right. I got good at avoiding him but when the time came, when I really needed to shoot up again, I ended up calling him and he was there twenty minutes later just as annoying as ever. Only after that I started to listen to him. As annoying as he is, he's also usually right. I hate that about him, but then we wouldn't be together without him. He told me I should find a man, to avoid my self denial tendencies I allegedly have, and fall in love to have another reason not to give into drugs.”

“And did that help?” Miyavi asked.

“Yes and no. When I'm with you everything is so wonderful that I don't need heroin,” Sugizo explained. “When you're not I crave it, so I can return to this happiness but I stay strong. If I give in I'd lose you, lose Luna, so I just wait until I can be with either of you again. Maybe you're my drug now?”

“I'm a good drug, I don't let you hurt yourself or others,” Miyavi reassured Sugizo pulling away so he could study Sugizo's face. He was smiling now, content and relaxed. Miyavi realised more than sex, more than any other special moment they'd spent together, this was the closest they had ever been. Sugizo had finally confided in him and whilst it was worrying that Sugizo craved heroin without him around, it was also nice to know the other trusted him with that knowledge. Settling back down Miyavi let Sugizo hold him quietly, wondering if Sugizo really would make him have erotic dreams that night.

 


	17. Chapter 17

Sugizo didn't bother waiting for Miyavi to fall asleep to carry out his plan, as there was no point in doing so. His insomnia always woke him up a few times every night. He allowed sleep to take him, ignoring his desire to play until he woke up in the very early hours of the morning. Miyavi was dead to the world which was perfect and with a grin he quietly reached for the cherry flavoured lube, lying still as he listened to Miyavi's breathing. It hadn't changed and slowly he sat up pleased that Miyavi wasn't a light sleeper. That made this easier and he carefully coated his hand with the lube before gently running his clean fingers over Miyavi's thigh. No reaction which was good for now, as he didn't want the other to wake up. Slowly he let his dry hand move over Miyavi's body until he was gently stroking the others sleeping penis. He took his time, slowly getting the other hard, hearing the others breathing quicken just slightly and a pleased murmur escape Miyavi's lips. He was still fast asleep and Sugizo took this as a sign that it was all right to continue. Switching to his lube coated fingers he began to run them over Miyavi's growing erection and balls, massaging them gently not wanting to wake the other up. He could here Miyavi murmuring in his sleep now, so he didn't go faster just allowing Miyavi's unconscious brain to decide that this wasn't worth waking up for. Sure enough Miyavi's breathing slowed, despite the hard erection being stroked by Sugizo's long fingers. It was a natural reaction, the human brain was designed to wake up at day break or if there was danger, not because something was making you feel good.

Sugizo continued like this, slowly shifting his weight until he could move onto all fours without sudden moments. Then, with no fear of being judged as nobody was here to see, he bent over and took Miyavi's length into his mouth, enjoying the taste of the cherry lubricant. He'd worried it would taste bad but it was sweet without being sickly and tasted just like it was supposed to. He could understand now why Miyavi had been so eager to lick at that chocolate condom, flavouring really made a difference. Sugizo found himself going at Miyavi's length with more enthusiasm than he ever thought he could have had for basically sucking off another man.

He could taste pre-cum beneath the cherry now, a taste he was growing to like, and he continued sucking, bemused by just how easy it was to make the other cum when he wasn't holding anything back. It was unfair to judge stamina when a man slept, especially as the other had already proven he could last the distance when awake, so Sugizo didn't feel critical of Miyavi's performance when he felt his mouth fill with the others ejaculation. He pulled away, considering spitting but then, on a whim, swallowing the load. He wasn't even sure if he could catch something this way but he'd take the risk. As far as he knew Miyavi had only actually slept with Melody in the last few years before himself, so the other was probably clean.

'I should get tested' Sugizo concluded as he thought over his own sexual history. He'd slept without protection many a time when drunk or on drugs, if anything during that time the safest he had been was when shooting that porn film and he felt guilty for putting Miyavi at risk. Even while recovering from heroin he'd had quite a few one night stands, never one to not allow himself to have sex. He'd actually had two minor std's already and whilst he had been cured of both, he now remembered his guilt for having passed both onto Luna's mother. Both times she had realised he'd been cheating on her, the second had been what finally ended their already shattered relationship.

Sliding out of the bed he grabbed his phone and went into the hall to make a much needed phone call. His guilt and the fear of loosing Miyavi over his past was making him need to shoot up bad and now he was here he remembered where he had hidden some weed. He'd destroyed all his drugs but he'd forgotten how he had smoked a little as a teenager. If he wasn't careful he'd relapse into that or go downstairs to raid his parents' liquor cabinet. He needed to avoid all addictive substance, only allowing himself caffeine because he couldn't quite see that being a life destroyer.

“Where are you?” Sakura asked as he answered the phone. He'd obviously been woken up but he didn't sound angry, perhaps a little surprised as it had been awhile since Sugizo had felt the need to call him about this.

“I'm fine, just need to talk,” Sugizo explained.

“Are you alone?” Sakura demanded, the number one rule being never be alone, or with people who might tempt you, when you felt these kind of cravings

“Miyavi's here, but he's asleep,” Sugizo explained, sitting down on a chair at the top of the landing. “I just feel so tempted.”

“Why? Did you argue?” Sakura asked.

“No. Everything is good, but I'll mess that up for sure.” Sugizo complained.

“Of course you will, if you take drugs,” Sakura scolded. “That's what you want isn't it? You want to deny yourself this happiness.”

“I don't...” Sugizo began before realising maybe it was. “Perhaps it's better to ruin it now? Before I mess things up later. He wants my secrets, you know.”

“If you fear that will ruin things, maybe he should know now? Then you can either find your fears confirmed or he accepts you and your fears will be gone for good.” Sakura suggested.

“I can't lose him,” Sugizo complained. “I don't know. I can't think. I need it so bad.”

“You don't need,” Sakura scolded but Sugizo's didn't hear. Miyavi had stepped into the hall just as he confessed he wanted to shoot up. He froze not sure what to say to either man but Miyavi took the lead walking over and taking the phone out of his hand looking pissed off before he read who Sugizo had been calling.

“Sakura, I'll handle this.” Miyavi told the other, hanging up the phone and handing it back to Sugizo who felt very much like a kid who's just accidentally thrown a ball through a window and had gotten caught by his favourite teacher.

“Meev...” Sugizo tried to explain unable to find the right words. What could he say to the other who's only really mistake in life was getting a teenage girl pregnant. Even then he had been there for her, had done the right thing.

“It's OK.” Miyavi reassured Sugizo, wrapping an arm around the other's shoulders and simply holding him.

“No it's not, I saw how mad you were.” Sugizo informed Miyavi as he began to shake. He'd done it now, he's pushed this relationship to breaking point and it'd been so easy. Miyavi had seen just a shard of the truth and even that had made him angry.

“I thought you were calling a dealer, as soon as I realised it was Sakura the anger was gone.” Miyavi promised.

“This is who I am,” Sugizo warned. “A man permanently pulled by his addictions.”

“I can handle it,” Miyavi reassured him. “You're so cold, come back to bed?”

“You're not scared?” Sugizo asked.

“No,” Miyavi replied, then he sighed. “Perhaps a little hurt you didn't just wake me instead of Sakura but he does know more about this stuff than I do.”

“I didn't think you'd want to see me like this,” Sugizo admitted allowing himself to be taken back to the bedroom and wrapped in a blanket as he shivered. He was cold but he was also scared and his body was rejecting this prolonged sobriety, which wasn't helping anything.

“I like cats,” Miyavi replied randomly as he slid onto the bed, giving the still open lube on the bedside table a surprised look, before he turned his focus back on Sugizo. “I think they're cute, especially when they're kittens.”

“Kittens are cute,” Sugizo agreed allowing Miyavi to hold him and just talk nonsense at him until he began to feel calmer. He was embarrassed by how strongly he had reacted but that was how he got sometimes, especially when he felt life was giving him more than he deserved.

“Can you do something for me?” Sugizo asked.

“Sure. What?” Miyavi asked.

“In the closest, right at the back, there's a loose floorboard. I remembered tonight there was some weed there.” Sugizo explained and without needing to know any more Miyavi was up and pulling up the floorboard. Sugizo made no attempt to follow him, as the other got rid of the one drug he had forgotten to destroy himself. When Miyavi returned he didn't come back to bed, simply entering the closest again and returning with something else Sugizo had forgotten he'd hid back there.

“Now it's white men?” Miyavi asked as he got back into bed, holding the porn magazine that Sugizo had totally forgotten he ever had.

“I bought it on holiday in America, one time.” Sugizo explained. “That's why the men are white. I like Japanese boys, not that it matters. Hot is hot and I'd never judge by colour, I'm mixed race myself.”

“You too?” Miyavi asked surprised. He'd never feared Sugizo was racist but he hadn't felt the need to share this part of himself either.

“My dad is half Chinese, my mother half German,” Sugizo explained. “So I'm the human equivalent of a mongrel. I like to think that means I'm healthier, stronger and will live longer. That's how it works with dogs anyway, the more diverse their DNA the stronger, and often smarter, they tend to be.”

“I think some people would take offence at you, using that term to describe a person.” Miyavi warned.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. I see it as a good thing, I forgot others don't.” Sugizo admitted, blushing at his accidental racism.

“A kid at school, my former best friend, called me a mongrel when he found out my dad was Zainichi Korean.” Miyavi admitted clearly still troubled by this memory.

“He was never truly your friend.” Sugizo commented angry that a kid could be so cruel despite having experienced such racism himself. Still his parents had come from foreign blood, it didn't make the racism right, just more understandable. Zainichi Korean's were usually legally Japanese having been born in Japan, many were like Miyavi who was half Japanese though Sugizo sensed that Miyavi saw himself as entirely Japanese and would take offence at being considered other wise.

“He turned the school against me, most people anyway,” Miyavi admitted. “So I try to keep my Father's side of the family quiet, especially as he deserted us. I was raised by my Mother and Grandparents who were all typically Japanese.”

“People can be incredibly racist,” Sugizo agreed. “But not everyone. I'm not and neither are you.”

“Sometimes I blame all Koreans for my Fathers failings, but I don't really mean to think like that.” Miyavi admitted looking ashamed to even be confessing this. “I couldn't really hate somebody just because they were born in one country or another.”

“We all have dark thoughts.” Sugizo replied. “I think more than anything it's the fact you know they're bad that's important. Like when someone makes you so mad you want to break their neck. You'd never do it as you know it's wrong. You don't even really want to hurt them, you're just angry.”

“Or resentful,” Miyavi added. “That's a dangerous emotion too.”

“Anger and desire are my worst sins, even lust has caused some problems.” Sugizo admitted.

“Well lust is a welcome sin in this bed.” Miyavi announced as he opened the magazine and began looking through the pictures. Well if it would distract him from his cravings why not? Sugizo decided as he took in the sight of a naked, muscled man being embraced from behind by another equally adorable partner and wondering if one day perhaps Miyavi would let himself be taken in such a pose. With Sugizo being the one to hold him off course.

 


	18. Chapter 18

Sugizo woke up to the sound of his phone ringing somewhere in the room. He groaned and wished the caller would stop being so insistent, didn't he know it was half past ten? Startled by the lateness of the morning, Sugizo left a sleepy Miyavi as he located the device. As expected it was Sakura calling.

“Hey,” Sugizo muttered sleepily as he returned to the bed and got back in, still more than half asleep.

“You all right man? You don't sound too good,” Sakura worried, his words were carefully chosen leaving him plenty of follow ups depending on Sugizo's reply. He was checking he hadn't given in, Sugizo knew that, but he chose to ignore this fact and act like it was just a normal conversation.

“Sleepy, you woke me up.” He complained.

“Woke you up? You're always up at like seven,” Sakura commented. “So which is it, getting laid or drugs?”

“The first,” Sugizo replied realising as he said it Miyavi could hear Sakura and knew what he had just said. “Well after we talked.”

“Sure. Talked.” Sakura teased having it in his head that Sugizo was some kind of man whore. He had been once, but he wasn't any more, still as a former porn star how was he supposed to argue against Sakura's evaluation?

“Miyavi kept me clean. You can hang up now,” Sugizo informed Sakura.

“What now? I'm having fun,” Sakura complained but Sugizo had hung up, unable to have this conversation while Miyavi was in earshot. It was one thing having the manly bragging session when your partner wasn’t around but when they were, it was just awkward.

“Sorry.” Sugizo apologised, looking at Miyavi nervously but his partner just looked sleepy.

“mmm what for?” Miyavi muttered. “I don't care if your friend knows we slept together.”

“He wants every dirty detail though,” Sugizo sighed. “And you're one of the few where I don't feel it's any off his business to know.”

“Because we're both guys?” Miyavi asked.

“Maybe, but more because your not a conquest,” Sugizo explained only realising this as he said it out loud. “I'm the type of guy who will have one night stands, then go and tell my friends the everything but I won't do that to you.”

“You can share some stuff.” Miyavi offered slowly sitting up and yawning. They really hadn't had much rest the night before but now he was awake he knew he wasn't going to get back to sleep. “Like how I give amazing blow jobs that blow your mind.”

“Cocky much?” Sugizo teased, deciding that while they were having this conversation he might as well find the boundaries. “Seriously though, am I allowed to tell him things like the fact I usually top? Where's the limits to what I can tell him because he'll want to know everything.”

“Does he get his own kicks from our relationship?” Miyavi asked. “Does he have a crush on you? You said he wanted to be your sponsor after seeing that porn film.”

“He's not gay,” Sugizo replied. “Trust me, if he wanted me he had his chance.”

“Still, can you not tell him much?” Miyavi asked looking interested that Sugizo had offered to sleep with Sakura but not wanting to question it. “I'm still getting used to you knowing how much I enjoy having you inside me.” He added, blushing slightly, clearly embarrassed to admit this out loud.

“All he'll hear is that your good in the bedroom and make me happy,” Sugizo promised leaning over and kissing Miyavi gently on the lips. “Now be a good boy and get me some water.”

“Get it yourself, it's your house.” Miyavi scolded, crossing his arms over his chest this time actually a little bit annoyed.

“But I want to be your woman, and aren’t you the kind man who gets his wife a drink in the morning?” Sugizo whined, then seeing this tactic wasn't working sighed and got out of bed to go to the kitchen. “Need anything?”

“Water would be nice.” Miyavi replied reaching for his own phone. Sugizo left him too it and went to fetch two bottles of water, feeling like a bit of a jerk. How many times had he gone bragging to Sakura about his conquests? How many women had he slept with without once considering their feelings? He couldn't even blame the drugs or alcohol, he'd always been like that. Ever since the first girl he'd had in his bed. In all his life there had only been one woman he had actually respected and that had been Luna's mother. Even she had been treated terribly in the end and whilst it was all well and good to be treating Miyavi with respect now, certainly it was a start, it wasn't the same as showing respect to women.

When he returned to the bedroom he slipped back into bed, mentally adding yet another crime to his long list and handing Miyavi one of the bottles. Out of his own free will, he rested his arm around Miyavi holding him gently as they both quenched their thirst, knowing he had a long way to go to be a good boyfriend. So far it had all been fun and games but as their relationship became more serious, he knew he was heading into new territory. He could be a lover and a friend, that was easy but to be Miyavi's boyfriend was going to take some serious work. He just had no clue how to do this right, even without the added complication of being with a man this time and not a woman.

“Anything you would like to do today?” Sugizo asked, refusing to make plans as yesterday's hadn't turned out nearly as well as he hoped.

“I don't really know,” Miyavi replied. “I kind of want to just spend time alone with you while I can but if we do nothing but stay in this room, then I haven't got much to share when people ask what we did.”

“Well perhaps we could do something this morning and then come back here?” Sugizo asked. “I'll even wear my old school uniform for you later, if you like?” There, an invitation for sex but one that could be taken innocently should Miyavi not have being implying that was what he wanted to do.

“Well we don't know when a chance for that will come up again,” Miyavi commented grinning. “I'm going to be so busy over the next few weeks.”

“It'll be easier once you get your own place.” Sugizo promised.

“Maybe,” Miyavi agreed. “Anyway what is there to do around here?”

“Well,” Sugizo began knowing there was one place he wanted to go but not sure if Miyavi would be up for it. Here he was trying to be an awesome boyfriend but all he could think to do was what he wanted. “There is this art museum I wanted to check out. I was planning to come back here tomorrow to clear up and then go by myself.”

“No, we can go,” Miyavi agreed. “No point you going on your own.”

“Are you sure?” Sugizo asked, surprised Miyavi had been willing. As important as art was to him, he knew Miyavi didn't share this interest.

“Of course. I just want to be with you,” Miyavi admitted.

“There's other things we could do though,” Sugizo suggested.

“But they're not what you want to do,” Miyavi scolded.

“You do realise going out involves getting up?” Sugizo teased.

“But I don't want to,” Miyavi whined. He crawled out of bed anyway and went to get ready.

 

The museum wasn't too far away and cheap to enter, so it wasn't to much of a commitment to go. For which Sugizo was glad as he didn't want to put any unnecessary strain on their relationship. Inside they walked around together, looking at the paintings and whilst Miyavi didn't have anything near Sugizo's fascination with the surrealistic art, he didn't have to fake an interest either. The whole experience was enhanced by Sugizo's explanations of what various things within the pictures represented. Where alone Miyavi would have seem just a picture of a woman coming out of the earth, Sugizo could tell a story about global warming and how mother earth was dying.

He seemed pretty passionate on the subject of climate change and protecting the planet and Miyavi realised just how deep Sugizo's personality went. The other was so knowledge on so many subjects and yet he hid this from the world. Not wanting people to realise he was actually incredibly smart. Though he had admitted it Miyavi realised, as he remembered their conversation about Sugizo's school days where Sugizo had referred to himself as smart, handsome and with the right personality to be popular.

“What are you thinking about?” Sugizo asked as he realised Miyavi had been quiet for awhile now.

“I'm just admiring you.” Miyavi replied, able to speak freely as they were the only two in this room at the moment.

“Is that so?” Sugizo asked, not pushing a confession and kissing Miyavi easily. The kiss grew a little more needy and Sugizo pulled back just as an elderly couple entered the room. They didn't seem to notice, or care, about how close the two men were standing but Sugizo stepped away and began explaining the painting in front of them, though Miyavi wasn't listening.

“Doesn't the clock represent time slipping by?” The old man asked, as he headed over to criticise Sugizo's interpretation.

“It could do,” Sugizo agreed. “But if you look at that abacus you can see that it's about measurements and the human obsession to label things.”

“Nonsense, the abacus represents humans desire for money,” The old man argued and the old lady gave Miyavi a sympathetic look as her husband argued discussed the paintings meaning with Sugizo.

Walking to the other side of the room and pulling out his phone, Miyavi made a call to his children to let them know that he'd be home in the early evening and checking they were being good for their grandma. Not wanting to drag Sugizo away, when he was clearly enjoying testing his theory against the old man’s. Perhaps that was what Sugizo had wanted from him but he had simply accepted Sugizo's explanation seeing no other meaning himself. Was he even smart enough to be with Sugizo? He'd been keeping up so far but coming here had shown him how far behind he actually was in that aspect. Some smart men would like that, having a partner that they could teach but he suspected Sugizo wasn't one of them. He wanted to be challenged, wanted to debate and discuss his theories and right now the little old man was a far better match than he could ever be.

“I see you're a little out of your element too.,” The old lady said sympathetically.

“When I see the pictures, I just see pictures,” Miyavi admitted.

“Well I'm no different. Why my husband can't just like country scenes and animals I don't know.” The old lady complained.

“I think they like to find their own meaning in things,” Miyavi replied. “Instead of just seeing what's there in front of them.”

“Oh, he certainly finds his own meanings in things,” The old lady complained. “Come along dear, leave that poor guy alone.”

“But he doesn't understand,” The old man complained, as he allowed his wife to lead him on to the next room anyway. Having given up trying to change Sugizo's mind over the art.

“Everything OK?” Sugizo asked concerned.

“Does it bother you that I don't argue with your definitions?” Miyavi asked, getting his concerns out there in the open.

“No, why should it?” Sugizo wondered.

“You seemed so happy debating that picture with the old man,” Miyavi explained. “And all I’ve done is agree with you.”

“Well maybe that just means we see the world in the same way?” Sugizo suggested. “When I show you things you see what I mean, which is much better than a good debate, at least when it's you. I don't want to debate with you Miyavi... I suppose what I'm saying is that I like that you agree with me.”

“That's one way to put it,” Miyavi agreed smiling now. “I just didn't realise how smart you really were.”

“No smarter than you,” Sugizo replied. “You just feel out of your element here, that's really what's bothering you.”

“You think?” Miyavi asked.

“Yeah,” Sugizo replied with a smile. “Just two more rooms then we can either visit the café or go get lunch somewhere else.”

“Let's eat here, I need a coffee so bad.” Miyavi replied still feeling the effects from lack of sleep.

“Tell me about it.” Sugizo agreed, giving Miyavi one last worried look before they began to head into the next room. Clearly today was a day for insecurities to rise up within both of them, he just hoped the cause was lack of sleep and not an underlying problem in this relationship.

 


	19. Chapter 19

Miyavi was no longer sure he wanted to see Sugizo in his school uniform. It had seemed like such a good idea the other night but now, as he sat waiting for Sugizo to change, he wondered if this wasn't a little bit creepy. He didn't even have a school boy fetish, it was just the idea of Sugizo in uniform that got his blood racing. Perhaps he should have got Sugizo to dress up as a solider or police man? It was too late now, but he was worried until Sugizo appeared and his concerns faded away. He'd seen a teenage Sugizo in this uniform but now in the flesh and so much older he was sexy beyond belief. He felt no guilt about thinking such dirty thoughts about his lover.

“Sensei, do you have time to talk?” Sugizo asked his acting no better than that in the porn film, though Miyavi actually preferred it this way. It kept the whole scene as just innocent role play, without touching the obstacles his own brain had created.

“I have time,” Miyavi agreed. “Why don't you come and sit here and tell me what's the matter.”

“Well it's something a kid told me,” Sugizo explained, after he had sat down beside Miyavi on the bed. “He said that it was possible for two men to have sex but that can't be right. I mean where would a man even put it?”

“Well...” Miyavi began his acting even worse as he hadn't had chance to practise his lines. “There are other ways to pleasure a man.”

“Other ways?” Sugizo asked. “Could you teach me? How men make love?”

“Well it starts with a kiss,” Miyavi explained. “You need to start slow as not to scare your partner and then work up the passion.”

“Work up?” Sugizo asked, deliberately clueless.

“Yes, like this,” Miyavi explained, kissing Sugizo gently without touching him in any other way. As described his kiss was supposed to be gentle and loving, working up the passion, but they were both so horny that it was somewhat rushed. Well it hadn't helped that the bulge in Sugizo's trousers had been there before the role play had began and his own body was already well on the way to being equally aroused.

“That's just a kiss. How is that sex?” Sugizo objected and Miyavi placed a finger over his students lips before kissing him again. This time sliding his hand up Sugizo's shirt and letting his fingers tease the others left nipple. He'd never done this before with Sugizo, never been sexually sated enough around the other to even want foreplay but he realised he wanted this from Sugizo now. He actually loved sending his partner into a sexual frenzy before he took his own pleasure, so why not do that now when he was very clearly in charge?

“See how good this feels?” Miyavi asked.

“It does,” Sugizo agreed. “It makes me want to touch myself.”

“Then do. I won't tell anyone,” Miyavi promised, moving his kiss down to Sugizo's neck after pulling away the tie and undoing the top buttons of Sugizo's shirt. As he kissed his fingers worked on the rest of the buttons as Sugizo himself opened his trousers and released his erection from the confines of his underwear.

“Stroke gently, you don't want to cum too fast.” Miyavi warned as he pushed the blazer and shirt away from Sugizo's body leaving the others naked chest exposed. He let his hands wander, his mouth kissing where he pleased, as he watched his lover masturbate.

“That's good, let me help,” Miyavi offered, batting Sugizo's hand away and taking over the job himself, squeezing lightly as he rubbed. “This is one way a man can pleasure another.”

“It feels so good.” Sugizo moaned not needing to act now as the words that spilled out were the truth.

“This feels better.” Miyavi promised slipping down onto his knees and flicking his tongue over Sugizo's length. He didn't take it into his mouth, though his tongue constantly licked the shaft allowing his fingers to focus on the base and Sugizo's balls. There was no name for what he was doing, as it was neither a hand-job or a blow-job but somewhere in between. It seemed to be pleasuring Sugizo more than either could and the other let out a few moans.

“It's OK if you want to cum.” Miyavi reassured Sugizo, as he sensed the other reaching his peak.

“I need too so bad.” Sugizo whined and Miyavi smiled, continuing to lick and tease Sugizo until the other couldn't hold back any longer and came, dripping cum onto Miyavi's shoulder and back. “I'm sorry Sensei” Sugizo apologised as Miyavi pulled off his now dirty t-shirt and threw it to one side.

“All part of the lesson,” Miyavi replied with a smile. “But perhaps I should teach you how two men have sex now?”

“That wasn't how?” Sugizo asked.

“Bend over and I’ll show you how it's done.” Miyavi ordered and nervously Sugizo obeyed, though how much of his nerves were acted and how much was real Miyavi wasn't sure. It was true Sugizo didn't love being filled but he hadn't hated it either. He'd admitted it was nice, though not something he craved, so Miyavi figured he'd go for it. If the other had wanted to say no he could have. He wouldn't have forced him.

Pulling away Sugizo's remaining clothes, Miyavi ran his fingers over Sugizo's ass gently prodding the others entrances and teasing his little finger against the hole. There was something deeply erotic about seeing his lover like this. Such a clichéd position for submission and anal sex, that he actually wanted to take a photo though he didn't think it was right to ask, perhaps sometime in the future he could collect his own personal Sugizo porn collection.

“You can't mean there! That will hurt!” Sugizo exclaimed.

“No it doesn't.” Miyavi promised. “Just stay relaxed.”

“But Sensei.” Sugizo stammered, this time obviously fake as his body was eager and keen desperate for Miyavi's finger to be inside him.

“Trust me.” Miyavi ordered picking up the lube and pouring some over Sugizo's ass watching like a pervert as the liquid ran over Sugizo's hole and over his exposed skin, now that was an erotic sight that outdid the first. Rubbing his fingers through the lube, Miyavi gently pushed one into Sugizo moving it in and out lightly bending his knuckle slightly making the other smile in pleasure.

He worked up slowly like Sugizo had the first time they had slept together, remembering his own discomfort, though looking back now he knew Sugizo hadn't quite prepared him enough before hand. They'd been so horny and desperate that preparation had been a little rushed but that wasn't going to happen today. He was enjoying the foreplay.

“Ready to experience two men having sex?” Miyavi asked.

“Yes but Sensei, be gentle.” Sugizo begged.

“Gentle? To a slut like you?” Miyavi scoffed. “What kind of boy allows his teacher to do this to him?”

“But Sensei, it was part of the lesson.” Sugizo pleaded, secretly delighted that Miyavi had taken on the role of the manipulative teacher who played nice just to get boys to bend over for him. It was a surprising twist but one that held a lot of realism too, a teacher who slept with his student wasn't actually a nice guy.

“You'll love it whore.” Miyavi promised pulling off his jeans, pulling on a condom and lubing up his own eager length before pushing it balls deep into Sugizo. He heard his lover groan and tense around him so remained still for a moment as he let Sugizo get used to this intrusion.

“It's OK, go for it.” Sugizo said breaking character to get this message across. “I can handle it.”

“Off course you can, I bet all the boys have been inside you.” Miyavi said with a laugh that had started of cruel but ended up genuine. There was just something amusing about the whole scene.

“Sensei!” Sugizo cried out, having started to say something just as Miyavi began to thrust within him. Whatever he had to say was now lost to the moment and he embraced the sensations coming from inside him, glad that he could find enjoyment in this as it was part of the foundations of their relationship that he wouldn't always be the top. Miyavi was the kind of man who embraced the feminine side of his personality whilst keeping his masculinity and it was obvious to Sugizo part of that involved his lover taking charge once in awhile. That was why he had decided to put on his old school uniform and play the innocent student routine for his lover. The pleasure he was receiving from it just a happy addition to his attempts to please Miyavi and perhaps put some of his lover's insecurities about loosing his masculinity to rest.

“Do you understand yet? How men have sex?” Miyavi asked. roughly working up his pace as he spoke as he saw just how much Sugizo was loving this.

“I understand,” Sugizo moaned. “Please Sensei, more.”

“Such a needy slut.” Miyavi teased picking up his pace even further moaning himself now as the pleasure washed over him. His lover was so tight in the most delicious way and it was an entirely different way of enjoying sex with Sugizo. One he'd make sure they visited again.

“Pull my hair,” Sugizo gasped. “Hard.”

“You sure?” Miyavi asked. This wasn't part of the script but he did it anyway, making Sugizo moan in pain as he lifted his head.

“A kink of my own.” Sugizo gasped out as his body shuddered from the force of Miyavi's thrusts, his own erection was back in full force but he refused to touch it knowing this was Miyavi's time not his. Besides, the other couldn't keep this up much longer. He shut his eyes and let Miyavi finish, pleased that the other wasn't being gentle with the hair pulling. Really it hurt quite bad but that was what he loved.

“Oh god.” Miyavi moaned as he came, his body stilling as he filled the condom and half collapsed against Sugizo. That had been pretty intense and he shuddered as a second wave of pleasure came over him like the aftershock of an earthquake. Slowly he pulled out, removing the condom and getting onto the bed with a happy smile on his face. Before he could relax he saw Sugizo's erection and with a wink he spread his legs and settled back, his body very much inviting Sugizo to do whatever the hell he pleased.

Sugizo however didn't take up the offer, simply moving into a kneeling position with his weight resting on his legs as he stroked himself off for a few minutes before finally ejaculating over Miyavi's exposed body with a sadistic smile on his face. It was now his turn to openly admire his lover but Miyavi didn't look embarrassed or annoyed, simply smiling up at Sugizo with a sexy grin.

“Can I have my present again?” Miyavi begged. “Both parts, you can handcuff both hands this time.”

“Are you sure?” Sugizo asked, surprised by the request.

“Yeah, I can trust you.” Miyavi agreed and taking him up on the offer Sugizo found the handcuffs and chained his lover to the bed. As tired as he was, he was going to make use of every last moment they could spend here together. Today was a day of sexual freedom after all and it'd take a pretty extreme fetish for either man to be shocked by the other now.

This holiday had been great for their relationship, as in just a few days they had moved from two friends who slept together, to lovers who shared secrets and fears and that must surely have been what had prompted Miyavi to allow himself be restrained now. It had only been yesterday that he hadn't been comfortable doing so but since then he had seen Sugizo at his weakest and that had strengthened their love and not broken it like Sugizo had feared. Perhaps Miyavi really was the one he was supposed to end up with? Everything about this love was so pure and different that it was changing him inside, moving him away from the man recovering from an addiction to one with a good job and a beautiful lover. He could see similar changes in Miyavi too. The pain in his eyes was fading, his confidence growing and he too was stepping away from being the man who had lost his wife, to the proud father and loving boyfriend who saw the world filled with hope and excitement and was determined to make the most of it. Sugizo preferred Miyavi like this, they were becoming better people by simply being together. He wondered if that was what love had done to them or just the natural progression they would have made anyway.

 

 


	20. Chapter 20

The hardest part of going away for the weekend, was always having to go home again afterwards. That moment when the combined emotions of disappointment that the holiday was over and desire to just get home and see your family, battle each other for dominance. Really it wouldn't be so bad if work didn't loom on the horizon, made worse by the fact Sugizo didn't have to do any work until Wednesday. That part wasn't fair but Miyavi refused to complain and focused on seeing his children again, having missed them despite only been away a few days.

It had been discussed for Sugizo to come home with him but Miyavi in the end decided he'd rather just tell his mother alone. Sugizo had gone fiercely protective at that point and made Miyavi swear he'd come straight to his apartment if there was any trouble, even though Miyavi wasn't worried. The only concern from his Mother would be if she objected to him dating a former addict, but she had been the reason he'd found the courage to make up with Sugizo before, so surely she wouldn't object now? There was a huge difference between a friend and boyfriend though, so who knew how she'd react. What if she didn't like Sugizo enough to accept him as Miyavi's lover? That was a new worry and Miyavi's confidence in sharing his secret began to fade. Should he just not tell her? No he wanted to and Sugizo was waiting for a response on how things went. Best to bite the bullet, just as soon as his children went to bed.

His children were hyper of course and it took a long time to get them to settle down. Even after letting them stay up late to play with their new toys but eventually they did sleep and his brother happened to be upstairs playing some game which made it even easier. He would have told his Mother if his brother had been there but it was easier to do this one person at a time.

“Mum, you like Sugizo right?” Miyavi asked. “You don't think he's bad to be around?”

“Have you two had an argument?” She demanded. “Is that why he didn't come over tonight?”

“No. Quite the opposite,” Miyavi replied then taking the plunge he added. “We're in love.”

“I suspected as much,” She said and then, shocking Miyavi, she came over and gave him a hug as if he was upset or in pain. It was acceptance but a confusing one, did she think this was some kind of sickness? “You did well, looking after Melody when you're heart wasn't in it.”

“Mum?” Miyavi said, finding to his embarrassment he was beginning to cry. All this time his Mother must have known his marriage was a sham and never said anything to suggest she thought as much. She'd been supportive and kind and hadn't even been angry that he had got a young girl pregnant. His Mother's love and tolerance he had never doubted, but this kind of loyalty was something else.

“I always knew you liked men,” She informed Miyavi, holding him while he cried, just like she had when he was a child. “But I was waiting for you to figure it out yourself. Then next thing I know you got Melody pregnant and were getting married and I wondered to myself, perhaps I'm wrong. I wasn't though, was I?”

“No,” Miyavi admitted. “I thought I was in love with her back then, at least I think I did. I don't know, I just had a girlfriend like men are supposed to and I loved her and everything was fine. Though I was about to break up with her, the night she told me she was pregnant.”

“And you went through with it? Knowing you didn't love her as her husband?” His mother asked.

“I couldn't leave her as a single mother, raising my daughter without me.” Miyavi argued. “I did my best, I made sure she was happy and looked after.”

“The past is the past, what you should have done is no longer worth discussing.” His mother decided. “You treated her well, nobody can argue that but I must say I'm much happier that you're with Sugizo than Melody.”

“Really? Why?” Miyavi asked surprised. This was the last thing he had expected to hear. “I thought you loved Melody?”

“As a daughter, but she wasn't making you happy. I see that clearly now. You almost glow when Sugizo is around, you're more relaxed and just happier in general. It's nice to see.” She concluded.

“Is it that obvious?” Miyavi asked startled.

“When it's my son, I know these things.” She replied.

“You think people can tell when we're together?” Miyavi asked worried.

“Why? You want to hide?” His mother demanded. “What did I tell you? Never hide who you are, or who your with.”

“Sugizo's family can't find out,” Miyavi explained. “They wouldn't accept it.”

“He knows this for sure?” Miyavi's own Mother asked.

“Yes. He knows,” Miyavi replied firmly. “He told his Mother he was bisexual when he was younger and she made him promise he'd never date a man. His relationship with her is already shattered because of the drugs he used to take. She'd never speak to him again and he has to have her as a chaperone when he sees his daughter. That's why it has to be secret.”

“A tricky situation. For once I'll let you have this as a secret.” Miyavi's mother decided, though she didn't look happy about the arrangement. Probably stunned that a parent didn't have unconditional love for their children, the way she had for hers.

“Sugizo's working on getting trust again,” Miyavi said defensive of his lover. “But he's made a lot of mistakes, so it's not easy.”

“I'm sure he has.” His mother agreed. “But it's hard to think of him in that way because we've only met him as he is now. There is a risk in dating this man, you know.”

“I know,” Miyavi replied. “He warns me himself and it's so hard to get him to admit to any of his past, he has a lot of secrets but he loves me. He tells me in his actions, the way he treats me. So please accept him, as you did Melody.”

“Thank you for being so honest with me,” Miyavi's mother answered after a moment of thought. “There's no point judging Sugizo on what he might do, so we shall judge him by what he has done. You have my blessing, on the condition that at very least you let your brother know.”

“I'll tell him,” Miyavi promised. “But the girls are perhaps to young to be told and it would be risky seeing how easy it would be for them to tell Luna.”

“Perhaps that's best,” His mother sighed. “You know I don't like secrets.”

“I know, but this really is important.” Miyavi reassured her.

“It would be a crime for Sugizo not to see his child.” Came his mothers reply, as her second son came downstairs and found Miyavi being hugged by their Mother. Raising his eyebrow he came in expecting an explanation and once again, this time with his mother's support, Miyavi admitted he was gay.

“Is that all?” His brother asked. “I thought something bad had happened.”

“Don't tell anyone.” Miyavi ordered.

“Sure, whatever.” His brother replied, wandering into the kitchen to get the drink he had come downstairs for. Surprised it had been so easy Miyavi wondered if he should follow his brother, before thinking better of it. If his brother didn't react to something, he was usually OK with it and he wasn't the type to share personal information against someone's will. Chances were it had just been that simple to tell his brother and that gave Miyavi confidence.

 

The next day at work Miyavi found Maya alone and decided the other would be the perfect person to tell next. Maya was gay himself so not homophobic and sensitive to the emotions of others. He wouldn't cause a scene and would happily keep it secret. He himself had to do the same after being bullied out of one high school for being gay and pretending to be straight in the second.

“Maya, can I talk to you?” Miyavi asked. “About being gay?”

“So you figured it out?” Maya teased. “My gaydar went off the second you walked in here to apply for the job, you know. I must say I was shocked you had children.”

“How?” Miyavi stammered before sighing. “So you knew then?”

“I see how you don't react around pretty girls, the way your eyes linger just a little too long on men.” Maya explained. “It's easy to spot someone’s sexuality this way and hardly ever fails. A few times I have been unsure, it's not perfect, but I’ve never been wrong. Now what is it you want to discuss?”

“First, I beg you keep this quiet.” Miyavi bargained. “Really nobody can know, not yet.”

“Because of your children?” Maya guessed.

“Something like that,” Miyavi agreed finding Maya's reasoning easier than having to go into the truth. Maya was making this too easy and he worried if this was going to have repercussions later. If Sugizo found out he was coming out to more than his family how would he react? Would he be happy or angry that he was raising the risk of getting them both caught? He prayed it was the first but part of him knew it would be the second. He had to stop here with Maya, he needed a friend to confide in and Sugizo would understand that but he couldn't come out properly. Which was what he found he most desperately wanted. Perhaps he was seeing things with rose tinted glasses, so far admitting he was gay had been easy and he knew there would be people who hated him for who he was. Only he had been raised to be honest and he found himself so much happier now he had confessed to his family and now Maya too.

“OK, here's the basics,” Maya announced, making sure the office door was firmly shut. “Number one, ignore the hate and be yourself. Number two, buy a dildo.”

“For real?” Miyavi demanded. “That's your second most important thing?”

“They're not in order.” Maya explained. “Lube is more important so dildo is third. If you like things in your ass, then they're great for masturbation, if you don't, well there's plenty of men who do. Did you know a man could cum just through anal stimulation? It takes longer and not all men can achieve it but if you can cum that way, it's the greatest.”

“You can't tell what my position is can you?” Miyavi asked surprised, he's expected Maya to have some magic gay technique to revealing this as well.

“No,” Maya admitted. “Some men it's obvious but not with you.”

“That's good, nice to have secrets.” Miyavi teased, pleased that he had figured out Maya's position and the other didn't know his own. Maya had made it clear already how he liked to have sex. It was in the way he spoke, Miyavi hadn't missed how Maya talked about using a dildo for masturbation on his first though, or the smile that crossed his lips when he said it.

I'll figure it out eventually.” Maya decided. “Number four, finding the right partner.”

“I have,” Miyavi replied. “I don't need help there.”

“Oh, so you've got past these basics?” Maya asked looking disappointed. “What do you need my help with?”

“Nothing, I just wanted to tell you the truth.” Miyavi admitted. “Really my relationship is going well, though I can't say for sure if it will remain strong.”

“Why do you think like that?” Maya asked, genuinely concerned.

“Right now I think we want different things.” Miyavi admitted, having ignored these worries all weekend but feeling them come back now. “He wants something simple and fun, I suppose a play mate and I want the kind of relationship where we can both be entirely honest. Someone to support me and who will ask for help when he needs it. I want him to share his darkest secrets but he's scared I’ll run away.”

“Have you been dating long?” Maya asked. “Or is this relatively new?”

“Well I guess it's the second, though we've know each other for months now.” Miyavi explained.

“Well then I wouldn't worry about that yet. When I first dated Aiji, I only wanted fun and still we ended up with the kind of relationship your after. Don't try and rush him or he will run. He's probably enjoying what he has right now and won't want to change it.” Maya explained.

“I think you're right,” Miyavi agreed with a sigh. “But he did open up a bit this weekend, so that's good. I’ll be patient for now.”

“Sugizo and you bottom.” Maya announced proudly, startling Miyavi.

“What? How?” Miyavi demanded and laughing Maya pushed the laptop around so Miyavi could see the email that had just appeared on his screen from Sugizo with the subject “Pictures from the weekend. “Cheater.” Miyavi complained.

“Hey, the second part was a valid guess.” Maya replied. “Sugizo is one of those men where you just can't tell their sexuality and so I'm guessing he's bi and as a bi man he's unlikely to be anything but a top. Some bi men are more of a bottom, finding something they can't get from a woman with a man, but I can't see Sugizo being into that.”

“Think what you like.” Miyavi sighed.

“No fair, you have to let me know if I'm right!” Maya complained.

“Yes it's Sugizo, no I won't share more. I made him promise not to tell his friend Sakura these kind of details, so I can't turn around and tell you.” Miyavi said firmly.

“I'll get it out of you.” Maya promised, winking before he left the office with the confidence of a man who knew his first guess was right, he really was good at this game.

 


	21. Chapter 21

Sugizo was looking forward to Miyavi's house warming party, having not spent enough time with his boyfriend over the last few weeks. They'd gone back to their usual routine of friendly outings and quick love making whenever they got a chance but it was starting to get frustrating. At least it was easier this time, being able to act like a couple in Miyavi's home and no longer feeling his sexual libido was like a volcano about to burst. The holiday had given him plenty of chance to get out some of his sexual desires and he felt more normal around his lover now. Closer too, as he had finally introduced Miyavi to Sakura which had been part mistake, as Sakura had decided to tell embarrassing stories from his recovery, and part a blessing as he found Miyavi hadn't been too concerned over this.

Then had come Miyavi's confession that he had told Maya, which Sugizo had reluctantly accepted was fine, though he wondered how well Maya could keep secrets. The young man was the kind to blurt things out but he'd been surprisingly trustworthy. Even asking permission to tell Aiji, which had led to them having a double date one night at Maya's home.

Through all this, Miyavi had worked on moving into his new house and Sugizo had ended up helping more than Miyavi had originally agreed too. It just made more sense for him to use his contacts and professional discounts to get Miyavi's furniture and really it had been fun to help him paint. The two girls rooms were the prizes of the house and Miyavi, in what Sugizo swore was jealousy, had commissioned Sugizo to do the master bedroom as well.

Eventually the house was decorated and Miyavi had moved in with his children, clearly relieved to regain some freedom. Sugizo had visited most nights, the odd time staying the night. Sex then had been quiet and fast, with Miyavi constantly worried his children might wake up and find them downstairs in hard to explain situations. Still it had been sex and he wouldn't complain. Now it was coming up to the weekend of the party but before that, he had one last thing he needed to do.

 

“This isn't in the agreement.” His ex commented, for the first time letting Sugizo visit her alone. That in itself said a lot but Sugizo needed more from her than just a talk.

“I know,” Sugizo replied. “But you've met Miyavi. You can see he's trustworthy. All I'm asking is for a change of chaperone.”

“And to keep Luna over night.” She pointed out.

“Was that too much?” Sugizo worried. He longed for Luna to have a sleep over with Miyavi's girls but maybe he was pushing it. He'd just assumed she'd accept Miyavi as a responsible adult, hadn't realised that alone was going to cause problems.

“Let's see, you want to take Luna to a party with your friends and then keep her for the night?” She listed. “All the while knowing that neither are options I had agreed to before.”

“It's a house warming party with children present and plenty of sensible adults,” Sugizo corrected. “Don't make it sound like drunken debauchery.”

“But you will be around alcohol?” She asked.

“I can resist,” Sugizo promised. “I'll stay in the kids corner, drinking orange squash or something.”

“You know I actually believe that. I shouldn't, not after everything you've done but something about you has changed. You really have quit this time, haven't you?” she asked.

“I have,” He promised. “My only dangerous substance now is caffeine.”

“Why?” She demanded. “You never managed to quit for me.”

“You were the second most important thing in my life and I cared about myself so much more,” Sugizo confessed. “I was selfish, narcissistic and didn't have the strength back then.”

“So what changed?” She asked, genuinely curious.

“I realised I had a daughter.” Sugizo admitted. “I saw you with Luna, quite by accident, I wasn't stalking you, and I just knew she was mine. Just looking at her from afar I knew it was my job to protect her. All this, it's for her.”

“You finally found someone you love more than yourself.” His ex concluded, then with a sigh she gave in. “Fine rule one, Miyavi is in charge, not you. If he suggests something you listen, any doubts about his judgement call me. You have no authority to make decisions concerning Luna's well being past “No, she can't play with that knife”.

“You're letting me have her?” Sugizo asked stunned, correcting himself he added. “Or more you're letting Miyavi have her?”

“She's slept at friends houses before, shame to ban her from Miyavi's children who she adores.” Came the explanation. “Two, Luna will have a phone on her and she is allowed to call me whenever she likes, regardless of time. If she's being a stubborn brat, so be it. If I hear she wasn't allowed to call me, and she will tell me, you won't be allowed to see her even with your mother present. Got that?”

“Sure,” Sugizo agreed. “But you will be reasonable if she does call?”

“I can tell the difference to a child sulking and something serious,” She reassured him. “Third, and this is most important, if she wants to come home you let her. Sometimes she does get homesick, so it might not be your fault if she wants this. If it's late I'll come and pick her up, I wouldn't want to put Miyavi out.”

“I get it. She's the boss.” Sugizo replied, grinning like an idiot. If this went well it was a precedent for him making this request again. It wasn't the perfect situation but having his lover chaperone was about a billion times better than his Mother.

 

“I'm so happy for you,” Miyavi complimented Sugizo as they waited for Luna to arrive a few hours before the party.

“I'm still shocked she said yes,” Sugizo admitted. “But I thought if I didn't push things, the situation wasn't going to change. I took the risk that she would trust you.”

“Well on behalf of my own children, I'm glad you did. They love Luna you know.” Miyavi replied, almost as happy about this as Sugizo himself, as his daughters were constantly asking why Luna couldn't come to stay.

“Daddy, she's here!” Lovelie screamed out from the window where she and her sister had been waiting for the last ten minutes.

“No need to shout.” Miyavi lightly scolded, as he went to answer the door, politely greeting Sugizo's ex and inviting her in for a drink that she declined. Her eyes flickered between the two of them as she tried to place the pieces of their friendship together but they refused to click into place and she left, deciding it was just her own paranoid imagination.

Realising his ex suspected there was something unusual about their relationship, Sugizo was glad to see her go and focused on getting Luna's small case to Lovelie's bedroom, which for tonight would be where all three girls slept.

“Shall we go and help make party snacks?” Sugizo asked and the girls stampeded down into the kitchen, happy to do simple jobs like pour crisps into paper bowls and carry them to the buffet table that had been set up in the lounge.

“You seem nervous?” Miyavi picked up.

“I want this to work out so badly,” Sugizo confessed. “If one little thing goes wrong, I could be back to the beginning or worse.”

“It won't go wrong,” Miyavi reassured him. “You're a great Dad.”

“Am I? All I know how to do, is play with her.” Sugizo complained.

“Well I'm in charge, so go play.” Miyavi ordered. “You'll find the rest comes naturally too.”

“We'll see.” Sugizo replied going to answer the door after hearing the door bell. Whoever it was had come early and as he pulled it open and found Maya and Aiji, he smiled genuinely liking Maya's lover who was calm and mature and actually managed to keep Maya under control which wasn't easy.

“Hey Sugi.” Maya greeted Sugizo.

“Meev, another child is here,” Sugizo called into the kitchen, having got close enough to Maya to be able to tease him like this.

“He's no child.” Aiji scolded loyally defensive of his lover. “He's a pet. Maybe a dog?”

“No, that's giving him too much credit. Perhaps a puppy?” Sugizo suggested.

“A puppy with something wrong with his brain?” Aiji answered.

“You two are so mean.” Maya complained heading to the kitchen, with a present under one arm, to try and find some kind of support from Miyavi.

“Would you like to meet my Daughter?” Sugizo asked Aiji, not giving the other the choice as he went to show of his child like the proud father he was.

 

Much later that night, Sugizo sat on the floor in the girls room reading a book to the three girls who were in their respective beds half asleep. This brought him back to the time when his Father had read to him and he felt rather nostalgic as he looked at these three girls, so sweet and innocent now. He'd been like that once but he had messed up, he prayed these girls wouldn't make the same mistakes and for the first time he fully understood what a disappointment he must have been to his parents.

“I think they're asleep,” Miyavi whispered and surprised Sugizo looked up from the book to find that this was true. Quietly he got up and left the room, turning off the light behind him, and followed Miyavi downstairs where they could talk without risk of waking up his children.

“I think I've been incredibly cruel to my Mother,” Sugizo admitted. “No matter what I've done, no matter how terribly I've acted, I've never once thought about how she felt. I've let her down so many times, no wonder she's so mad, and this is the first time it's made me feel guilty.”

“What's brought this on?” Miyavi asked, expecting Sugizo to have been happy and content tonight.

“I was just thinking, about Luna and your girls. How sweet and innocent they were. How I'd hate for Luna to grow up and mess up her life like I did. It made me see things the way my Mother must have done. All this time I thought she hated me, she was just disappointed.”

“Perhaps it's time you had a good talk?” Miyavi suggested.

“I don't know,” Sugizo replied with a sigh. “Maybe. I should apologise I think but I'm not ready. She's let me down too, in so many ways. This isn't one sided.”

“Decided in the morning.” Miyavi suggested. “The girls are exhausted tonight, they won't wake up and I want to take advantage of that.”

“You sure?” Sugizo asked.

“Yeah, I think we have privacy.” Miyavi agreed, before he kissed his lover gently. Pushing his revelation to one side for now, Sugizo went along with Miyavi's plans for the night, keeping things sweet and gentle this time and returning to the feeling he'd been having before he put the girls to bed. The feeling of having a family and being a Husband and Dad. It was a fairy tale kind of feeling, built partly from fantasy but that only made his happiness even more magical.

 


	22. Chapter 22

Miyavi couldn't actually remember the last time he'd been truly alone but that was exactly how he found himself one Wednesday morning, just over a week after his house warming party. He had to work that Saturday and had booked the Wednesday off in hopes to spend it with Sugizo but unfortunately the other had an emergency appointment at the last minute and ended up working instead. He probably should have been more disappointed than he was, but he had so longed for some peace that he couldn't help feel like it was a blessing.

The morning was spent taking his children to school, buying grocerys and doing some general jobs around the house. Such normal activities, but the whole time his mind was on the real reason he had wanted this chance to be alone. He had followed Maya's suggestion and bought a dildo but it still remained in it's box hidden on a high shelf where it wouldn't be accidentally discovered by his children. It taunted him, begged him to play and now he could finally give in and have a little fun.

Chores done, Miyavi slipped into his bedroom shutting the door behind him out of habit and stripped naked before getting his supplies. He wasn't unfamiliar with masturbation but this would be the first time he'd done it with toys. They made it rather exciting, especially as it was something he had wanted to do so many times before, but never had the courage to try it when married to Melody. Always scared she might find the dildo if he bought one. The risk was still there that Sugizo might find the toy but he didn't really mind admitting this secret to his lover, who already knew how he liked to have sex. Perhaps he'd even tell Sugizo, it'd be interested if together they could achieve that elicit orgasm Maya had described.

Once he had everything together, Miyavi turned on his laptop and opened up the website he had found Sugizo's porn film on, kind of wishing he'd kept the disk which was a much better quality. He felt that familiar guilt when he started up the film, as the thought crossed his mind that Sugizo didn't want him to see this but it was too late now. He'd watched this film a ton of times and it wasn't like Sugizo would care just how turned on Miyavi was by his naked body. As the film started and Sugizo entered the shop Miyavi began to prepare himself finding it a little awkward but possible and with a groan settled back for a good time.

The film started with the girl begging Sugizo not to rob her shop, with plenty shots up her skirt and down her top to tease the viewer. After a few minutes of conversation it was agreed that she'd give her body in exchange to protect her merchandise. Starting to pay attention Miyavi watched Sugizo strip the girl and begin to feel her up, judging her worth before accepting the offer. It was a terrible film in many ways but Miyavi watched eagerly, waiting for the point when Sugizo stripped naked, knowing this was where it got exciting.

The girl knelt down and took Sugizo erection in her mouth staring up at him with innocent eyes as she tried to please the robber. It wasn't her that Miyavi was interested in, it was the luck of pleasure on Sugizo's face as he stared down at her, grabbing her hair and forcing more of his length into her mouth. Taking this as a cue Miyavi began to stroke his length, watching as the girl sucked, wondering what it felt to be used like this. He'd been in her position off course, but Sugizo had always been gentle with him. He wasn't even sure he could take his throat being fucked in this manner, or if he wanted to try, but it was sexy watching her. Especially when the scene heated up and pre-cum and saliva began to coat Sugizo's length. This was all fake, nobody could produce that much sticky liquid but god it looked good.

Slowing his hand, Miyavi began to lube up his dildo as Sugizo came over her face and the scene faded out, moving onto the girl lying over the counter with legs spread. There was no work up to this scene, no explanation, but Miyavi didn't care. Managing to slip the toy inside him just as Sugizo penetrated the girl.

This was good, really good, and he began to play with the toy, trying to time his thrusts at Sugizo's pace. His hips moving up, craving more of the toy and he was soon moaning softly in much of the same manner as the girl. With half open eyes Miyavi watched Sugizo, mixing the footage with his own memories of his lover, until he could almost see himself in the video. Especially at the point where Sugizo pulled out and reinserted his length into her ass taking her hard and fast, until her cries were interrupted with gasps for air.

Of course the bit Sugizo hadn't seen, or the man he played, was how the shop girl had pressed the emergency button. As he came, dripping cum out of her ass as he pulled out, the police arrived arresting him for armed robbery and sexual assault. With a groan, not even close to finishing, Miyavi leant over to skip the girl thanking the police men through more sex and the third scene where two police men shared a police woman in the station, knowing the final scene was the one he was after.

And there he was, the beauty known as Sugizo in a police cell, wrists chained from the ceiling and for whatever reason naked. Previously he had been described as dangerous which Miyavi figured was the excuse for this unnecessary bondage but he didn't care as he settled down and watched Sugizo endure his mild S&M scene. It was simple spanking and some teasing but it was sexy to watch and Miyavi began to thrust the toy inside him quickly, making up for the lost time when he'd had to fast forward. It was a race to cum now before the film ended, but he was holding back enjoying this greatly.

At some point Sugizo escaped his bonds and it was the police woman’s turn to be spanked and then raped in the bed. The scene was brutal in a way but also clearly acted and Miyavi knew Sugizo wasn't actually hurting anyone in this film. With a moan he watched Sugizo rape her, thrusting the toy into his ass with one hand, jerking off with the other until he came with a loud moan seconds before Sugizo came too. Feeling sleepy Miyavi watched the film end with shots of a cum covered police woman before fading to black.

 

“Hey Meev.” Sugizo whispered shaking Miyavi awake, sleepily he looked up smiling at his lover before sitting up in horror. Damn it, he'd fallen asleep, the tools of his masturbation still on the bed but at least the computer had gone onto standby and now showed a black screen. He blushed embarrassed before it occurred to him Sugizo shouldn't be here.

“You're working.” Miyavi scolded glancing at the clock relieved it was only two in the afternoon, he hadn't been asleep for long then.

“I finished early, thought I’d surprise you,” Sugizo explained, crawling onto the bed and giving Miyavi a kiss. “I wish I could have caught you sooner, looks like you were having fun.”

“I'm taking away your key.” Miyavi complained, still embarrassed, especially as he saw the way Sugizo looked at the toy on his bed.

“No you're not,” Sugizo replied easily. “How long have you got?”

“A bit, the girls got invited to a friends house for dinner.” Miyavi replied finding himself allowing Sugizo to spread his legs, with the tell tale dildo in his hand. He almost went along with it but he stopped feeling naughty, he might as well let Sugizo know the extent of his afternoon activities.

“Sugi, can we make our own video? Or take some photos? I'm sick of watching that same film.” He sulked

“You said you binned that.” Sugizo scolded.

“I did, but I found it online.” Miyavi admitted, realising he'd made Sugizo angry. “Sorry, I didn't realise you'd be upset...”

“You can watch it,” Sugizo responded. “That doesn't matter. It's the fact everyone else can see it that bothers me. I can't believe I was stupid enough to think a porn film was a good idea.”

“It's done now.” Miyavi tired to calm Sugizo down but the other was annoyed. Reluctantly he let Sugizo see the site and helped him find the number to get it removed. There went his favourite masturbation video, though now he knew he wouldn't have been able to find enjoyment from it anyway. Sheepishly he tried to clear away the evidence, slipping back into his jeans as Sugizo talked to some guy on the phone.

 

“I'm really sorry.” Miyavi apologised as Sugizo finally hung up, though it sounded like the film was getting removed.

“My own stupid fault,” Sugizo snapped, before he sighed. “Sorry, I'm really not angry at you.”

“I should have asked or something.” Miyavi said, staring down at his hands unable to look at Sugizo when he was so mad.

“Yes you should,” Sugizo agreed. “If you wanted something like that for when your alone, why didn't you just ask? I'll happily star in your own private film.”

“Sugi, you don't have to...” Miyavi began, relieved Sugizo wasn't mad at him but startled by how willing the other was to do this.

“But I want to, really,” Sugizo reassured him. “The thought of you masturbating to images of myself? That's sexy for both of us. Especially now I see you use toys as well, kinky devil.”

“That was the first time.” Miyavi complained.

“My good camera is at home,” Sugizo replied ignoring Miyavi's comment. “But you could film something with your phone for now.”

“What? Right now?” Miyavi demanded and grinning Sugizo began to undress.

“Go on, film this.” He ordered and a little shell shocked Miyavi did as told, watching on his phone screen as Sugizo began to pleasure himself, finding himself only able to film for a few minutes before he hit stop and crawled back onto the bed desperate to be part of the scene.

“The camera man can't join in.” Sugizo scolded but Miyavi's mouth was already wrapping around his length and then to his utter shock managed to deep throat him. He sucked hard and fast, making Sugizo forget what they were supposed to be doing.

Pleased with himself for being able to do this, Miyavi's mind was half on the job and half on other things, as he wondered what his replacement porn was going to be about. So many choices but he knew he wanted a re-enactment of that first blow-job scene, perfectly prepared to look like a whore on his knees before Sugizo. It wasn't about submitting he realised, it was about claiming your partner and making it clear that you were theirs in every way, just as much as they were yours. Girls could stay in Sugizo's past because Miyavi was determined to be the only one in Sugizo's future, fiercely loyal and protective as he kept this man to himself. The rest of the world would just have to deal with the small fact that Sugizo was his, in body, heart and soul.

 


	23. Chapter 23

He couldn't be alone, his self control was gone and all of his addictions were screaming at him simultaneously telling him to give in. He couldn't listen to the drugs, couldn't drink away his sorrow but he was forgetting why. He had to ground himself, before it was too late, he needed help which was why he ended up on Miyavi's doorstep one Sunday morning. Silently shaking with an unopened bottle of vodka in his hand.

“Sugi?” Miyavi asked, glancing warily at the bottle and seeing it was unopened, at least for now.

“Is that Uncle Sugi-Chan?” Jewlie called from the living room, where she had been watching TV.

“Sugi, what's wrong?” Miyavi asked as Sugizo wrapped his arms around him, as he began to cry. Heavy sobs that made Miyavi panic. “Sugi you haven't....”

“Not yet,” Sugizo replied. “But I'm so tempted.”

“Why are you sad?” Lovelie asked but Sugizo couldn't answer her.

“Girls, go watch TV,” Miyavi suggested. “Adults need to talk.”

“But Daddy,” Lovelie replied pouting.

“Please,” Miyavi half begged and the two girls, sensing something was terribly wrong, went back into the living room, clearly disturbed by what was going on.

“She found out,” Sugizo whispered as he held Miyavi, shaking as if on a come down from drugs or possibly shock. Miyavi wanted to believe it was the second.

“How?” Miyavi asked, as things clicked into place. Somehow Sugizo's mother had found out about them and clearly it was as disastrous as Sugizo had predicted.

“Someone told her.” Sugizo snapped angrily, as he pulled out of Miyavi's embrace. “Who the fuck did you tell?”

“Me?” Miyavi demanded. “Just the people you know about.”

“Well someone told.” Sugizo snapped. “And now I'm officially disowned with no chance to see Luna again. Are you happy? It's what you wanted right? For the world to know!”

“Are you blaming me?” Miyavi demanded, shocked at how aggressive Sugizo was right now.

“Yes, no... I don't know!” Sugizo snapped, flinging the bottle across the hall which luckily didn't break. “I'm just so mad.”

“You need to calm down,” Miyavi suggested, more scared than upset right now. This anger and pain was caused more than just recent events. It was the addictions Sugizo battled on a daily basis, rearing their ugly heads and turning Sugizo into this angry man he barely recognised.

“Oh do I?” Sugizo snapped, kicking the wall angrily before curling up on himself and sobbing in the corner.

“Sugi...” Miyavi said, trying to calm his lover but having no luck. Worried sick for Sugizo, and also his girls, who were only in the next room, he found himself with no control over this situation. He needed help and there was only one person he could think of who might be able to handle this, without risking Sugizo getting in any more trouble. “Can I have your phone? To call Sakura?”

“Here,” Sugizo muttered, crying softly now, muttering something that sounded like 'Let's lose his friendship too.”

“Sugi, I love you,” Miyavi whispered, kissing the top of Sugizo's head before he made the call to Sugizo's sponsor. Sakura answered on the third ring and ordered Miyavi to not let Sugizo leave the house and promised he'd be over in twenty minutes or less. Hanging up, he tried to talk to Sugizo who alternated between crying and cursing Miyavi for telling anyone at all. Trying to ignore the insults, which hurt and he wouldn't deny it, Miyavi did his best to keep Sugizo calm. Genuinely terrified the other would get more angry, or more depressed, and do something even stupider. It was a relief when Sakura came and he quickly used the chance to check on his girls. A welcome excuse to get out of the way.Miyavi hurried into the lounge with another situation to deal with.

 

“Pick yourself up, you look pathetic,” Sakura snapped, knowing Sugizo well enough that when he got like this the only way to deal with him was to be a stronger influence than the drugs. “What must Miyavi think of you?”

“I'll lose him eventually anyway.” Sugizo muttered.

“Stand up,” Sakura snapped. “This temper tantrum has to stop.” Whimpering slightly Sugizo climbed to his feet, shaking slightly as he did. He was trying to hold onto the part of himself that listened to Sakura, that respected the other, though it was so difficult.

“She hates me,” Sugizo complained.

“Why are you dating Miyavi?” Sakura demanded.

“I don't know.” Sugizo muttered.

“I ordered you to find a second motivation to give up drugs, just in case something took Luna away. You told me Miyavi was someone you cared for. Do you love him enough to be strong now?” Sakura asked. His voice reasonable but his manner was that of a teacher unwilling to accept any nonsense.

“I love him,” Sugizo admitted. “But I shouted at him.”

“He's seen you at your worse,” Sakura agreed. “And what did he do? He stayed here to help you. Despite how terrible you were behaving.”

“That doesn't stop me needing to use,” Sugizo complained. “That doesn't take away from the pain.”

“Are you calm enough to talk to him yet?” Sakura demanded. “You came to him for help this time, not me. I'm only here because Miyavi couldn't handle this.”

“I don't know,” Sugizo muttered but Sakura was on a mission now. He got Sugizo to sit at the kitchen table with a mug of coffee and Miyavi waiting for an explanation, pre-warned to ignore any of Sugizo's destructive behaviour.

“When did you find out?” Miyavi asked.

“When I went to see Luna this morning,” Sugizo replied, his hands wrapped around the warm mug though he made no attempt to drink the coffee. “I arrived early and she wouldn't let me in. The look she gave me, it said it all but that wasn't enough for her. She had to make it official that she was disowning me. I can't see Luna. I...” he stuttered before breaking into tears again, Miyavi let him cry, simply holding his lover for a bit until the other had calmed down a little.

“You've spoken to Luna's Mother?” Miyavi asked.

“No. She called but I refused to answer. I can't stand her mocking me,” Sugizo explained. “If I just take something, all this pain would go away.”

“And come back worse. Please Sugi focus on me,” Miyavi begged. “I love you so much I'm not even mad you blamed me for your Mother finding out. If you want to blame me, if that makes it easier, go ahead. Just stop trying to hurt yourself. Please.”

“Miyavi.” Sugizo whispered, clutching onto his lover and allowing himself to simple be held for a good few minutes.

“You think you can brave being normal for the girls?” Miyavi asked. “I told them you were upset because your Mother had been mean to you, but they're still worried.”

“It might help,” Sugizo agreed, taking a sip of his coffee and letting himself be led into the lounge. He hoped his desire for drugs would be weakened by the presence of two innocent girls.

“You can hold Midori,” Jewelie offered holding up a green My Little Pony toy, which Sugizo took knowing this was her favourite. Midori wasn't the pony's name but he didn't know the real one so he accepted the child's name for the toy. He was touched by her generosity and that of Lovelie who handed over her favourite stuffed bear and he began to make up a story to entertain the children, who seemed unaffected by his outburst. Miyavi wouldn't be as easy to deal with, he knew he'd treated the other terribly, but Miyavi hadn't run away and for now that would be enough.

 

A knock on the door startled them all and Miyavi got up to answer it, prepared to ask whoever was on the other side to leave. He was still shaken by what had happened and whilst for now he was going to be strong and mature and ignore what had been said, it stung that Sugizo blamed him for telling the wrong person. But really who could have told Sugizo's Mother? Not one of the people who knew he was gay, knew who she even was, never mind be able to talk to her. It was far more likely to be someone Sugizo knew, but the other had told even less people than he had. As far as he knew the only one who Sugizo had told was Sakura, who would be the very last person to betray him.

“Is Sugizo here?” Asked the flustered woman and it took Miyavi a moment to recognise Sugizo's ex. She looked so different with her hair falling out of her ponytail and her bag slipping from her shoulder. She looked anything less than glamours and it was clear she'd been searching for Sugizo.

“Mmm...” Miyavi began, giving the answer away with his hesitation.

“Please, I need to speak to him,” She begged. “Unless... Is he sober?”

“Just about,” Miyavi admitted, not wanting to risk Sugizo's future chances to see his child, if they actually existed. Something within him told him that it was all right to admit the truth and risking it all he found himself explaining how Sugizo was under voluntary house arrest to prevent him doing anything stupid.

“His Mother is such a bitch,” She ended up complaining. “To do that to her son.”

“You're not mad at him at all?” Miyavi realised.

“Of course not, just stunned he has such strength,” She replied, looking over Miyavi's shoulder at Sugizo who was stood in the doorway, having clearly listened in to the whole exchange. “I've never known for you to say no to drugs before.”

“I've been trying so hard,” Sugizo replied. “But now it's all messed up. Why have I even bothered to try?”

“You told me once you were staying sober for Luna,” She reminded him. “That you loved her more than yourself. So why the hell do you want to try and throw that away now? Why were you too stupid to actually wait to hear me say that I don't give a damn if you're with a man? The only person I'm banning from seeing Luna is your Mother. We just have to rearrange the agreement.”

“Misei...” Sugizo stammered the name almost forgotten as he had tried his very best to forget the woman he had once loved. He's hurt her, mentally abused her and only ever demanded favours from her. Yet here she was, the woman he had once loved, finally on his side.

“Luna needs her father,” She explained. “And Miyavi seems responsible enough. Would you be willing to be the chaperone?”

“Off course,” Miyavi answered easily. “If Sugizo stops acting like a child himself. Seriously you didn't even know how Misei felt about this?”

“I told you my cousin was gay,” She reminded him. “Though I have to wonder, was our relationship always a lie?”

“I was probably out of it at the time and I’m bisexual, not gay.” Sugizo explained and then shocking everyone he went to give Misei a kiss on the lips, pulling away shyly. “I'm sorry. For everything.”

“It's too late. You smashed our love to pieces,” She reminded him. “And I'm jealous that Miyavi gets you now, you've become a real boyfriend but you're happy with him so I’ll be furious if you do anything stupid and hurt him. You deserve a slap for kissing your ex in front of him!”

“It wasn't...” Sugizo tried to explain but Miyavi was laughing, so perhaps he had got off the hook with that one.

“Luna's in the car looking forward to her day with you. Are you collected enough to see her?” Misei asked.

“I'll pretend to be,” Sugizo reassured her. “Miyavi keeps me in line.”

“About time somebody can do that!” Misei teased, turning on her heel and leaving the house. A minute later Luna was running in, wrapping her arms around Sugizo who could finally see the silver lining in this storm cloud. By falling out with his Mother he'd actually got Miyavi as his official chaperone for visitation rights. Now absolutely everything in his life hung on the others forgiveness and acceptance. He'd hurt Miyavi today, really he was so ashamed he'd gotten so angry at his lover, but somehow he'd make it up to him. If only he could figure out how.

 


	24. Chapter 24

Sugizo woke up a little bit disoriented to realise he was in Miyavi's bedroom. where he had spent the night. It was the first time he had actually stayed over, normally going home, and it would have been wonderful except for the fact he was only here so Miyavi could keep an eye on him. His cravings hadn't gone away since yesterday, his mind still unable to fully except he'd been totally and completely cut off from his family. The financial cut had been nothing to this and he felt miserable, rejected and insignificant, especially as his Mother had only recently stopped being as mad at him. Well that chance to re-bond was gone, the look of disappointment on her face had been so great he'd actually questioned if being in a gay relationship was worse than drugs.

“Do you feel any better?” Miyavi asked worried, he was already out of bed because he had a billion little morning chores to do, to get himself to work and his children to school. Today Sugizo happened to be working at the café and had agreed to go along with Miyavi's plans. having made up his mind on one thing at least.

“No.” An honest answer and one that made Miyavi's smile falter.

“I know it's tough..” Miyavi began to sympathise but Sugizo interrupted him.

“I hardly slept last night, I was thinking too much, and I realised I have to finally show my hand, so to speak. My behaviour yesterday, it was inexcusable and I feel terrible for acting that way, and it will happen again. I'm an addict Meev, if I take drugs or drink alcohol or stay sober, I'm still an addict. Even a decade of sobriety won't change that. So when things don't go my way, then I will behave like that again. I will grow angry and uncontrollable and I might even take it out on you. I can't prevent that, it's part of who I am and god I try to keep control but I'm human, it's not possible. Part of me, the sensible, logical part, screams at me to tell you to run away. To break up with you before I hurt you again. My emotions get in the way, I can't tell you that. Instead I beg you to forgive me, to forget the demons in me and fight them for me when they come to the surface. I want you to be strong for me when I'm weak. I'm so bloody selfish and all I can offer you in return is an open relationship. No secrets from you, the world can know we're in love. I'll give you anything you ask for if you can help me with my addiction.” Sugizo finished, staring down at the sheets unable to meet Miyavi's eyes. He knew any sensible man wouldn't agree to this, Miyavi could do a lot better than him, deserved a lot better and he knew the logical part of Miyavi was shouting this right now. He also knew Miyavi loved him.

“Sugi, I'll try.” Miyavi promised, his voice shaking slightly as he began to cry.

“I'm sorry. I wish I could be everything you deserve.” Sugizo apologised.

“No it's not that, I just feel so bad you have to deal with these cravings all the time. To have that anger and pain inside you...” climbing back into bed Miyavi wrapped his arms around Sugizo, holding him close. “I'll protect you, I’ll love you and I’ll stay by your side but I’ll show you my hand too. My children come first, they mean more to me than you do. As a father I think you can understand that. I might not always be able to fight your demons, what you accused me of yesterday, was cruel and it hurt. Even though I know you didn't really mean it. I can take so much from you but you don't have a free pass to act like a raving jerk around me. If your demons come out, there better be a bloody good reason, or else you'll find the limits of my forgiveness.”

“Are we good?” Sugizo asked worried. “As a couple I mean?”

“I think so,” Miyavi reassured him. “You haven't scared me away, not yet at least.”

“Good,” Sugizo replied, kissing Miyavi lightly on the lips feeling overwhelming relief wash over him. He felt lighter now Miyavi had seen how he got and whilst it was far from his worst, he sensed that Miyavi was even more faithful than he had given him credit for. “I just wish I knew who had spilled the news to my Mother. Sakura, Maya, Aiji surely not one of them? You sure, and don't take this the wrong way, that your brother is fine with us?”

“My brother would make it clear if he didn't like you, ” Miyavi answered. “If he wanted to hurt you he'd do it to your face. He's not a cowardly sneak, he let's his voice be heard.”

“Then who?” Sugizo asked and Miyavi sighed.

“I don't know. Maybe somebody saw us sometime in public and figured it out? We have been growing slack in the secrecy.” Miyavi pointed out, referring to the odd stranger who had seen them act more than just friends. Just little things but like the old couple in the art museum there had been times when people had walked in on them in each others space, or holding hands.

“Damn it!” Sugizo muttered angrily, then controlling his anger, if only for Miyavi's sake, he climbed out of bed and announced he was taking a shower. The truth would probably have come out eventually but that didn't make him feel any better about what had happened.

 

In a false happy mood, Sugizo entered the café with Miyavi, assuming he was being stared at because he was holding his lover's hand. It had been weird at first, publicly acknowledging their relationship, but once he had stopped caring what other people thought it had come naturally. In fact it felt nice to just act like himself in public, instead of just when alone with Miyavi, or in the company of those closest to the couple.

“Sugizo, Miyavi, can you come into my office a minute?” Maya asked, actually serious and not a little bit playful. Had he done something wrong? If so what? Surely it couldn't be appearing here with Miyavi? Just in case it was, he dropped Miyavi's hand and headed towards the office wishing he could believe this wasn't something he had done and just something wrong with the business. He was the one being watched right now, Miyavi hardly given a glance. He was the problem and he wondered for a moment if Maya had heard about his temper tantrum. How could he have found out about that and why would he be angry?

“Take a seat,” Maya ordered, not harshly but not entirely friendly either.

“Maya, what is it?” Miyavi asked, as he shut the door behind them and stood near by, too nervous to actually sit down.

“This morning when I came in I found a letter on my desk,” Maya explained, handing it to Sugizo who began to read as Miyavi was handed some posters. “And these were all over the café. I hope I’ve got them all.”

“What?” Miyavi demanded as he stared down at the words in horror. Glancing at Sugizo he could see the other was clearly pissed off, but beneath that anger, Sugizo felt despair as his world crumble further. His resistance growing weaker still. It took a lot of self control to not act out and make things worse but his fingers still clenched, creasing the paper as he angrily finished the letter.

“Is this true?” Maya asked. “Are you a heroin addict?”

“Yes,” Came the honest answer. “I've been sober for awhile now but I’ll always be an addict.” Sugizo answered, his voice laced with cold anger as he realised that this wasn't a coincidence, someone was out to ruin his life.

“How long is awhile?” Maya asked.

“Over a year when he started here.” Miyavi answered for Sugizo, who was re-reading the letter trying to find a clue as to who sent it.

“So it's in the past?” Maya asked, clearly relieved to here this.

“It's never in the past,” Sugizo muttered.

“What he means is the addiction is still there, but he's strong enough to control it.” Miyavi explained, clearly frustrated with Sugizo for not trying to defend himself.

“Maya,” Sugizo began, looking him clearly in the eyes. “If you want to terminate my contract for the good of your business then go ahead but before you do, when have you ever seen me anything less than professional? I take my career seriously you know.”

“If you're honestly not using, which I believe, then we're good,” Maya reassured him. “I just wish one of you had told me before this happened. Aren't we friends?”

“Maybe I should have told you,” Sugizo admitted. “But I struggle to trust people, which perhaps is a good thing because someone clearly wants to ruin my life.”

“By getting you fired?” Maya asked, clearly thinking Sugizo was over reacting, though growing more sympathetic after Sugizo had explained how his Mother had found out he was gay. “Let me check the security footage, maybe I can find out who left the letter? I meant to do that anyway.”

“I'm just going to make a few phone calls,” Sugizo excused himself, retreating into the second office, Miyavi's space, and calling up one of his most loyal clients. Asking her somewhat bluntly if she had heard any stories, finding out she hadn't, and making sure she wouldn't believe any gossip if she had, he hung up and tried another number.

He made such phone calls for about twenty minutes relieved to find not one of his other clients had heard a thing, which made everything even stranger. If someone wanted to ruin his life why only tell Maya?

“Sorry, there's nothing but a man in black,” Maya apologised. “Male but that's about all we can see.”

“It's only you,” Sugizo explained. “Either there's a reason for this, like he doesn't know my other clients, or there's a meaning to it.”

“I don't know,” Maya began. “I offer you the most work and...”

“One of my clients is married to the manager of a building company and hires me to do the showrooms. If they wanted my biggest client it would be her.” Sugizo explained not liking to show of but he'd signed up this client only a few weeks ago and he was proud, and also incredibly busy, working for her.

“Oh,” Maya replied pleasantly surprised. “So let's go with the other theory. There's a reason why it's just your Mother and I who have been told secrets that are meant to turn us against you?”

“Yes,” Sugizo frowning as the pieces came together. “I'm such a fool! He's not trying to destroy my life, he's just trying to get me out of the way!”

“You know who it is?” Maya asked.

“No, but I have an idea. This is just a theory, but I think the person who is doing this just wants to get me away from Miyavi.” Sugizo explained as the pieces clicked together. “The letter to my Mother, it didn't say I was gay, it said Miyavi was a bad influence in my life and that I shouldn't date him. The letter to you, it tells you it's not wise for me to be working here.”

“You never told me that.” Miyavi replied, surprised Sugizo had kept that part secret.

“Well I'm hardly going to upset you more.” Sugizo retorted. “Not after yesterday.”

“Yesterday?” Maya asked.

“We had a small argument, nothing serious,” Miyavi lied. “Anyway, you think the person doing this wants to be with you? That's what it sounds like, if this is about breaking us apart.”

“No. I think whoever is doing this wants you and doesn't care how much they hurt me to get it.” Sugizo corrected. “It's like what Maya says about his gaydar, someone, probably someone who works here, has a crush on you and has watched enough to see where your attention ends up.”

“That's ridiculous!” Miyavi exclaimed but as both Sugizo and Maya gave him looks to say it wasn't, he began to realise that not only was it not crazy, he also knew who it might be. A guy who worked here and was always especially nice to him, always doing extra favours and staying behind late just to help out and chat. “I think I know who it is.”

“You do?” Sugizo asked.

“Yeah, it has to be him. He's tried to break us apart before.” Miyavi explained, walking out of the room to fetch in his suspect. Glancing at Maya, Sugizo wondered if the other had any idea who it could be, but Maya was as clueless as he was. Well they'd both find out soon enough, if of course Miyavi was right.

 


	25. Chapter 25

Miyavi wanted nothing more than to cause a scene right there in the middle of the café, but that wouldn't have been wise, even if the place hadn't had a few of the early customers sitting at the tables,. Instead he calmly, and politely requested Shinji's presence in the office. All eyes were on them now but it was only Shinji that Miyavi paid any attention to. Silently cursing himself for not sensing trouble after the other had given him that video and almost ruined his relationship with Sugizo once before. He had acted so innocently though, a friend trying to warn him of the truth and he had been grateful that the other had been watching out for him. He had needed to know the truth about his lover and perhaps without Shinji Sugizo would have kept everything secret. He was so very good at keeping secrets, so good in fact that Miyavi wondered if Sugizo could keep his promise to be more open and honest from now on. Miyavi decided he would have faith in the other, despite his concerns.

Guilt was written over Shinji's face as he sat angrily in the office but it was Sugizo's reaction that Miyavi worried about. He should send Sugizo out but trusting him alone wasn't good either and so in the end Sugizo stayed, having enough sense to remain deathly silent.

“These are yours,” Miyavi commented, placing the posters down in front of Shinji knowing Maya wasn't going to accuse him. His boss was too shocked it was Shinji in here, as he was one of the best butlers in the café.

“This is messed up, you're punishing me because your boyfriend is an addict?” Shinji demanded.

“You really did this?” Maya asked stunned, he'd been prepared to defend his employee and hadn't expected a confession.

“You're too nice Maya, and Miyavi is clearly blind to Sugizo's flaws. I had to do something to make sure appropriate action would be taken.” Shinji explained.

“You really think that even if this did tear Sugizo and I apart, I’d end up with you?” Miyavi demanded. “After you did this... God I can't even talk to you.”

“Miyavi...” Shinji stammered as the realisation that everything had gone terribly wrong took over him. Looking at the three men, two who were holding back anger and Maya who looked devastated, it occurred to him that all he'd done was get himself in trouble. No worse, he'd actually brought Miyavi and Sugizo closer together, the exact opposite of what he had wanted.

“Save it,” Miyavi snapped. “What you did was underhand, sneaky and spiteful.”

“You deserve better than him,” Shinji snapped. “You think he can treat you right? You think he will make you happy in the long run? A life with him is a life of disappointment.”

“Who are you to say who's good for Miyavi?” Sugizo demanded. “Who are you to think you'd be a better match? You were an addict too. Oh did you leave that off your posters? Strange seeing as we met in rehab!”

“Guys calm down,” Maya snapped. “Shinji, due to this harassment you are suspended until your disciplinary hearing tomorrow at 11. Just give me a minute to print off the letter.”

“You're suspending me?” Shinji demanded.

“I have no choice,” Maya replied, as he made a few alterations to the default template and pressed print. Silence filled the office as the printer did it's work. Taking the warm paper Maya handed it to Shinji, who glared at in in disbelief before storming out of the café furious at everyone and everything. “He was one of the best.” Maya complained.

“You can't keep it,” Miyavi reminded him. “Not after this.”

“I'll fire him. I can't have my employees acting like this,” Maya agreed with a sigh. “I'll get Aiji to sit in the meeting with me though, you're too close to be an impartial witness.”

“Maya, I'm sorry,” Sugizo apologised. “If I wasn't so messed up...”

“Take the day off,” Maya ordered. “You're angry and upset, Miyavi too. Neither of you should be in work today.”

“Maya, are you sure?” Miyavi asked.

“Please, just go,” Maya ordered. “I'll call Aiji or something.”

 

“Poor Maya,” Miyavi commented as they sat in a small café not to far away. “Shinji was his friend you know.”

“He was honestly trying to protect you, Shinji I mean.” Sugizo replied. “What if he's right? What if I only bring you pain?”

“Then I dump your sorry ass and find someone else, but it would never be Shinji. Not now.” Miyavi replied, taking Sugizo's hand. “Really don't blame yourself, what Shinji did reflects who he is, not you. He'd have found some other secret if it hadn't been this.”

“What I don't get is why now?” Sugizo asked.

“I don't know,” Miyavi replied. “I think perhaps he thought he'd scared me away the first time, when he gave me that video. He knew we'd argued over it, perhaps he thought that was enough to keep me away from you? Perhaps he only recently found out differently.”

“Or maybe it took him awhile to find out my parents address,” Sugizo suggested with a sigh. “So it was Shinji who gave you that video?”

“Yeah, Shinji told me you were an addict too.” Miyavi admitted.

“I love you,” Sugizo reassured Miyavi as he pulled him close. “For being so understanding and patient. Your loyalty is legendary.”

“Someone has to keep you out of trouble,” Miyavi teased.

“Is that so?” Sugizo asked, kissing Miyavi tenderly, trying to hold back the passion within him. As bad as this morning should have been, he realised it had actually turned out pretty well. Maya hadn't been too bothered by his past, Shinji was no longer going to be sniffing around his boyfriend and he now had all day with Miyavi to look forward too. Things could have been better but he was going to live in the present, at least for today, and he already had some ideas about what he wanted to do. His future would be about Miyavi and himself, he had finally realised his past shouldn't be allowed to hurt him.

 

It was a few weeks later and Miyavi sat on the sofa, watching Sugizo play with the three girls, feeling like his life was finally back on track. When his grief had subsided he wasn't sure but he no longer felt guilty for Melody's death. He had done all he could for her and he finally realised that if Melody could see him again, she would only bless his happiness. He had his children, a loving boyfriend and a house to call his home, made all the better because soon Sugizo would be moving in. A massive step but his children understood that he loved Sugizo and had been delighted to have him around.

Glancing at his lover, Miyavi knew Sugizo's problems wouldn't be as easy to solve. You could recover from the loss of a love one, and whilst Melody would always be important to him she was no longer affecting the present. Addiction wasn't like that, it was always there and one day it might take control and rip everything to shreds but Miyavi refused to accept that. Sugizo was stronger than he gave himself credit for, he had taken his disastrous past and for the most part left it behind. Any fool could see this and that's why it hadn't been to much of a surprise to find out Misei had offered Sugizo the chance to spend time with Luna alone. It had only been for an hour, and he had to be in a public space, but Sugizo had come home that day happier than Miyavi had ever seen him. Perhaps one day, in the not so distant future, Sugizo would finally get real visitation rights. Not that he needed them any more, as Sugizo's idea of a good time with his daughter seemed to involve days like this. When they were together and all three girls were playing happily.

“Daddy why are you smiling?” Jewelie asked, making Miyavi grin even more.

“I'm just thinking how nice it is to have my family all together.” Miyavi explained.

“Am I your family?” Luna asked.

“Off course, you're my honorary daughter,” Miyavi reassured her, making Sugizo smile too.

“You're both being lovey dovey again,” Jewelie pouted. “Stop it.”

“Why?” Miyavi asked, laughing at his daughter's expression.

“Because you're meant to love us most!” Jewelie replied, making the two older girls laugh.

“They have special love.” Lovelie explained knowledgeably.

“How is it special?” Jewelie asked confused.

“It's adult love.” Lovelie replied, her answer satisfying her sister.

“Daddy, why do you love Miyavi?” Luna asked.

“Because whenever I have a bad day, he makes it brighter by just being there.” Sugizo explained. “And if I'm having a good day he makes it even better.”

“OK,” Luna replied. “Miyavi why do you love my Daddy?”

“Because without him, there's a hole in my life that nobody else can fill,” Miyavi explained. “But mainly because he makes the best dinners.”

“Go cook dinner daddy. We're hungry.” Luna demanded and laughing Sugizo got up, knowing he had just been manipulated to do the cooking but not caring in the slightest. Besides, now he could make Miyavi pay in sexual favours later for manipulating him like this. Life might be good right now but that didn't mean they could get too comfortable. It was important to remember to treat each other with proper respect, to never grow slack in showing each other how much their love meant. The very last thing that he would allow to happen was for this new family to fall to pieces. It meant to much for something as terrible as that.

 


End file.
